My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

I hope he's saving the equivalent for his eldest child as he's investing in his younger ones. Not your problem but this all feels very uneven and he should be providing the same opportunities for all his children

He's a gaslighting tosser.

I agree, it makes me a bit sad. It’s easy to imagine how upset you would feel if your DC’s dad was spending £50k a year educating his two youngest while only paying CM for his oldest. He should at least be putting the same aside for her for university or similar. It stinks, tbh

And his ex wouldn’t be paying 50/50 for her DD as op thinks he’s short of 1/3

In that case, that’s what he should be saying. Not arguing that HIS dds benefit frim a nice life because tge OP is married to him.

Also the fact the dsd doesn’t have the same opportunities than the other two dds is not unsurprising. That’s because she has a different mother who clearly do not have the same income level/wealth.
Maybe it feels shit but that’s also life.

Theres some many questions that are left unanswered before sayimg ‘hoy you should lay more, you’re a leech’ to the OP. Like:
Theres been no discussion on looking for another school for the dsd that could be cheaper.
we have no idea if the dsd mum says she is now happy but won’t contribute (despite her dd struggling at her school!) because she is finding it an easy way to say No wo sayimg No.
Theres no Discussion about the future cost, lunches, after school activities, uniforms etc… who will be paying for that? The OP too?
We know the OP would need to dip into her savings. How much savings do the dad have? Would HE have to dip into his savings too or his request for the OP to pay is a way to ensure he can still put money aside (or not touch his own savings)?
Why has there been no Discussion between the OP and her dh about looking at a budget together and decide if it’s feasible? Just demand from the dh.

The OP says that the ex can’t afford to pay.

The OP has sufficient savings to pay for 50% of her DDs education. She just doesn’t want to because ‘her savings are hers’.

He’s not the only one being outrageous.

So mum just gets to say no and that's OK but if you say no that's not OK.
How does that work?

Presumably he will have been saving the same amount for his eldest as he spends on the youngest each year. Can he use those funds to pay for the eldest’s last few years?
You can pay half of your daughter’s fees. Why wouldn’t you ?

I’m with your husband on this. You want the privately educated children but you’re not willing to pay for it any more than his ex is. Perhaps she could pay proportional as you do.
And ‘nice enough ‘ ? Aren’t you just delightful. This is a child you’re talking about.

you married a man with a child, and that child has a mother. In my way of thinking, these two are your family too, so I would include your step daughter in your financial provision for your daughters. The place where I would draw the uncomfortable line is if her mother had more children. If I was struggling financially then I would feel very uncomfortable, because I think all the children come first, but I would draw the line there, now with your actual step daughter, who is your family.

OP you haven’t, I don’t think, described ex wife’s situation?

How is she living? Does she live with a partner sharing expenses? How much does your DH pay in child maintenance?

I agree; this is there problem to solve if they want to move her to an independent school. Not yours, and your daughters'.

And your daughters would potentially be solving it alongside you if you are using your personal savings to fund his daughter ... money that could have possibly have been using for their future university expenses, home down payment help, wedding help, etc if that's what you wanted to down the line for them. And it's probably the reason you had separate finances in the first place, so you and your respective children were looked after by their own parents primarily.

I’d say nope for this.

Look those saying you need to pay 50% of your DD’s fees, even though your dh, their father, earns significantly more than you are the same posters who on another thread would tell you bills should be split proportionally to income, or to give you the same spending money etc. it was a joint decision to send your DDs to this school, a decision he made knowing he has an older dd.

He had fucked up by not considering paying for private school for all of his children, and it’s unfair to move the goal posts of either suddenly deciding you need to pay 50% for your dds or ask you to pay for DSD.

Hold the line, schooling decisions for your step daughter need to be made by her two parents. You shouldn’t have a say in which school she goes to, you therefore shouldn’t have to pay.

From what you’ve said, your dh can afford a budget of £20-21k a year for his eldest DD’s education. Surely there are other options in your area? Your DSD’s two parents should look at all the options within their budget.

I think that this would be a good starting point.

Absolutely no, but her OP was quite misleading. It's perfectly fair that he should pay more than she does if he's the higher earner. But not at a proportion that means his other child is disadvantaged. The wage disparity was only mentioned in her (one) follow up post. He should still pay the majority of the fees if his income is so much higher, but the proportion of her contribution may need to change so he can treat all three kids equally.

Tbh it's unbelievable that this financial disparity wasn't considered earlier by him and it's not fair on OP that he's now moving the goal posts on their plans. But it's also not fair that her DD's are hugely benefitting from the DSD getting less.

The big question is can his ex afford private school but won’t pay or simply cannot. I would say he should be providing the same education to all 3 kids but you shouldn’t have to contribute to your SD fees. In practice though you will probably end up paying one way or another

I'd say you are not being entirely unreasonable to not want to pay it. Yes, she does have 2 parents and the dynamic will never be quite the same as your own. But on the other hand, if your DH can't afford to send all 3 of his children to the same school then maybe he should reconsider where they all go to school and find somewhere that he can afford to send all 3 to. I don't think it's reasonable to treat hs eldest daughter differently.
You say you contribute towards the household bills, does this include the school fees for your daughters? Or is he entirely funding that? If he is funding that entirely then maybe you should look at chipping in for your own daughters so he can afford to send his eldest.
You married a man with a child, I think it's reasonable to look at ways to include her as equally as possible. I don't think leaving her at a state school while dad pays for two younger children to go to an independent is acceptable.

Being married to her dad doesn’t make the child OP’s. She didn’t give birth to her - the ex wife did. So how is it that OP is being asked to contribute but the bio mother can duck out of it ? Why isn’t DH putting her under pressure ?

You and your husband are in completely different positions here. He is trying to be fair to his three children. You are concerned about your two. There are many factors to consider, but if I were your husband I'd be feeling unsupported in what is a very difficult balancing act.

Can you not pay more from your income for your two, thus freeing up some of his money to pay the school fees for his daughter?

Tricky, I see both sides you have been her step mum for quite a long time and she is part of your blended family and it sounds like you could afford to help, does your DH pay more of the other bills or is it 50:50. Perhaps you could pay more of your DDs fees so he could pay all of his DDs, I know it would cost you the same but you wouldn't feel so much that you are paying for his DD directly. I paid all of the fees for our DD, no particular reason my DH didn't contribute, but he did pay more of other bills.

Do you think he should feel unsupported by his ex wife ? Because after all she’s the childs’ mother, not OP.

Your DH is so so unreasonable, I don't even know what to suggest. Just a flat out "no".

Honestly it’s completely up to you what you spend your money on. If I were DH though, there is no way I’d contribute school fees to 2 DC if my third couldn’t go.

YANBU DO NOT PAY! SOUnds like him and ex came up with this cushy plan. Will it extend to her dentists fees, after school club and even to uni contribution?

Computer say a hard no!

OP also said that her DSD’s mother said she couldn’t afford it.

The replies are very interesting on this thread because I’ve seen many other threads regarding private education where a family plans to, does or has, sent only one of their children to private school and that’s deemed absolutely fine and not unfair. In lots of these situations the family can’t afford to send more than one, so that’s what they do. They do it even if it may mean one child not having as good an education or school experience, or possibly resenting them later down the line. The point is that it doesn’t have to be all or none.

You aren’t her parent so I think it’s up to her parents, whether jointly or together, to fund this. Have they even looked at local state schools?