My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

That would all be fine if the actual mother was contributing, but she isn’t/won’t. Why isn’t DH on her case ?

Another one where it's "his money" and "my money."

You never should have gotten married.

Yet that’s pretty standard arrangement isn’t it?
Would you REALLY tell someone to go 50/50 when the wage discrepency is 2, 3 or 10x the lower income?

Any ‘marriage’ that works like this ends up living a life that’s affordable for tge lowest income. And unsurprisingly, the highest income partner usually resent it 🙄🙄🤪🤪

And “she’s nice enough”. Flying the flag for the evil stepmother trope big time.

Let the ex get an extra job to contribute, she’s the parent not you. Stay well out of it. Blended families never work, though.

OP, if your DH decides that he is no longer willing to fund private education for your dc because he can't afford to fund it for all of his kids, what will you do?

Will you put them in state schools or make up the difference yourself? Because it strikes me that it is a very real possibility that he'll say he can't afford to fund any of them any more.

Ops husband is the one who decided the eldest should go there, the Op said the mother is not opposed to her moving but doesn't want to pay private school fees and can't afford them anyway.

Maybe offer to match whatever the mum puts in, up to £5,000 balls back in her court then.

This.

He's an awful dad if he sends his new children private but won't do the same for the oldest one.

Exactly! He’s got a massive cheek, you are not her mum.

You should pay more for your own two, then he can pay for SD.

Thats how I’d look at it.

Your DSD should not be separate in your mind to the rest of your family IMO.

Yes it is up to her parents to fund her, but this should of been a conversation between you and your husband before anyone started private school that it was all or non. She should be just as important and cared for as your children, because whilst she may not be your child - she is his.
Your overall posts suggest you aren't that involved in her day to day life or wellbeing. Would you support your husband reducing other areas of his lifestyle that may affect yours in order to free the cash up that he needs to pay for her fees?
Support him increasing his income by working more hours for example so he can find the difference?

I think he should fund the eldest as a priority. He shouldn't have agreed to the younger two going private if he wasn't prepared to fund all 3. This is his mess to fix

All fair but that's all DH's problem. He has 3 kids and needs to pay the fair share for HIS 3 kids. That doesn't mean OP needs to pay more than what is fair her 2 kids.

And OP hasn't said anything about ex wife being broke she only said she didn't agree with private school.

"His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education."

So it's a stretch to start claiming she is broke and can't afford to contribute and as I said in one my earlier posts I would even understand if she said I get the benefit of moving her and this is what the I can afford rather than I refuse to contribute anything.

I don’t think you can expect your husband to treat his own children differently. I think from his perspective either they all go, or none of them go. If I was him, that would be my stance.

I think the alternative is that the other two are also sent to state school to make it fair

I’d say you are right to have concerns.
It’s up to her parents to pay, not you.
From his argument the flip side would be that his ex financially contributes to your DD’s if he’s expecting you to contribute to their DD which is totally ridiculous

Your girls benefit from his income because tgey are HIS CHIKDREN

I think he means the 2 younger ones are going to this school because that is what OP wants and what they have decided as a family, he is having to pay for them because he is married to OP and it is a decision they made together, if they weren't married, OP couldn't afford it, so they probably wouldn't be going to that school.

So yes, he is only paying for them to go there because they are married in essence.

His older child has never been a issue because HER mum didn't want her to go to an independent school, it's only now it has come up that she is struggling that he wants to look at sending her there as well.

If OP isn't paying 50/50 of her own child's school fees then he has got a massive point.

Same.

Treating them differently causes so much harm to all the family relationships.

Agree with this. You’re leaving him short by not paying for your DC.

OP isn’t funding 50% other kids school fees either though

So he is okay with his ex not wanting to pay the fees but has a problem with you not wanting to? The man is being outrageous

Why should he pay all of the fees for one child and only half each for the other two? How is that fair for the younger two? He’s directly contributing £31k per year for one but only £10k each for the others because their DSis’s mum who has nothing to do with them won’t pay?

That flip side makes no sense whatsoever because the ex is not OPs daughters stepmother and is not involved in raising them, so obviously expecting her to pay would be completely ridiculous.

The flip side would be the exes partner paying towards the fees (if she has one).