Giving boyfriend time to himself but not feeling loved… am I expecting too much?

[Changethescent]

My boyfriend has said in previous arguments that he wants a day to himself to play video games and not have to worry about spending time with me or responsibilities.

I’ve said for months that I struggle with the lack of time we spend together. He has custody of his son (9) 5 days a week, works in evenings and wants to play video games in his spare time, or do more training in his sport.

I feel like our relationship has no quality time. For example, on the days DSS is here (Tuesday night - Sunday morning), boyfriend understandably makes plans with his son, and I’m usually left to my own devices. On Sunday, he will travel to the city near us and do a hobby until late at night.

Evenings he will usually go for a drink with his mates or will sit and watch tv with me after DSS goes to bed around 930/10

I feel lonely. But I wanted to listen to him and give him what he wanted. He doesn’t have DSS this week as he’s away with his mum on holiday. I am usually off Wednesdays but arranged to do a bank shift and then meet my friend after so I gave him some time to himself. I left at 7am and got back at 1045pm.

I told him I was giving him a day to himself and he was thankful for it.

I thought I was doing a nice thing for my boyfriend and giving him freedom to do what he enjoyed. I think part of me expected him to be excited when I got home.

He wasn’t particularly bothered when I got back. He hadn’t eaten dinner and had planned to drop something off for his friend at 11. He didn’t get back until 12am.

So I just got in, showered and went to bed on my own. I felt like I’d made an effort to give him what he wanted but he still didn’t come towards me?

I feel like relationships die when you don’t make time for each other? Tonight he is out playing a football game and then beers; I’m working today so won’t see him at all. Tomorrow the same - football training and then nothing.

If I raise anything he feels criticised or says we’ve got the rest of our lives together.

He told me he wanted to be a man without responsibilities - game all day and night and not have to worry about me. I tried to explain that when you’re in a relationship you can do what you want but you also need to consider your partner.

I feel like an idiot - I made myself scarce to get some affection when I came home. But I didn’t. I just feel rubbish.

When I had kids of that age and also worked I could easily have slept for two weeks solid if someone had given me that time.

honestly it sounds like his life is really really full.

someone who is parenting 5 days a week and also working is probably desperate for time on his own.

Its not working so just end it.

Not a chance I'd be begging a boyfriend for attention. A husband of many years, yes, working together to improve the relationship is sometimes needed, but if you're feeling lonely when you're still in the boyfriend and girlfriend stage it is not worth the effort. Walk away, find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

He has a full life that doesnt include you. Men make an effort for the things they want. Hes not making an effort for you. That should tell you all you need to know.

I actually hate when men do this. Hes not particularly into you but will keep you around as long as you're willing to put up with the scraps he throws you. OP end this relationship. Its going nowhere.

I understand this, which is why I gave him a day. But he’s not interested in spending a couple of hours with me in the evening? I don’t see why he’d pursue a relationship if he didn’t have time

What's in this relationship for you?
There is nothing wrong with his priorities (son, hobbies, his friends) as such - but they don't appear to include you

He wants a nanny with a fanny.

@Changethescent you are being an idiot. He’s told you that he wants to be a man without responsibilities, he couldn’t be much clearer than that. Why are you still there?

His life is pretty busy so he doesn't have a lot of free time and understandably wants to have the odd day to himself. If that isn't for you then that's ok. I think it is a bit much to expect him to be excited when you get home. How old are you both, how long have you been together, do you live together? I am assuming you don't live together as you say you don't see him some days but if that is the case, I don't understand the comment about leaving and returning in the same day, surely you would just go home and see him the next day or next whenever.

He told me he wanted to be a man without responsibilities - game all day and night and not have to worry about me. I tried to explain that when you’re in a relationship you can do what you want but you also need to consider your partner.

Well he's telling you what he wants, he's making no secret of it in words or deeds. Ask yourself why he's with you. The sex? Shared finances? A babysitter for his son? A cook and housekeeper and laundress? Because he's not with you because he loves and respects you.

So why are you with him? What's keeping you there?

He told me he wanted to be a man without responsibilities - game all day and night and not have to worry about me

Believe him. Believe his actions.
Dump him and enjoy life, there's no reason at all to keep begging some boyfriend to tolerate your presence.

Can totally get why he wants time tbh parent,work etc it's what us parents do...me and dh once a month do exactly this game,watch tv,eat, basically turn off when kids stay at grandparents overnight it's lush not to think of anyone or anything lol

Is it your house OP?

It sounds like he really isn't in to you and has no interest in you. Does he do anything for you/with you at all?

He does. He just doesn’t want to add OP to his list of responsibilities. He’s basically told her this and she’s still there begging for his attention.

I voted YABU he’s honest about what he wants and the reason he’s in a relationship with you is sex.

Personally I would leave, why do you want to be fourth best after his son, his friends, his gaming and then you. It should be his son, you, his friends, hobbies etc.

Yes it sounds like he’s not bothered about you unfortunately.

this is where being a complete diva and kicking up a scene would make a big difference.

it’s so rude that you bent over backwards to give him what he wanted and he didn’t even care about that.

was the relationship good in the beginning? It sounds rubbish right now.

if it helps I feel in the same situation, which is why it’s painful to read and makes me think making a massive scene is the only way you’ll get your expectations over.

he’s not interested in listening to you or what you feel. So telling him your expectations of a relationship is important.

You're needy, not getting your need for much more time together met, and this guy wants to be single with the gf benefits without the relationship maintenance, or, he's pulling away because you're so clingy. You're incompatible.

Gave him a day, girl, you're not married or living together. You're being controlling as well as clingy. I'd run like the wind if I was him.

Let me guess, is he living in your house? Are you supporting him financially?

He is taking the piss. There is no point continuing with this relationship, he isn’t interested.

You don’t say anything about you in your post OP and that’s very telling.
It is all about him, his son, his hobbies.
There is a little detail about you but you are twisting yourself to fit in here and he can’t be arsed.
You have the rest of your lives to spend together? That’s very clever, a sort of commitment but it means nothing.
You are getting nothing from this at all, nothing. You will be far less lonely sleeping as a single woman than in this situation.
I don’t know how old you are but do you want kids? To get married?
You sound like a decent, caring person. Don’t waste more of your time let him have his life back.