Giving boyfriend time to himself but not feeling loved… am I expecting too much?

[Changethescent]

My boyfriend has said in previous arguments that he wants a day to himself to play video games and not have to worry about spending time with me or responsibilities.

I’ve said for months that I struggle with the lack of time we spend together. He has custody of his son (9) 5 days a week, works in evenings and wants to play video games in his spare time, or do more training in his sport.

I feel like our relationship has no quality time. For example, on the days DSS is here (Tuesday night - Sunday morning), boyfriend understandably makes plans with his son, and I’m usually left to my own devices. On Sunday, he will travel to the city near us and do a hobby until late at night.

Evenings he will usually go for a drink with his mates or will sit and watch tv with me after DSS goes to bed around 930/10

I feel lonely. But I wanted to listen to him and give him what he wanted. He doesn’t have DSS this week as he’s away with his mum on holiday. I am usually off Wednesdays but arranged to do a bank shift and then meet my friend after so I gave him some time to himself. I left at 7am and got back at 1045pm.

I told him I was giving him a day to himself and he was thankful for it.

I thought I was doing a nice thing for my boyfriend and giving him freedom to do what he enjoyed. I think part of me expected him to be excited when I got home.

He wasn’t particularly bothered when I got back. He hadn’t eaten dinner and had planned to drop something off for his friend at 11. He didn’t get back until 12am.

So I just got in, showered and went to bed on my own. I felt like I’d made an effort to give him what he wanted but he still didn’t come towards me?

I feel like relationships die when you don’t make time for each other? Tonight he is out playing a football game and then beers; I’m working today so won’t see him at all. Tomorrow the same - football training and then nothing.

If I raise anything he feels criticised or says we’ve got the rest of our lives together.

He told me he wanted to be a man without responsibilities - game all day and night and not have to worry about me. I tried to explain that when you’re in a relationship you can do what you want but you also need to consider your partner.

I feel like an idiot - I made myself scarce to get some affection when I came home. But I didn’t. I just feel rubbish.

Do you help out with the childcare when DS is there by any chance? That's a good enough reason for most men to continue a relationship. I believe its affectionately called 'nanny with a fanny' on this site. If I were in your situation I would walk away. You don't seem to be getting your needs met in this relationship OP. You only live once. 💐

also, Yabu. But not for wanting affection in a relationship, of course that’s not unreasonable. But for expecting it from this man who couldn’t have been any clearer that he’s not interested. You are in a partnership of convenience. Finances and sex. If that doesn’t work for you, then you need to end this ‘partnership’.

When they tell you who you are, then listen.

“He told me he wanted to be a man without responsibilities”.

Let me guess, you do all the cooking, cleaning, life admin, washing, etc whilst he looks after his son and does his hobbies, football and video games.

Does he work? Contribute to the household in any way.

Do you want children in the future?

Unfirtunately, he’s a mn cliches, and found a single woman to house and feed both him and his child. What was his situation before he moved in?

Doesn't sound like a fulfilling relationship for you. He's made you bottom of his priority list and can't be bothered to make an effort now you're living together.

My ex was the same. He was always too busy doing something more important than spending time with me. While he was out pursuing one of his many hobbies, he was also shagging another woman.

Get rid and make a full enjoyable life that suits you. Find someone who is excited to be with you and treats you well.

I agree.

You can do better OP
X

He’s telling you he wants to be single without telling you. He’s a coward.

I mean what is the point of being in a relationship with him if he doesn’t actually want to spend any time with you? It’s a no brainer.

Maybe try & do things all together?
if an option with his son?

Sorry OP but he’s literally telling and showing you how he wants his life to be, if you need someone with more capacity then you’re not going to find it in this relationship.
youre spending time begging for scraps and tbh probably making his life miserable at the same time and you both want different things.
please don’t spend more of your energy doing the work of two people who are meant to be in this relationship when one is clearly sat on the sidelines letting you do all the running, it’s not even a reflection on you as a person it’s just his lifestyle and priorities at a guess, he sounds exhausted x

It all sounds one way to me: you are doing all the giving way, considering him, trying to make things easy and good for him. But there’s not much coming back. Either he doesn’t have much time for you and/or he’s not really that interested in your relationship.

Honestly, I think you should move on from him and find someone with more available time and who wants a more involved relationship.

He's told you what he wants - which is to have no responsibilities. He's made clear that you can fit in with him or not, he's not willing to compromise. I guess it's up to you to decide whether that works for you, but to me it sounds like you are incompatible. FWIW I wouldn't like to live this type of seperate lives alongside each other either, but it does suit some people.

He has told you he is not interested in you essentially. But he wants to be a man without responsibilities so he needs you to facilitate this by cooking, cleaning, babysitting. That’s what you are there for. To support him being a waste of space. Stop being a side character in your own life and get rid of him. You deserve better. And ignore posters saying you are needy for asking for the bare minimum- they are just being nasty.

He doesn’t want to be single as that would mean he has to have those pesky responsibilities he doesn’t want as she wouldn’t be doing all his donkey work. He wants her to put up, shut up and just enter and exit stage right at his convenience

Whose house is it? You’ve had some good summing up of the situation in previous posts here- he’s not interested and he’s actually telling you this. You’d be better off being single and not having all this confusion and hurt in your life.

Life’s wonderful when you have a partner who looks forward to being with you and is visibly happy when you appear. You deserve that.

He is not willing to give you a few hours of his time in the evening, you are not asking for a lot OP, you deserve better than this, much better.

You are feeling lonely in this relationship because of his selfishness and as actions speak louder than words. You are left feeling like you don't matter to him.

He has made demands on you to give him yet more time off, which you agreed to but he has shown you absalutely no commitment, has been callous with your feelings and on top of all of that is expecting you to commit to him?

Is he real?

He has shown you he can not give you his time, you need to think about moving on, this is about as good as it will get.

You're not compatible. Neither of you is right or wrong - you just want totally different things from the relationship and it's not going to work. You don't have much in common and you have very different priorities and personalities and expectations. Neither of you is going to be happy if you stay together.

I've been in a relationship like this, it didn't last long, he's telling you in the most coward way that he doesn't want you as such, your a convenience when he barks. Take it from me who had this I walked away I felt so happy and free you can do that too. Stop trying with a man child that won't even acknowledge you or give you a few hours of his time. The right man would involve you, want to be with you, get rid you deserve better.

He's a coward, @Changethescent . He's pushing you away in the hope that eventually you'll get the message and go but no one can actually accuse him of ending the "relationship". "Dad, why doesn't Change live here anymore?" "She's gone to live somewhere else." "But why, Dad?" "I dunno. That's women for you, son". Shrug.
He's told you what he wants out of life. He couldn't be clearer so why don't you believe him? Why do want to stay and be humiliated? You've already wasted 4 years of your life, hanging around him, wating for crumbs. Give yourself a kick up the backside, find your self-respect and leave. And when you tell him you're going, don't listen when he begs you not to and says he'll change. Don't be taken in. He won't change, not in the long run. Why should he bother? You'd still be there for the odd time he needed something from you.
Please leave him and make a proper life for yourself. Good luck.

Sad post.
What is the point of him?

Do you share costs and make his life easier?
Really sad that you think this is all you deserve.

You are wasting your life on him.
But it's your life and if that is all you think you are worth, then this will be your life.

He has his hobby, he goes for a drink with his friend, don’t most of us work and also parent more than 5 nights a week??

‘he says you have the rest of your life to spend together’ bleugh, please find someone else to spend the rest of your life with. Might be a win for both of you the way he acts.

Dump dump dumpity dump.

He’s telling you he doesn’t want responsibilities- that’s you, listen

whose house is it?