Giving boyfriend time to himself but not feeling loved… am I expecting too much?

[Changethescent]

My boyfriend has said in previous arguments that he wants a day to himself to play video games and not have to worry about spending time with me or responsibilities.

I’ve said for months that I struggle with the lack of time we spend together. He has custody of his son (9) 5 days a week, works in evenings and wants to play video games in his spare time, or do more training in his sport.

I feel like our relationship has no quality time. For example, on the days DSS is here (Tuesday night - Sunday morning), boyfriend understandably makes plans with his son, and I’m usually left to my own devices. On Sunday, he will travel to the city near us and do a hobby until late at night.

Evenings he will usually go for a drink with his mates or will sit and watch tv with me after DSS goes to bed around 930/10

I feel lonely. But I wanted to listen to him and give him what he wanted. He doesn’t have DSS this week as he’s away with his mum on holiday. I am usually off Wednesdays but arranged to do a bank shift and then meet my friend after so I gave him some time to himself. I left at 7am and got back at 1045pm.

I told him I was giving him a day to himself and he was thankful for it.

I thought I was doing a nice thing for my boyfriend and giving him freedom to do what he enjoyed. I think part of me expected him to be excited when I got home.

He wasn’t particularly bothered when I got back. He hadn’t eaten dinner and had planned to drop something off for his friend at 11. He didn’t get back until 12am.

So I just got in, showered and went to bed on my own. I felt like I’d made an effort to give him what he wanted but he still didn’t come towards me?

I feel like relationships die when you don’t make time for each other? Tonight he is out playing a football game and then beers; I’m working today so won’t see him at all. Tomorrow the same - football training and then nothing.

If I raise anything he feels criticised or says we’ve got the rest of our lives together.

He told me he wanted to be a man without responsibilities - game all day and night and not have to worry about me. I tried to explain that when you’re in a relationship you can do what you want but you also need to consider your partner.

I feel like an idiot - I made myself scarce to get some affection when I came home. But I didn’t. I just feel rubbish.

If I raise anything he feels criticised or says we’ve got the rest of our lives together.

Christ, the thought of the rest of my life with this disinterested, all day gaming man in this lacklustre relationship would terrify me.

I'd be giving this arse all the free time he needed.

Why are you still there, OP? This can’t possibly be any fun for you.

Sex and domestic support. Someone to babysit his son if he wants to go out on a parenting evening/afternoon. You’re useful to him; he doesn’t like you.

I would urge you to cut your losses here; it’s unlikely to get better.

Do you live together?

ultimately, I don’t think either of you are necessarily being unreasonable- but I do think you are looking for different things from a relationship and have different priorities.

he sounds like he does have a lot on, and it’s good he has hobbies and friends. I totally understand needing some down time for himself. But, equally, it sounds like you aren’t high up on his priority list and that would be a problem for me in a serious relationship. As his long-term partner, you should be pretty high up there- after his son and keeping a roof over their head. You clearly feel ignored/under-valued by your partner- which is not sustainable in a relationship.

As a one off, this would be fine. I think it is a bit much to expect him to be overjoyed at your return, it sounds quite intense. Equally, if he is expecting you to vacate your home for an entire day every week, that is totally unreasonable (if you don’t live with him, then it’s less of an issue).

overall, it doesn’t sound like you are getting what you need from this relationship and so I think it may be best to call it quits.

He’s not “pursuing” a relationship though is he? You’re not a priority at all and he thinks you should be content with this because “you’ve got the rest of your lives together”. He hasn’t considered that this might not be a life you especially enjoy and want,
it’s a cliche because it’s so often true - “he’s just not that into you”. You’re fine. He doesn’t mind you. It’s nice to have a bit of company, occasional sex and someone to share the bills with so he’ll stay in the relationship because why not? If he wanted to end it, he’d have to actually expend some emotional energy on breaking up. I don’t think this kind of man ever changes. He’s emotionally constipated and lazy. You will forever be at the bottom of his list of manchild pursuits.

Been together 4 years, we live together.

I meant after having 14 hours + gaming, he could’ve come down and said hi/how was your day… but I just got back and he was still doing what he wanted

I'm struggling to understand why he's described as a partner.

You are the one hanging on to this non-relationship relationship. He has been quite clear in word and deed, and yet you are still there, clinging on.

The bottom line is that you want something(s) he is not able or willing to give you- it doesn’t matter whether you are right and he is wrong, or vice-versa. All that matters is that at least one of your needs is not being met in this relationship. And he is not going to suddenly change- he’s told you that. So, you have to decide if- on balance- whether this is enough for you or not. I can’t decide that for you. But, you do have decide if you can tolerate being fairly low down on your partner’s list of priorities.

It sounds like he just wants someone to share living expenses with sorry OP.

He could have come down and said hi, how was your day.

He didn't want to.

Why bother with this dirtbox?

He has told you what he wants and it is not you. Unless of course you are doing something for him. Why aren't you listening to him? He doesn't want you.

He clearly doesn't want to spend time with you. Hard as it is to realise this, you need to gather your dignity and end this sham of a relationship. You have told him how you feel but he doesn't care.

"He told me he wanted to be a man without responsibilities - game all day and night and not have to worry about me."

He has not only clearly told you what he wants in a relationship but he is also showing you with his actions so the ball is in your court.

If it doesn't work for you and you want more then end the relationship and move on, but if you're willing to accept not being his priority then you can stay and hope he changes someday.

As things stand you are way down on the pecking order behind his son (rightfully so), his job, his gaming habit, his hobby, his friends, chilling and watching TV and I'm sure many other activities before he even thinks about you.

To me the decision is very very easy and clear, and that before all the additional drama they comes with being a step parent.

Imagine what will happen and how overwhelmed and lonely you will be if you have a child with this idiot. Then again is he an idiot given her has been very clear what he wants in the relationship?

I couldn't be attracted or interested in a grown man with a 9 year old child who wants to spend all day gaming.

FOURTEEN HOURS GAMING?! What a fucking useless father and a worse partner - why oh why is your bar set in hell.

Is he pursuing a relationship though? He seems to be doing nothing - bare minimum at a push! It sounds that he is using you as a convenience! Does he benefit financially from being with you, do you make his life easier? I would be asking myself if I wanted to be with someone who didn't put me on his list of priorities, he sounds like a man child!!

i suppose I do make his life easier,

I just felt pathetically that if I gave him time to do what he wanted he’d want to spend time with me… almost like giving him his “me time” and then him wanting to move to “us time”. But he quite clearly doesn’t care

Man child. Couldn't be doing with this. Even if you understand that his son takes priority, when he does have free time he'd rather spend it gaming or out with his mates.

You're bottom of the list. Don't put up with it.

Exactly! Nail on head!

He doesn’t care and you’re probably just a nuisance to him that you NEED his time.

Get rid or move out and leave him to do his parenting and domestic duties on his own. Don’t be used.

*he wants to be a man without responsibilities”.

That is his relationship bar, and the standard that is on offer. You are currently accepting that. I hope that I never would.

He expends the least effort possible on you, tells you to your face he wants no responsibility, yet you still have these unrealistic expectations when you know this dude will not meet them.

You stick around despite him doing as little as possible. Why should he do the work when he knows you're not going anywhere?

Do you do all the cleaning, cooking, take care of his child also? Sounds like he likes the benefits of you being in the house to help but can’t make any effort for you.

Correct. He does not care about you.

Exactly op. You’ve got it. He doesn’t. This is a really sad because you’re forcing us to tell you what you can’t see for some reason, which feels unkind, but I cannot fathom how one can be unsubtle when he’s already told you he doesn’t care at all, and you’re not seeing it. Of course you’re lonely, of course you want someone to want to spend time with you. But this guy doesn’t with you. You would be far far happier and far less lonely if you were single.