Should I mention parents in my speech to keep the peace?

[snackadoo]

Will try not to drip feed but also keep things short for ease!

I do not have the best relationship with my parents. To put it bluntly they have never prioritised me in life and have made lots of mistakes that they refuse to acknowledge. Where they have failed, their own parents (my lovely grandparents) stepped up. They have done their best to fill in where they shouldn’t have had to and are truly my hero’s.

I am on okay terms with my parents, we speak semi regularly and when I do see them it’s fine. But we’re definitely not close and things are tense at times.

I am due to get married soon (yay!) and am doing a speech which I’m very excited for.

obviously the broad content of the speech is about my lovely soon to be husband and our relationship. However, I’d really like to ‘shout out’ my family and in particular my grandparents, as they’re not often thought of as being so important and I really want everyone to know how much they mean to me and how grateful I am!

the issue lies that if I mention my grandparents and do not mention my parents then my parents will, for want of a better phrase, see their arse. They won’t say anything on the day, they wouldn’t be willing to kick off in public, but would absolutely moan after about how mean it was and how I hurt their feelings.

I therefore don’t know if I should also mention them to keep the peace and avoid the hassle? But equally, they don’t deserve to be mentioned and I want to celebrate my special people and not them!

my AIBU is really, AIBU to not mention them in the speech and then just ignore their complaining afterwards?

or should I be the bigger person and say something for them to avoid conflict and make them happy?

Surprised you have even invited nasty people like this to such a special day for you

Speak from the heart about the people who have shown you what love and support is and that's your grandparents.

Let your parents complain, they sound like shit parents .

Have a wonderful wedding day.

Are they contributing to the wedding at all? Have they helped with anything? Given advice? Can you genuinely thank them for a small contribution and then go on to give your GPs the tribute they deserve?

Can you say something about we all have fabulous parents but I want to recognise my GP as not everyone is lucky to have their support

So sort of recognise your parents but focus on GP?

Mention the people who have had a positive impact on your life!

I would phrase it as something like
Big thanks to all of my family particularly my wonderful grandparents who blablabla...
That way to did sort of mention them but the grandparents get the special shout out they deserve.

Yes, I think you should mention your parents too, as in the suggestions above.

They genuinely haven’t. My mum was supposed to pay for my dress (had promised to do so) but then spent the £2000 she said that she had saved on a holiday, so my lovely nana paid instead

So back to my point - what have you even invited them? They sound horrible

I had thought this but I think that this wouldn’t cut the mustard with them, they’d expect the same level of thanks as tng grandparents otherwise there would still be an issue

Come on op
woman up here

I know it seems daft but it’s just easier. Much as my grandparents despair at them, they are their children at the end of the day. They also receive half the grief that I get and I don’t want to put that stress on them either. My grandad just wants everyone to get on!

The easy way would be to thank the important people in private and focus your speech on your husband.

That's not what I'd do, because I'd make a point of not thanking your parents if I were you but you don't want to do that.

Not daft
Very unhealthy tbh

I don’t think a wedding is somewhere to throw shade tbh. You say your parents don’t acknowledge their mistakes - maybe they haven’t made any and you just haven’t agreed with their choices? Or if they have been genuinely awful why invite them at all. I’m sure you can thank everyone and include your grandparents - you don’t have to be public, you can speak to them at the wedding.

@snackadoo , I think this ☝🏻 is the very best advice you’ll get. Have a wonderful day.

They’ve not given a penny

But why even see them to get grief ?

If you gush about them falsely in your speech, you’re just reinforcing their narrative that they were perfectly adequate parents.

Personally I wouldn’t do a speech. I don’t like them at the best of times unless they’re very witty and well delivered (few and far between!).

If it’s going to cause you anxiety before hand and stress afterwards, just leave it. Tell your grandparents in private and make sure they get a big bunch of flowers from the display to take home.

If you must you could thank your grandma for the dress in the speech - it’s at least relatable and doesn’t have to be a whole big thing.

I also wrestled with this conundrum for my speech at my wedding.

In the end, I got round this by thanking my parents for welcoming my DH into the family. It meant that I mentioned them, I thanked them, and I was true to myself. I them was very effusive about my best friends who were actually deserving of thanks for their actual contribution to my life/ emotional well being etc etc.

Fuck that. Why should you tow the line so they can save face.

Stick to your guns and thank those who helped. If they kick off ask them what they have ever done for you. Twats.

I actually think this is such a cruel thing to say. I appreciate that I haven’t shared what my parents have done but you have immediately assumed their side and that I am being ridiculous. Some highlights from them include: giving away my cat because they wanted a dog and didn’t think it was sensible to have both, taking a cut of my birthday and Christmas money to put towards ‘upkeep’, expecting me to fund my own food in the house from the age of 14 when I got my first job (no longer included for family meals etc), leaving me from age 10 to look after 2 little brothers whilst they went to the pub drinking and slipping me alcohol from around age 12 when I had nightmares so that I would sleep quietly.

im sure you will drum up an idea of how all of those things were justifiable and how melodramatic I am, but there we go.

i personally maintain the relationship that I now have with them for the benefit of my grandparents, so that they don’t have further issues or become upset. I am happy for my parents to attend the wedding as it is easier and they won’t cause public disruption, but that doesn’t mean i need to forgive them or be fine with everything

I like this idea! That’s at least partly true I suppose 🤣

Can you just give out Bouquets of flowers- your mum, gran, MIL -and some equivalent for the fellas say something generic like "for everything you have done for us". They must have done something for you at some point.
Then if you wanted to say extra about your grandparents "Thanks Grandma for making the wedding cake" or whatever you can.

I don't think you can dig deeply into your Grandparents going above and beyond for you without it highlighting why they have to which will be uncomfortable for all.

So then the poster makes a good point - if they are that awful, why are they coming to your wedding?