Should I mention parents in my speech to keep the peace?

[snackadoo]

Will try not to drip feed but also keep things short for ease!

I do not have the best relationship with my parents. To put it bluntly they have never prioritised me in life and have made lots of mistakes that they refuse to acknowledge. Where they have failed, their own parents (my lovely grandparents) stepped up. They have done their best to fill in where they shouldn’t have had to and are truly my hero’s.

I am on okay terms with my parents, we speak semi regularly and when I do see them it’s fine. But we’re definitely not close and things are tense at times.

I am due to get married soon (yay!) and am doing a speech which I’m very excited for.

obviously the broad content of the speech is about my lovely soon to be husband and our relationship. However, I’d really like to ‘shout out’ my family and in particular my grandparents, as they’re not often thought of as being so important and I really want everyone to know how much they mean to me and how grateful I am!

the issue lies that if I mention my grandparents and do not mention my parents then my parents will, for want of a better phrase, see their arse. They won’t say anything on the day, they wouldn’t be willing to kick off in public, but would absolutely moan after about how mean it was and how I hurt their feelings.

I therefore don’t know if I should also mention them to keep the peace and avoid the hassle? But equally, they don’t deserve to be mentioned and I want to celebrate my special people and not them!

my AIBU is really, AIBU to not mention them in the speech and then just ignore their complaining afterwards?

or should I be the bigger person and say something for them to avoid conflict and make them happy?

Hi all, thanks for all the comments and advice, I really appreciate it. I think that I will go with the other idea that was suggested and that I had thought of along the lines of “I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the people who you don’t normally think of as being so important” then say a nod to my lovely grandparents.

For those asking, yes my closest friends etc do know what my parents are like so won’t appear particularly weird they’re not mentioned much.

I appreciate that I perhaps should have offered more context in the OP as to my parents behaviour, but I didn’t want it to descend into the back and forth that happened over whether they should even be invited or whether I should speak to them at all etc etc. I know it’s hard to understand if you aren’t in this situation but it’s so much easier said than done.

To answer a different question, my grandparents are aware that my parents are useless but not to the extent that they were awful. I have no intentions of filling them in as they are all 70+ and do not need the stress. I would rather be the bigger person than drop bombshells on them that they don’t need as older people

I think that eventually your grandfather will have to realise that you will have to prioritise your peace, over keeping the peace. Do what's suggested, a quick mention, then proper acknowledgement of your grandparents. Any complaints from your parents later on and it might be time for a few home truths. The Wedding dress situation should have put an end to your parents being protected and placated. This is the start of a new life and it should be a new start.

Dont spare their feelings. Speak the truth. Let them see their arse. Ive had shit parents and they know exactly what i think.

Thankfully, every parent does not make the sort of 'mistakes' that OP's parents' did. They were neglectful and abusive. They are lucky that OP has invited them to her wedding. I certainly wouldn't have done that.

Speech aside, are you following old tradition and being accompanied down the aisle? If so, I hope grandad has that honour and not your dad.

Little things also matter. Every time someone at the wedding compliments your dress, be sure to tell them that your wonderful GPs bought it for you.

I think your over thinking this. You said your grandparents want everyone to get on, so just thank family. Perhaps get grandparents a special gift you can give privately or some flowers sent to them etc

Yes, my lovely grandad is walking me down the aisle!! I geared myself up to tell Dad and before I could he grunted that he ‘assumed grandad would be walking me’ so I just happily agreed and that was that thankfully!!

I wouldn’t invite them. I’d give no fucks about it either. If you have to have them there at least only thank the people who actually deserve it. You don’t need to make a big deal of it, just don’t mention them - that will speak volumes in itself. Have an awesome day. I’m sorry you have shit parents op.

I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, but I might thank your parents for bringing you into the world, enabling you to grow up and meet your lovely husband. Then thank your grandparents for all the loving care they gave you.

Are they your Mother or Father’s parents OP?

Going against the grain but, unless you had an abusive, neglected, starving and cold childhood with drunkards, it is a done thing to thank your parents at your wedding. They gave you life and raised you, and made sacrifices to their own lives that you are not even aware of. You would not have had your lovely wedding now if you had not had your parents in the first place.

Wedding is a good time to acknowledge and just be grateful for anything they did do for you when you were little and relied on them. You can of course thank your grandparents however you wish.

You could give them no praise praise, - Thank you for driving me to stand on my own two feet from an early age and helping me fully appreciate the value and support of wider family. On that note I’d particularly like to thank my grandparents…

Did you actually read the OP’s post about what her parents did to her?

I did. Did you subtract that from 18 years of raising a child that they also did?

It’s not about what they expect.

I’d do exactly as pp suggested- thank ‘family’ and then make a big deal of your lovely grandparents.

If your parents kick off afterwards, stand up for yourself . eg ‘I’m having trouble understanding why you think I should thank you. Grandparents did XYZ, not you.’

Both sides, I am lucky enough to have 4 lovely grandparents who have supported me

They didn’t - my grandparents did…. From around the age of 14 (when I was expected to pay for my own food etc) I used to spend 2 or 3 days a week with each set of grandparents, so I was only ever at ‘home’ a maximum of 3 days a week, usually 1 or 2 if I could help it. when I was there I was the babysitter, and expected to care for my siblings, make my own meals, do my own washing etc etc. doesnt sound like much raising to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Where were you before the age of 14? Did you leave your parents' house completely from the age of 14?

I am not going to argue. You asked for opinions, I gave mine. You do what you want of course.

Your parents don’t sound great, to put it mildly.

However, surprisingly (to myself), I agree with the person saying you should thank them. Their special mention could just be for giving you life and bringing you into the world (and creating the relationship you have with your DGPs). And then, gush over your grandparents.
Not mentioning them will just be a big glaring shade

I’d say it’s fine to do either.

Either just don’t mention them, and go ahead as planned with lovely tribute to your grandparents.

Or give them a cursory mention to tick the box and keep them quiet, then the heartfelt thanks to your grandparents.

You don't need to mention parents or grandparents.

Snackadoo I am so sorry that you are in this situation, been there got the T-shirt! You need to do whatever is best for you and you only. You need to sleep peacefully at night and not fret about them. As for funding your own food WTAF!! Never mind the cat situation, they are obviously not right in their heads to do that to a child. Go absolutely no contact. All the best for a more positive future.

Children do not ask to be born. Typically people 'give them life' because they, themselves, want children, not as some altruistic gift to the child. And parents have a duty to do more than simply birth, clothe and house their children.

I’d ignore posts like the one you quoted because theyre coming from people who have a great, supportive, family and simply cannot imagine that parents can be shit.

And they lack the imagination and empathy to put themselves into your shoes. Instead it’s easier to put down people rather than have their little bubble burst.

So sorry that your parents were awful when you were growing up

Agree with others, mention them in a very vague 'thanks for welcoming my dh' way but then enthuse about your grandparents who stepped in and helped you, they deserve that recognition.

It is staggering that your mother promised to pay toward the wedding but spent it on a holiday instead!