Should I mention parents in my speech to keep the peace?

[snackadoo]

Will try not to drip feed but also keep things short for ease!

I do not have the best relationship with my parents. To put it bluntly they have never prioritised me in life and have made lots of mistakes that they refuse to acknowledge. Where they have failed, their own parents (my lovely grandparents) stepped up. They have done their best to fill in where they shouldn’t have had to and are truly my hero’s.

I am on okay terms with my parents, we speak semi regularly and when I do see them it’s fine. But we’re definitely not close and things are tense at times.

I am due to get married soon (yay!) and am doing a speech which I’m very excited for.

obviously the broad content of the speech is about my lovely soon to be husband and our relationship. However, I’d really like to ‘shout out’ my family and in particular my grandparents, as they’re not often thought of as being so important and I really want everyone to know how much they mean to me and how grateful I am!

the issue lies that if I mention my grandparents and do not mention my parents then my parents will, for want of a better phrase, see their arse. They won’t say anything on the day, they wouldn’t be willing to kick off in public, but would absolutely moan after about how mean it was and how I hurt their feelings.

I therefore don’t know if I should also mention them to keep the peace and avoid the hassle? But equally, they don’t deserve to be mentioned and I want to celebrate my special people and not them!

my AIBU is really, AIBU to not mention them in the speech and then just ignore their complaining afterwards?

or should I be the bigger person and say something for them to avoid conflict and make them happy?

expecting me to fund my own food in the house from the age of 14 when I got my first job (no longer included for family meals etc), leaving me from age 10 to look after 2 little brothers whilst they went to the pub drinking and slipping me alcohol from around age 12 when I had nightmares so that I would sleep quietly

so… abusive. Neglectful. What a drip

do you have kids @snackadoo ?

I think you’re being really quite harsh. In an ideal world I wouldn’t speak to them and that would be that, but it’s not an ideal world. I wasn’t really asking for if I should or shouldn’t invited them and didn’t want to make the post super long going into absolutely everything that didn’t really apply to the question. They probably were abusive, but assuming that’s the case, I would like to think that you’d have more empathy for how hard it is to escape that mindset.

to answer your other question, no I do not have children and I am 27

I disagree, based on your op this was not cruel it was a measured response:

include them in the speech to avoid drama if you are inviting them
don’t invite them if they are awful

What you describe in your later post is cruel, neglectful and down right abusive that social services would be involved with if knew about.

rather different from your Op

In your shoes, I wouldn’t be within a 5 mile radius of them

So stop maintaining it? Your grandparents will just have to deal with the fact that they raised someone who was a dreadful, neglectful parent. I have no patience with ‘just wanting everyone to get on’ if it involves a victim having to pretend that abusive behaviour wasn’t that bad. Your grandparents are part of the problem here.

Let them moan- they let you down, there is nothing wrong in letting them know.

“ Thank you to all our lovely families, our parents but I wanted to give a special mention to my wonderful grandparents….” Then say what you want about your grandparents. You won’t have missed your parents out, if they do say anything say you thanked them.

You can do the obligatory flowers but maybe pull your grandparents to one side on the day or take them out a few days before and give them special gifts. I’m sure they know how you feel and know your parents won’t take it kindly if you leave them out and your grandparents will just want you to be happy on your day with no drama or stress.

I like this suggestion, thank you. I am planning on writing my closest people cards/letters to open on the morning of the wedding so they will have something to read that expresses all of my feelings, but I still wanted to give them a public shout out too.

nothing too crazy in the speech but along the lines of “I wanted to mention my wonderful grandparents, my grandads inspired my love of history and nature, my grandmas who taught me how to be strong and wise, thank you for always being there for me. There is no one else I’d rather call at 3am when I need help, although I’m sure you’ll all be glad that this is husbands job now!”

Are your grandparents aware of the extent of the abuse you suffered at their children’s hands?

Do you actually care if their feelings are hurt? Based on how they’ve treated you, that’s what I would throw back to them if they said anything.
you seek to feel very strongly shout doing a shout out to your GPs, so I say do it!!

What you are planning to do and say is lovely.
Enjoy your wedding day. 💐

Agreed. If the grandparents are covering up or in denial about the abuse, they’re part of the problem.

This ❤️

You can just talk about special people, and not namedrop everyone, if you want. But saying Granny X and Grandpa Y and missing out your parents might upset your grandparents, because a lot of people assume that if someone behaves badly, they weren't brought up well, which can be unfair, but still true (look at how people always blame the parents when any kids commit crimes).

Also, brides don't typically give a speech, so you definitely don't have to do one which solves the problem. Obviously you can do, and that's fine, but the problem is easily avoided by just sticking to the groom doing a speech.

It sounds like you want to have a peaceful life where they can more easily believe everything is okay really? In which case yes, mention them. Not doing so will be pretty obvious and certainly deserved by the sounds of it, but doesn't set you up for the life you want.

I would thank them in your speech, just a small generic thank you right at the start ("I'd like to thank my parents without whom I wouldn't even be here...."), then go on to thank your grandparents and other family or friends with reference to what they've actually done. And get your grandparents a small gift to give them the morning of the wedding and tell them how much they mean to you in private.

Why do your grandparents even want a relationship with them, knowing how they treated a child; they were cruel and abusive. Do they understand exactly how they treated you; as why do they ‘want everyone to
get on’?? it’s really not appropriate here.

Why the hell are you inviting them to your wedding; i wouldn’t want to see these people ever again.

Oh, fuck your parents! I would praise your grandparents, who clearly went above and beyond (and still do), whilst your parents couldn't even do the minimum.

There'd be no mention of them, were it me. They don't deserve any. I would see it less as 'keeping the peace' and more as 'lying' if I did mention them. And, frankly, why are you bothered to keep the peace with them? They should be grateful to be invited at all.

We had the exact same. My husband was giving his speech and was speaking so wonderfully about my parents and how much he thought of them etc, and he just said something like “and to my own parents, thank you for always being there”
unfortunately, they were never there for him, but, like you, he didn’t want to leave them out. It saved face and we just moved on.
very awkward one though.

A friend had similar & was raised my her aunt.

Her speech was something like this.

I'd like to thank my parents who've been with me since the start,
my friend's who have I've made along the way,
my in-laws who've treated my as one of their own since I met husband in recent years.
And aunt - we've always had a special bond etc etc.

Her parents got a sentence, same as her inlaws and friends.

Ignore the posters questioning you OP, they are just randoms who have no idea of your life and history with clearly abusive parents stop defending your decisions there really is no need.

As for your speech I think it is lovely that you want to give one, I gave one too at my wedding 6 years ago (only DH and I made a speech). In your shoes I wouldn't make a gush of GP in front of everyone I would however take them aside just before or on the day and tell them what you have told us.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

You could also say thanks to my parents, siblings etc for being part of our day and a special mention to my grandparents for x,y,z. Enjoy your day.

I like this idea too. I’d probably drop in how lovely they look on the day too. That should keep your mum happy. Then move on to your GPs.

I think posters haven’t read the level of cruel abuse and neglect these parents inflicted