Should I mention parents in my speech to keep the peace?

[snackadoo]

Will try not to drip feed but also keep things short for ease!

I do not have the best relationship with my parents. To put it bluntly they have never prioritised me in life and have made lots of mistakes that they refuse to acknowledge. Where they have failed, their own parents (my lovely grandparents) stepped up. They have done their best to fill in where they shouldn’t have had to and are truly my hero’s.

I am on okay terms with my parents, we speak semi regularly and when I do see them it’s fine. But we’re definitely not close and things are tense at times.

I am due to get married soon (yay!) and am doing a speech which I’m very excited for.

obviously the broad content of the speech is about my lovely soon to be husband and our relationship. However, I’d really like to ‘shout out’ my family and in particular my grandparents, as they’re not often thought of as being so important and I really want everyone to know how much they mean to me and how grateful I am!

the issue lies that if I mention my grandparents and do not mention my parents then my parents will, for want of a better phrase, see their arse. They won’t say anything on the day, they wouldn’t be willing to kick off in public, but would absolutely moan after about how mean it was and how I hurt their feelings.

I therefore don’t know if I should also mention them to keep the peace and avoid the hassle? But equally, they don’t deserve to be mentioned and I want to celebrate my special people and not them!

my AIBU is really, AIBU to not mention them in the speech and then just ignore their complaining afterwards?

or should I be the bigger person and say something for them to avoid conflict and make them happy?

Do you need to do this at all? The audience will make all the right noises, because that’s what you do at wedding speeches, but really they’ll just be waiting for you all to stop talking so they can enjoy themselves. Overly sentimental speeches can tip into embarrassing. A funny anecdote and a vague thank you to everyone is fine, then say the meaningful stuff privately.

Or they have, and they’re not judging the OP for how she’s dealing with it.

FWIW, I grew up with different but similarly damaging parents, and it is very very hard to step out of such a dysfunctional family system when you’ve been born into it and it’s all you’ve ever known. The fear, obligation and guilt, plus the societal conditioning of ‘but they’re your parents’/‘you only get one mum’ etc, is very strong and difficult to break.

OP will go through this at her own pace and she might make different choices to the ones that strangers on the internet deem ‘correct’ with regard to what level of contact or relationship she has with her family, but that’s her journey to go on.

OP, congratulations on your wedding. It’s so difficult to work your way out of a dynamic like this, and I really feel for you. You’re understandably trying to keep everyone happy because that’s probably what you’ve been trained to do for a very long time.

I think you need to figure out what’s going to ruin your day less - putting them in the shadows or front of stage. In hindsight going abroad to get married might have avoided the difficulty.

It feels like it has the potential to taint your day and it’ll be a shame to find yourself focusing on their failures rather than the love you feel.

These are such kind words, and ring so true, thank you so much

We were at a wedding where the grooms parents were addicts, his gran had brought him up. He thanked his gran for all her help ,support and encouragement, he thanked his in-laws for their support, love, kindness and for welcoming him into the family and then he said , and I quote “ thanks to my mum and dad for………….” (huge long pause) “ shagging and making me or I wouldn’t be here” . The room went into a hushed silence where we all looked at each other awkwardly before his mum and dad started laughing! I would have been mortified if one of my children had said that!

all very bizarre,

I think the expression “dammed with faint praise” is what is needed! I had to do this when I got married, I arranged the seating so that there was no top table, no allocated seats at the wedding service and I requested no FOB speech too. I gave a speech that gave the slightest nod to my parents, but the main focus was to my grandparents. Did it go down well with my parents, NO it did not! But everyone else fully understood that I was being very true to the situation.

Op, there are a handful of posters who are doing the rounds tonight digging into Op's and not letting go. You have explained why they are going to your wedding to avoid a bigger fallout. I hope everything goes really well on your big day🥰

You sound like a wonderful young woman.
Your parents are horrors and don't deserve to be thanked.
I am sure you will look lovely.
Very reasonable to thank granny for your beautiful dress.

You are young and still full of fear, obligation and guilt from these people, but one day when your grandparents are passed, you might step away fully from them.

They don't deserve you.
Make sure you get photos of you with your grandparents on your own, which will be special for you and them.

Enjoy your day and pass off your parents if you must.
If they aren't satisfied, just walk away and see even less of them.
Your grandparents shouldn't be putting their wishes for peace ahead of your awful truth.

Good luck.

No don't be fake

I think your speech sounds lovely. It’s clearly dysfunctional to “stiff upper lip” your abusive parents for your grandparents benefit. But that’s the situation you’re in, for whatever reason. That’s not the point of the OP.

Make your speech, thank your grandparents and talk about how wonderful they are. You don’t need to mention your parents. Your husband will know, your grandparents will know, your friends will know how awful they made your childhood.

Ignore their complaints after the wedding.

How aware are your friends and DP family about how awful they are? It will probably be remarked upon by others if you don’t mention them. I’d be more inclined to thank them to stave off gossip rather than because they deserve the thanks

I’m sorry but how does this have anything to do with you getting married? Or is it a cultural thing? This day is about you and your husband getting married. It’s great that your grandparents have been there for you but they aren’t going anywhere; your life is continuing. This is a lot of sentimentality.

I think YABU if you deliberately exclude your parents in your speech because you know the fallout will negatively affect your GPs.

That said, being authentic IS very important so is there a way you could include them that most people will interpret as positive but you'll know what you mean really e.g. "Thank you to my parents for helping me to become the person I am today and to my GPs for their continued love and support"

Cause actually that is true, both the postiive and negatives from our upbringing have a huge influence on who we become, and whilst I wish you'd had a childhood filled with love and nurture from your parents, I imagine your experiences have helped you with resilience, independence etc -Not meaning that in a silver lining way, cause obviously it shouldn't have been at the cost of you being a child!!

I get it OP and I probably would thank them, just to keep the peace.

I asked Chat GPT and got the paragraph below. Maybe you could try something like this, edited a bit for your own situation.

“I’d also like to take a moment to acknowledge my parents. Weddings are a time to reflect on the people who have been part of our lives and the journey that has brought us to this moment. Every family has its own story, and every experience helps shape the people we become. I’m grateful to be standing here today, beginning this wonderful new chapter surrounded by people who are important to us. Thank you for being here and sharing in our special day.”

Then elaborate on your grandparents. If you want to thank your parents for something specific, go with for welcoming your husband into the family and teaching you resilience as you walked life’s path.

It certainly sounds like you had to be resilient.

No judgement
but the OP gives the impression that not engaged parents
the follow up post reveals explicit and abhorrent abuse that social services would have been involved with had they been made aware.

These people are cruel abusers. And the Op is presumably wet damaged and

Say thank you tk both sets if parents and then a special shout out for nana who paid for your beautiful dress and gave you so much support.
dont get bullied into spouting praise on people who dont deserve it. It will cheapen the thansk to your real support network.

You could use this to make a really pointy dig at her.

”I want to say Thanks to Mum for saving up so I could have this beautiful dress. It takes a truly generous, decent and kind hearted person to step in and make sure a bride looks her best. I know Mum loves her holidays and when faced with the choice of a holiday or a dress for me… big round of applause for Mum, and all the people here who have gifted a loved one a wedding dress.”

but you would have to pre-warn your grandmother

Be the bigger person. Op.

You don't want any negative air or atmosphere at your wedding. People will not bat an eyelid if you thank your parents for what you can thank them for first, then move on to heart felt words about your grandparents.

Your parents gave birth to you, gave you terrific grandparents and siblings and probably other significant things if you really think about it.

Congratulations on finding a great person with whom to spend your life. Wishing you a very happy marriage.

Being a parent is much harder than being a grandparent. Everyone makes mistakes.

Can you briefly acknowledge them at some point in the speech, that way you don't have to deal with any complaints from them afterwards.

You missed this?

Some highlights from them include: giving away my cat because they wanted a dog and didn’t think it was sensible to have both, taking a cut of my birthday and Christmas money to put towards ‘upkeep’, expecting me to fund my own food in the house from the age of 14 when I got my first job (no longer included for family meals etc), leaving me from age 10 to look after 2 little brothers whilst they went to the pub drinking and slipping me alcohol from around age 12 when I had nightmares so that I would sleep quietly.

I have just read that. Missed it at first. Understandable why anyone wouldn't want to acknowledge them.

But why would you give them the same level of thanks?

They aren't likely to kick off on the wedding day then that's perfect. They can do al the kicking off they want afterwards. How would that affect you? They obviously don't feed you, pay your wages or pay your mortgage etc.
They don't sound very present either.
It's a win-win from where i am standing.

Frankly, even if they were to kick off in the wedding, i still wouldn't say what is not true in my speech.

God no don’t do anything like this!!!!

OP a very difficult and uncomfortable situation for you. I would keep a speech focused on your new husband apart from obviously thanking people for their help related to the wedding day and for coming. I’d be worried it might very overwhelming and emotional for you drawing attention to the situation so publicly. Make a point of speaking privately to your grandparents in the run up to the day and maybe get them a special gift to mark how much you appreciate them.

I wouldn't invite them.

But if you have to I wouldn't mention them.

But if you have to I'd say "and thank you to my parents for shaping me into the person I am today" and then wax lyrical about my grandparents.

They've been mentioned, it sounds like a compliment but really you're saying thanks to your abuse I learnt to survive adverse conditions 🤣

@snackadoo don't say this. (1) Some people may think your mum actually got you your wedding dress (2) it's quite negative and very passive aggressive, comes across as immature. Why would spoil the atmosphere at your own wedding? (3) It gives your parents (mother) more attention than they deserve. (4) You don't want to sully a beautiful moment of thanking your grandparents with such a 'bad vibe' jab at your parents.

To give your thanks and acknowledgement of your grandparents the weight and importance you want it to have, you shouldn't dilute it with unnecessary mentions of false thanks to anyone else, your parents included.

Your mum chose a holiday over buying you a wedding dress she had promised to buy you??! Different thing if she hadn't said she will get it for you but she had said she would. Wow!