To feel sad I was right about friendship?

[French69]

I left my home town about 15 years ago. I was determined I wouldn’t lose touch with people or let things drift, and indeed, I’m still in regular contact with my two closest friends from home.

I had continued to see one of my friends pretty regularly when I went to visit my parents. It was usually me making the effort to organise it, but I figured that was part and parcel of my being the one who’d moved, and she was always keen to come out. This wasn’t a couple of token meet-ups before things tailed off; we were in contact for years.

Anyway, a few years ago now I took a trip with her and another friend - and frankly, she was a pain. She upset our other friend, and everything had to be done her way. Nothing seemed to make her happy. If we were doing a lot of sightseeing, she wanted to know why we couldn’t just “chill”. Yet the day after we had a long lunch and a couple of drinks after, and she complained we hadn’t done enough with the day. I felt like I needed a bit of a break, so perhaps wouldn’t meet up with her for a while.

After that, I started to realise it was always me doing the organising. As I say, I thought that was just down to logistics, but even though I wouldn’t have expected her to invite herself to visit me, I realise she’d never once even suggested coming to me; nor had she even enquired when I’d next be in town. She was happy to meet me if I said when I was coming and suggested what to do, but none of it was ever proactive.

I decided to conduct a bit of an experiment and not be the one to get in touch or plan anything. This was seven years ago. I saw her once after that trip. Once. And that was when a mutual friend invited us both to her birthday party. “Friend” acted just the same as ever; you’d never have known anything was wrong. But from that day to this, she’s never made any attempt to arrange a meet-up. For the first time since moving, I didn’t arrange anything that Christmas - and even though she knew I was in town, neither did she. And nothing ever since.

I’m only thinking about today as I saw a Facebook post from her for the first time in ages. We’ve never “fallen out”; at one stage we still sent birthday and Christmas messages. But now we’re both just names on a list.

Normally I love being proven right 😄 Who doesn’t like feeling vindicated? But in this case, I really wanted to be wrong. I didn’t want to think a friendship of nearly ten years could end just because I hadn’t messaged in a while. As much as I suspected things would tail off a bit if I didn’t organise anything, I was hoping that, at some point, I’d get a “So when are you next in town?” or “Any plans over Christmas?” message. But no. Leaving the effort up to her meant never seeing her again.

I don’t really know what I want from the thread; just venting really. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I’ve seen your posts before. You are a total piece of work.

Which translates to she said nothing 'incredibly bitchy'.

It happens to most of us unfortunately. I have come to accept it as a part of life, so I can let go of people easy.

This thread has become really nasty, op I’d asked for it to be deleted.

Personally I don't find you especially unpleasant, certainly not compared to other posters I've come across on Mumsnet but I'm not sure what you're hoping for with this approach.

Forums are good for getting other perspectives, I've been really surprised by some people's different perspectives on how friendships work because they think completely differently to how I do. Doesn't necessarily make me come round to how they think but it's been useful to read these perspectives. It gives potential explanations and understanding for other people's behaviour that has left me baffled.

I think if you're not open to listening to other perspectives, obviously filter out any deliberate nastiness, then there's not a lot of point in using a forum.

So you think telling me I’m unpleasant and it’s obvious my friend backed off is nice? The little confused face emoji was just bizarre.

It’s not that I’m not interested. I just find it frustrating when certain posters keep repeating things that are just plain wrong.

I think a lot of Mumsnetters like to have a go at the OP under the guise of honest advice and “telling it like it is” - yet when they get any pushback rather than meek agreement, they’re clutching their pearls about how the OP is “so rude!”. Don’t dish out what you can’t take.

She hasn't really been dumped though, the friendship has just fizzled out. I don't know anyone who has retained every friendship throughout life. I had lots of friends as a teen or 20-something that I would no longer consider friends, but there was no dumping involved. Just distance (in different ways) that grew.

I've no problem with an OP biting back, I'll often think good on them but it might be worth looking back over all of your posts and considering what you're bringing to the thread. We all need to look at our own actions and consider what we have brought to a situation.

That being said it sounds like this particular friend has simply lost interest because of the distance factor. Even if you had the sugary sweetest personality in the world it's unlikely to have made a difference.

Her post that you said was 'incredibly bitchy' is below. Which part said you are unpleasant?

Agree with others that this has become an unintentionally funny thread!
The OP started the thread moaning about her old friend wondering why this has happened. From the rude answers she has given on this thread, it is quite clear why her friend backed off!

Well what did you think she meant by “It is quite clear why the friend backed off”? Was she implying she thinks I’m lovely?

I’ve had quite a few (rather snooty) comments about how “It IS okay for people to disagree with you, you know”. Perhaps you should consider that advice. You don’t think the comment was bitchy, I do: so what? We don’t have to reach consensus on the issue.

I think Llamas was referring to the post where someone took the time to write out a thoughtful reply to you and you responded with 'Meh'.

That did come across as rude and will make people wonder if that is how you respond in real life too.

I’ve just done something similar. Had 2 really good work friends. We’d meet up once or twice a year. It was a big birthday for me this year and I invited them to do something that we always do. One friend had car trouble and cancelled which was fine. Agreed with second friend that we’d reschedule. Second friend said a few times she’d get back to me with dates. Nothing. Friend one. Nothing. I have decided to step back. What will be will be. But it is sad when you realise you were the one doing everything but you are not worth someone checking in when they’ve not heard from you in a while. Everyone has things going on in their lives which I understand (my life is full of elderly relatives and a stressful job) but it’s just a bit sad you don’t warrant a check in when they’ve not heard from you as they’d usually do….. or to not get back to you with dates when they said they would.

So why did you write ‘Meh’ in response t9 a thoughtful, well-meant response?

Responding “meh? To a post which was clearly thought out is incredibly rude and dismissive. You can’t blame someone for thinking that, if this is how you respond to people who take the time to communicate with you, there might be a reason why this friend hasn’t bothered to do so.

That being said, some people just aren’t communicators. They’re good at responding, they’re ok at getting together when someone else does the organising, but they’re never the ones to write first. It’s just not who they are. The question is whether you’re happy to do the communicating, and if you’re not, then you stop.

I don’t personally get this notion of friendships ending. Yes they change shape, sometimes they fizzle out, but unless you’ve had a massive falling out I just see it as the nature of friendships which change over time, which tbh most do.

There are of course the other type of non communicators. The ones who never respond, or who do so after weeks and almost find it funny “oh yeah I’m terrible at responding to messages,” and they’re the ones who end up losing friendships because those friends become disillusioned and then stop communicating first.

Personally I’m a communicator. I’m happy to communicate first, if people respond then great. If people write first this makes me incredibly happy, but them not doing so doesn’t mean I consider the friendship over. Either you like someone or you don’t.

For me the line is drawn when people stop responding to me. I’m not going to chase people if they don’t want to respond. But I’m not going to stop sending messages to see if they send one first, to me that’s just game playing, and I don’t have time for that.

If you value someone, speak to them. If you don’t, then don’t. But don’t consider a friendship over just because they didn’t message first.

It wasn’t thoughtful. It was a long-winded way of saying “suck it up”.

Because it wasn’t thoughtful OR well-meant.

That "meh" post really wasn't bad or rude or insulting, it's fine to not agree with what was said but come on. Your response does make you come across quite badly OP.

I suggest you reread. It was both. It simply didn’t agree with your take on this.

I could not care less.

You don’t want to know what I suggest.

Not at all. I bet you’re a riot on your visits to your home town, and your old friends are agog to spend time with your wit and charm.

I suspect now that this is a reverse. The OP is the one not wanting to contact her “friend” first, and her replies are the reason why.