To feel sad I was right about friendship?

[French69]

I left my home town about 15 years ago. I was determined I wouldn’t lose touch with people or let things drift, and indeed, I’m still in regular contact with my two closest friends from home.

I had continued to see one of my friends pretty regularly when I went to visit my parents. It was usually me making the effort to organise it, but I figured that was part and parcel of my being the one who’d moved, and she was always keen to come out. This wasn’t a couple of token meet-ups before things tailed off; we were in contact for years.

Anyway, a few years ago now I took a trip with her and another friend - and frankly, she was a pain. She upset our other friend, and everything had to be done her way. Nothing seemed to make her happy. If we were doing a lot of sightseeing, she wanted to know why we couldn’t just “chill”. Yet the day after we had a long lunch and a couple of drinks after, and she complained we hadn’t done enough with the day. I felt like I needed a bit of a break, so perhaps wouldn’t meet up with her for a while.

After that, I started to realise it was always me doing the organising. As I say, I thought that was just down to logistics, but even though I wouldn’t have expected her to invite herself to visit me, I realise she’d never once even suggested coming to me; nor had she even enquired when I’d next be in town. She was happy to meet me if I said when I was coming and suggested what to do, but none of it was ever proactive.

I decided to conduct a bit of an experiment and not be the one to get in touch or plan anything. This was seven years ago. I saw her once after that trip. Once. And that was when a mutual friend invited us both to her birthday party. “Friend” acted just the same as ever; you’d never have known anything was wrong. But from that day to this, she’s never made any attempt to arrange a meet-up. For the first time since moving, I didn’t arrange anything that Christmas - and even though she knew I was in town, neither did she. And nothing ever since.

I’m only thinking about today as I saw a Facebook post from her for the first time in ages. We’ve never “fallen out”; at one stage we still sent birthday and Christmas messages. But now we’re both just names on a list.

Normally I love being proven right 😄 Who doesn’t like feeling vindicated? But in this case, I really wanted to be wrong. I didn’t want to think a friendship of nearly ten years could end just because I hadn’t messaged in a while. As much as I suspected things would tail off a bit if I didn’t organise anything, I was hoping that, at some point, I’d get a “So when are you next in town?” or “Any plans over Christmas?” message. But no. Leaving the effort up to her meant never seeing her again.

I don’t really know what I want from the thread; just venting really. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I don't think your friend has done anything wrong. You have drifted apart and she isn't making an effort for it not to happen, that is perfectly fine. I have moved countries a lot and made and lost lots of friends that way. It all feels a bit pointless when you realise you meet up once or twice a year and all you do is fill each other in on what you have been doing the last 6 months. Then another 6 months pass and you do it again. It becomes more of an obligation than something you actually get much out of. If you didn't have family in the area she lives in your friendship probably would have been over a decade ago, if not more. It sounds like she has plenty of friends, but it's friends who she spends time with.

You saying you feel vindicated makes it sound like you have spent the last 15 years trying to catch her out to prove how shit of a friend she is and to make yourself sound better as you made more of an effort. She is just not that bothered about being friends and that doesn't make her a bad person.

Of course no one is obligated. But she’d always see me if I made the arrangements. She even came abroad with me. None of that suggested not wanting the friendship to continue.

If she hadn’t wanted to in her life, it would have been pretty easy to fade things out. I only went home every few weeks; she could easily have claimed to be busy a couple of times in a row.

This post reveals a lot about you.

I also thought you were going to say it had been 7 months not years - why is this still bothering you this much? After almost a decade it’s very clear she’s moved on.

I explained this in my OP.

Like what?

I’m sorry, that’s horrible.

I had a similar experience. One of my friends at her wedding was slagging off another friend saying they weren’t real friends and that person had no idea. It was then I wondered how she really felt about me and I noticed I was always the organiser/initiator.

So I dropped the rope and haven’t heard her from in years. Sometimes I feel sad about it, but now I only have people in my life who genuinely want to be part of it. I’m ok with that.

I’ve always had long commutes to universities and various jobs. I found it very difficult staying friends with people you don’t live near. I’ve been friends with a lovely person for eight years but as soon as I changed jobs, we met twice and it fizzled out. We no longer had stuff to discuss as I don’t know their new colleagues or boss etc. Same for university friends I knew for 3 years. I’ve had many lovely friends but to keep them you have to live locally and meet up in person regularly as messages are not the same thing. It’s just the way it is.

Yeah. That’s all there was to it. Obviously all the detail of the friendship is in those few lines.

I think situations like this makes you re-evaluate the friendship, and you perhaps see it for something different. You thought you were best, or good, buddies, but then you realise you’re in her acquaintance category, rather than friend. Yes, she enjoys hanging out with you, but has other people higher up the pecking order who’ll she makes an effort with

That you’re obviously a similar sort of person - and also someone who likes to shift the blame. That dig suggesting I’ve spent 15 years trying to prove my friend is a shit friend… frankly, she proved that for herself. And I think it’s touched a nerve with you because you admit you’ve behaved in a similar way.

Thank you.

She doesn’t care if she never text either, to catch up or see how she was. Out of sight out of mind isn’t caring about someone - it’s not caring about someone enough to think about them when they’re not there.

Yes - in fact I feel like this is a common pattern with me and my friends, even when the situation is that we’ve both moved away.
I have generally taken the view that it makes me happy to see them and some people just don’t organise, so I will make the effort.
However this has been strained a bit recently and like you, I’ve felt hurt and stopped bothering. With one friend it was when I realised she had driven to Scotland to visit another friend and I was really surprised since she hadn’t made any effort to come and visit me in recent years.

Friendships are hard they require efforts. People more flaky these days. Im trying do a few hobbies and not rely on friends. Op its hard isnt it. Last week I met a few school mams coffee but its same ones planning it.

I moved away from my home town 40 years ago. I lost touch with most of my friends eventually, apart from 2 lifelong friends from childhood days. I try to meet up with them at least once a year ( separately, they dont like each other) but over the years I have come to realise that its always me who contacts them to arrange a meet up, and that if I didnt, I would probably never see them again.
Ah well ............

But equally, did the other person not care enough to think “hmm, haven’t heard from X recently, I’ll drop them a note to see how they are/when they’re next in town.”

The answer is no, that is what has upset OP.

I’ve had this a few times OP. Got on with people I’d known for years, but if I didn’t message them they wouldn’t message me much less arrange a meet up, despite always accepting the invitation if I made it. They sent think of excuses so I think they liked my company, just not enough to make any sort of effort. I think bc they had sisters who they got on with they didn’t feel like they needed to bother seeking out company, and when they had partners that was that. Bit sad but obviously they were happy with that.

When I was a teenager I had a friend like this and when she was leaving our meetup she said “see you again soon” and I said - well you won’t unless I invite you bc you never contact me.” It made her stop and go quiet bc she couldn’t believe I’d said it. But I was fed up with it. Needless to say I didn’t hear from her til I bumped into her a decade later and she never improved as an adult. Some ppl are just crap and selfish and don’t think or prioritise anyone but themselves.

But you have agreed this dynamic through your actions.

You said you were ‘determined’ not to lose touch. She would have noted that.

You set the tone by organising every meet up.

You let her have her way when you went on a trip.

You created a monster and then expected the monster to realise they should be a good friend.

You should have set boundaries from the start. Or even later on you could have communicated and told her that you feel the ball is always in your court and you would like it if she initiated contact and meeting up more.

But you didn’t.

You were passive and that’s why it’s still bothering you now.

I'm not shifting blame, I am saying nobody is to blame. It's common that friendships fizzle out when you no longer live near each other and don't spend much time together. I do have a few friends that I have kept since childhood/being a young adult, but most of my friends I had from that period have fizzled out as I have moved around and we have grown apart. So yes, I guess I have behaved in the same appalling way your ex-friend have. I have let some friendships slide throughout my life. However, I don't think that makes me a bad person. I also would have ended up with about a hundred friends now had I not let anyone go.

Not exactly the same, more because we were still young, but kind of similar. I guess the difference is I wouldn't say this friend ever did anything wrong, I'm not angry with her and bear her no ill will. It's an embarrassing story that doesn't make me look great but I will tell it as I think others in the thread have been a bit harsh to you and it might make you feel better. It got long sorry, you can skip the history!

My best friend from primary school. We were in the same form in secondary school but ended up in a group of friends that one by one bullied and excluded each girl (I was the second so not blameless as took part in bullying the first girl).

My friend was the 4th out of 6 so the last one really. I tried to support her through it and we never stopped being friends and going to each other's houses etc. In hindsight, I made a lot of effort in the friendship because I guess I was desperate to win her back as my best friend. My second friend group also ditched me when I went to college instead of staying at sixth form like everyone else (again I wasn't blameless) and this girl cancelled going to a concert with me to go to one of their parties. I was upset with her but we talked it out. Then when we both moved to different cities for university she really came out of her shell and made loads of new friends. I tried to keep the friendship going with visits etc.

Now we get to the similar bit, sorry. The penny finally dropped after a summer at home in second year when she made no time to see me and I again was bending over backwards to make it work and was supposed to be coming back from uni just to see her for the day. She cancelled on me on the day.

Like you, I decided to see how long it would take her to contact me if I just left it. Sent her a breezy message that was like 'ah no worries have a good time at uni and see you at christmas'. She never got in touch. It's now been 16 years. Sometimes I wonder if maybe she assumed I was done when I didn’t wish her happy birthday the following June. But I guess she probably was just relieved I'd finally given up.

Like you, I would've loved to be wrong. When I think about it, I honestly just still feel horribly embarrassed for trying so hard for so long for someone who couldn't have cared less. The sad thing is I'm now quite a terrible friend because I've never been able to get myself to invest in a friendship properly again. So I've kind of become her in that I'm rubbish at staying in touch and making the effort for people.

This girl has been much more active on Facebook recently after never being much of a social media user and I don't even think we would be friends now if I met her, she seems a bit dull and we have different interests.

I read some advice years ago that really hit home about how no one owes you their friendship. It helped me not to hold onto resentment about losing friends and not fitting in over the years.

And also obviously I imagine if she were to tell this story it would look VERY different. My other best friend from college who spent a lot of time with both of us would say that I was very important to this girl, but I think my other best friend is reading too much into a few drunken chats. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I did wrong and there's so much more I could add in but ultimately if there was something, I didn't matter to her enough for her to tell me what it was.

My point was you did t travel just to see your friend. It suited you to see her while you were in the area anyway. It obviously suited your friend too to catch up if you were around anyway. Neither of you went out of your way to see each other.

I don’t understand your quote about feeling vindicated. It’s obvious you are annoyed and equally obvious your friend isn’t bothered.

Loafs of friendships fizzle out when one or both parties don’t care about maintaining it.

I’ve had this with several friends, in particular colleagues whom I thought were friends. After a while you stop being the one to make the effort.

So true. You work alongside someone for ten years, leave the company and never hear from them again despite the ‘we must meet up for coffee’ comments.

I don’t think anyone is “angry” I’m certainly not.

But it is sad and a bit disappointing to discover that someone you considered a friend doesn’t care about you enough to get in touch (especially as it is so easy these days)

You are correct, they have no obligation to continue being friends with anyone. But it’s a bit surprising when they behave like a friend right up until the point that they have to make any effort.

Relationships should be two way.

You do realise we were friends and not manager and direct report, right? You make it sound like that I knew she was underperforming, but didn’t give her enough ongoing feedback, so it then came as a surprise in the annual appraisal.

A friendship shouldn’t be like that.