To feel sad I was right about friendship?

[French69]

I left my home town about 15 years ago. I was determined I wouldn’t lose touch with people or let things drift, and indeed, I’m still in regular contact with my two closest friends from home.

I had continued to see one of my friends pretty regularly when I went to visit my parents. It was usually me making the effort to organise it, but I figured that was part and parcel of my being the one who’d moved, and she was always keen to come out. This wasn’t a couple of token meet-ups before things tailed off; we were in contact for years.

Anyway, a few years ago now I took a trip with her and another friend - and frankly, she was a pain. She upset our other friend, and everything had to be done her way. Nothing seemed to make her happy. If we were doing a lot of sightseeing, she wanted to know why we couldn’t just “chill”. Yet the day after we had a long lunch and a couple of drinks after, and she complained we hadn’t done enough with the day. I felt like I needed a bit of a break, so perhaps wouldn’t meet up with her for a while.

After that, I started to realise it was always me doing the organising. As I say, I thought that was just down to logistics, but even though I wouldn’t have expected her to invite herself to visit me, I realise she’d never once even suggested coming to me; nor had she even enquired when I’d next be in town. She was happy to meet me if I said when I was coming and suggested what to do, but none of it was ever proactive.

I decided to conduct a bit of an experiment and not be the one to get in touch or plan anything. This was seven years ago. I saw her once after that trip. Once. And that was when a mutual friend invited us both to her birthday party. “Friend” acted just the same as ever; you’d never have known anything was wrong. But from that day to this, she’s never made any attempt to arrange a meet-up. For the first time since moving, I didn’t arrange anything that Christmas - and even though she knew I was in town, neither did she. And nothing ever since.

I’m only thinking about today as I saw a Facebook post from her for the first time in ages. We’ve never “fallen out”; at one stage we still sent birthday and Christmas messages. But now we’re both just names on a list.

Normally I love being proven right 😄 Who doesn’t like feeling vindicated? But in this case, I really wanted to be wrong. I didn’t want to think a friendship of nearly ten years could end just because I hadn’t messaged in a while. As much as I suspected things would tail off a bit if I didn’t organise anything, I was hoping that, at some point, I’d get a “So when are you next in town?” or “Any plans over Christmas?” message. But no. Leaving the effort up to her meant never seeing her again.

I don’t really know what I want from the thread; just venting really. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I can see why your friend isn’t fussed about maintaining contact, to be honest.

I think you’re being disingenuous here. You don’t seem to acknowledge that it wasn’t really possible to travel back solely to see her. I wasn’t going to say to my own parents “Yes, I’ll be in the city this weekend, but I’ll be staying with Louise, as I’m here specifically to see her”. I don’t think it’s a reasonable expectation.

If I had to travel to that town regularly for work, for example, and only bothered contacting my friend then rather than going specifically to see her, you might have a point. But there was no need to travel specifically to see her; it wouldn’t suddenly have made the interaction more valuable.

What if we were talking about my sister, or my aunt? Would you say “Oh well, you never went back specifically to see them; you just fit them in while seeing your parents”?

Well, you’re that type, aren’t you?

When someone says haven't heard from you for ages and turns it round on you. It's perfectly acceptable to tell them the phone works both ways . Otherwise they will think it's you.
Of course you don't have to.

Yes I would say that.

You didn’t go out of your way to meet your friend. You picked up the phone and met her while in the area. And she met you while you were already in the area. She didn’t pick up the phone so in that respect you reached out to her.
When I visit my parents in their hometown, meeting my old school friend is one of the ways I keep my sanity when I’m there. I’m very thankful she sometimes makes time to meet me when I’m there (which is a few times a year).

I don’t think less of her for not making a return visit because she’s doing me the favour by meeting me when I’m there and also it isn’t a transactional friendship.

You didn’t go out of your way to meet your friend.

Because I didn’t need to. I’m not sure what you’re finding so difficult about this.

Think of it like this. If I lived in London, my parents lived in Birmingham and my sister lived in Manchester, and I only saw my sister in Birmingham, I wouldn’t have the right to complain about her not visiting me, because I’m not visiting her either. If, however, my sister also lived in Birmingham, she couldn’t really say “Oh, but she never visits me; I just happen to live in the same city as our mutual parents”.

I wouldn’t give this another moment’s thought, OP. Mulling over something that ended 7 years ago isn’t healthy. Your ex-friend just wasn’t that bothered about a friendship with you so she shouldn’t get to live rent free in your head like this. Onwards and upwards.

I can relate to the feeling “embarrassed for trying so hard for so long for someone who couldn't have cared less”. I continued to reach out to a friend that rather suddenly dropped me. When she messaged me after a year and half of nothing to ask if I wanted to go to a concert with her, I was so happy. It was last minute, DH was away with work, arranged babysitter and went out. Somewhere over the course of the evening it struck me that she never acknowledged the missing year and a half. As the concert began, I asked her who she had originally bought the other ticket for and she told me it was for a boyfriend but he canceled at last minute due to work commitment. I sat through the first few songs and thought about how pathetic I felt, feeling so happy she had invited me out. I started to feel quite ill and told her I wasn’t feeling well and slipped out. She stayed. No message from her asking if I was ok. No offer to leave with me and make sure I got home ok. (I should add I genuinely was feeling ill). I haven’t seen her since.

I think there’s a lesson in all this about valuing yourself and surrounding yourself with people that value you and your friendship too.

I don't think I implied you had a work type relationship.

But friendships do need managing, to make sure there's give and take. You seemed to inadvertently find yourself in the pacifier role because you moved away and you let it go on too long. I think it would have been better to evaluate the friendship every year or so.

But because you let it go on for 8 years, you became the default organiser.

In any case, in case it's not clear from my posts, she is not a good friend and you are well rid.

Wow, for her to not even message you that night and ask if you were feeling ok and got home ok is so cold. You are well rid.

So your saying one person should do all the suggesting.
People need to get off their backside realise it's 2 way and do something. Shit friends if they don't
They loose out too.

Correct. You didn’t need to.
But you also didn’t go specifically to meet her anyway. You’d have gone whether she was there or not.

Anyway it was a very long time ago. Time to move on . It’s good you can meet other friends there instead.

I don't disagree with this. I don't think everyone is good at long distance friendship or gets a lot out of them. This person may just be prioritising people that are a meaningful part of her regular life because those are the friendships that work for her. As you get older you learn more about what suits you and what you're no good at.

I’m not sure why you’re being pissy to everyone who dares says a word in disagreement with you, OP.

You had a bad holiday with her and then things drifted. Hardly surprising. You only saw her at your own convenience.

I’m not - I’m just pointing out obvious mistakes! It’s my dilemma; why can’t I correct people when they get things wrong?

You only saw her at your own convenience.

Rubbish! I did all the travelling; I made all the effort. How was it more convenient for me than for her, who only had to pop down the road?

Should have known you’d get pissy at that too.

You aren’t correcting mistakes. They are just reading the situation differently to you and have a different opinion.

You had reason to frequently come to your hometown and it wasn’t for her. It was to visit your family. You weren’t making any particular effort.

Well you shouldn’t have said something so daft.

And of course I made an effort. I always made sure I let her know I was in town; I suggested times and places, fit in with her schedule. Does none of that count as effort unless you specifically have to travel to a different city?

I have got my head around some friends are for a reason, some for a season and some are for a lifetime. She was for a season, you had lots of good times except for the holiday together, try and think of it like that.

And she did the same for you when you came to town, obviously.

It’s most definitely not daft to point out that you’re only willing to accept answers 100% in your favour. Have the maturity to accept some people may disagree with you.

She wasn’t bothered about the friendship. But was about other friendships.

Be relieved you didn’t spend more time flogging a dead horse. I’m sure you prioritise people. She was simply a higher priority to you than you were to her.

The more you post, the more I’m not the least bit surprised this friend didn’t nothing to instigate meet ups with you.

I’ll disagree with whoever I like, thanks.

Well, don’t you sound like a bloody delight.

This is unintentionally a very funny thread!

Agreed 😂