To feel sad I was right about friendship?

[French69]

I left my home town about 15 years ago. I was determined I wouldn’t lose touch with people or let things drift, and indeed, I’m still in regular contact with my two closest friends from home.

I had continued to see one of my friends pretty regularly when I went to visit my parents. It was usually me making the effort to organise it, but I figured that was part and parcel of my being the one who’d moved, and she was always keen to come out. This wasn’t a couple of token meet-ups before things tailed off; we were in contact for years.

Anyway, a few years ago now I took a trip with her and another friend - and frankly, she was a pain. She upset our other friend, and everything had to be done her way. Nothing seemed to make her happy. If we were doing a lot of sightseeing, she wanted to know why we couldn’t just “chill”. Yet the day after we had a long lunch and a couple of drinks after, and she complained we hadn’t done enough with the day. I felt like I needed a bit of a break, so perhaps wouldn’t meet up with her for a while.

After that, I started to realise it was always me doing the organising. As I say, I thought that was just down to logistics, but even though I wouldn’t have expected her to invite herself to visit me, I realise she’d never once even suggested coming to me; nor had she even enquired when I’d next be in town. She was happy to meet me if I said when I was coming and suggested what to do, but none of it was ever proactive.

I decided to conduct a bit of an experiment and not be the one to get in touch or plan anything. This was seven years ago. I saw her once after that trip. Once. And that was when a mutual friend invited us both to her birthday party. “Friend” acted just the same as ever; you’d never have known anything was wrong. But from that day to this, she’s never made any attempt to arrange a meet-up. For the first time since moving, I didn’t arrange anything that Christmas - and even though she knew I was in town, neither did she. And nothing ever since.

I’m only thinking about today as I saw a Facebook post from her for the first time in ages. We’ve never “fallen out”; at one stage we still sent birthday and Christmas messages. But now we’re both just names on a list.

Normally I love being proven right 😄 Who doesn’t like feeling vindicated? But in this case, I really wanted to be wrong. I didn’t want to think a friendship of nearly ten years could end just because I hadn’t messaged in a while. As much as I suspected things would tail off a bit if I didn’t organise anything, I was hoping that, at some point, I’d get a “So when are you next in town?” or “Any plans over Christmas?” message. But no. Leaving the effort up to her meant never seeing her again.

I don’t really know what I want from the thread; just venting really. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

No.

YANBU for feeling aggrieved. But you had both agreed this dynamic that you make all the running.

And then you suddenly stopped,

She probably thought you didn’t like her anymore.

You didn’t even attempt to communicate, to say to her that it would be nice if she organised something for a change.

This is why you feel upset, because you didn’t communicate and didn’t get any closure.

I had a friend I really loved but started to realise she never suggested meeting up - I made all of the initial contact and overtures. So one day I decided to see if she ever would contact me.

It’s been 12 years.

I have a friend like this. We were pretty close and used to see each other once a week usually but she was very flaky and I became a bit upset about the lack of effort so I cooled things off. It’s been a few years now and if I see her in the street she’s absolutely lovely and you’d swear she’s my best friend. If I suggest something she’s very keen and she’ll turn up and we have a great time but she will never contact me. She doesn’t even send me a funny meme or video that she’s seen. My DD is friends with her DD and she’ll go there and chat away and altogether have a lovely time. I just have to accept that this is who she is. If I want to see her then I make the approach or I don’t see her.

So not only is it the OPs responsibility to maintain the friendship but it’s also her responsibility to be the only one who cares enough to fix it?

why couldn’t her friend have asked what was up when the OP drifted away? She clearly didn’t care enough about the OP to ask if everything was ok.

My friend is better now for contact she said sometimes we fall into these roles (planner). I said it shouldnt be always the same people though reaching out.. But I did notice people dont want do things now or commit. Its hard. Then friendships fizzle out

Friendships are like all other relationships, it requires all parties to make an effort and of course it hurts when realise that you are the one who does all the work.
Yeah, it is sad when people drift apart over the years but it happens all throughout our lives, it's natural. I always think that we had a great time at that moment in time and will think fondly of those people but move on. Tbh, she sounded a bit of a drama queen anyway!

I’ve had very similar OP with my BF of 40 years.

She will just not come and see me at all anymore. I went home to visit over two years ago now and explained I would not be back for a few years due to various health problems. I saw her very briefly then and that’s it.

I get a text here and there when something is going on in her life and a couple of two hour calls a year once again when she’s got a problem.

I’ve had a terrible year including a medical emergency with my adult DC and I just get nothing. (If my health allowed me to drive home tomorrow she would once again act like we are the best of friends, she’s missed me etc. but she won’t visit me. She says it’s too far but has been on holidays all over the world in the last few years, I’m only in a different part of England.).

“Both agreed a dynamic”?!

Nah 😝😝

This is silly. You drifted apart over fifteen years, then you cut off your nose to spite your face after you didn’t get along on a trip, and now you’re siting around congratulating yourself on being ‘right’?

So you lost a friend you ‘really loved’ to prove a point to yourself?

No wonder so many Mners are friendless.

One thing struck me about your post was when you said you returned to the area you moved from and while there met up with her. Were you going there to meet her though or were you going there to see your family?
The other was that your friend never organised a trip to see you. But again, did you invite her?
I wouldn't invite myself to someone else's house and I might also assume you were in my area anyway rather than making the trip just to see me.

This is going to sound awful but I'm your "friend". The one that never ever ever initiates contact. The truth is I spent all of my younger years desperately trying to fit in when I knew I wasn't normal (diagnosed later on in life as AuDHD)- ive never had a need for friends but I had to play the part and put the mask on. Truth is, I'm quite happy without friends, in fact, I have so many things going on in my head that when friends get in touch I simply have nothing left to give. You won't understand if you are not like "me", the same as I dont understand people that just hang out with their friends/constantly text on a daily basis and actually enjoy it. I think you just need to accept them for who they are and not get worked up over it - everyone is different.

Do you think she was jealous of your friendship with the other friend that you brought on holiday? Some women are like that. Seems to come from wanting attention maybe?

I had about 6 friends I’d known from teenage years. Some knew each other, some didn’t.

When I was about 32, I realised that I was always the one initiating contact and that I always had been.

So I stopped.

I’m 47 now and I’ve never heard from any of them since. I could be dead for all they know. I live in the same house, have the same phone number and email address that I’ve always had.

Yeah OP, it's a horrible feeling and I'm surprised by the number of people here defending your ex-friend... presumably they've never been in that situation.

I had it with a friend too, where I gradually realised it was always me initiating contact (of whatever form). It was only when I looked back at a few years of Whatsapp messages that I noticed it, and the icing on the cake was when I suddenly got a message from her - which I was delighted about, and was just thinking I was wrong - when I saw it was a generic message to all of her contacts wanting to raise money for something! I replied saying I wouldn't be donating as I already had specific chosen charities that I donated to, and that I hoped she was well. I never heard back from her, which still makes me a bit sad, but I focus on my other friends now.

You obviously didn’t read my post properly.

Well I wasn’t going to go to my home town and not see my parents, was I?

I was friends with a lovely woman for more than ten years, we went through quite a lot together.

I suddenly realised during the COVID years that all our interactions started with me reaching out to her. So, like you, I thought I’d wait to see how long it took her to reach out.

It’s been 5 years and counting. And she is entirely capable of organising things, and does.

It’s disappointing to lose the friendship but it’s better to know where you stand, and to put your energy into friends who do actually value you.

Friendship should be both ways, yanbu

Same here. It was 10 years ago! There was a falling out between her & another friend so I decided to just rest it for a couple of weeks. Nothing. Realised she'd never organised anything, or contacted, but expected to be invited. When I was off on mat leave & struggling, I discovered she'd had a day off after I'd begged her to visit. Too busy sewing hand towels for her new kitchen, apparently. Lives a 2 minute drive away.

So I just didn't contact her to see how long it took. Still waiting. My understanding is she has no friends now. The thing is, she's unfriended me etc. it's all my fault. Other friend has moved away but still see/hear from her regularly. Hasn't heard from her, either. It still hurts, though.

She isn't obligated to make an effort if she's not bothered about the friendship. You (and many posters on this thread) are angry that she didn't meet expectations she didn't agree to in the first place. It's only her responsibility to make an effort if she cares about the relationship and wants it to continue.

She bases her friendships on geographical convenience and you no longer fit the criteria so she makes zero effort.

Adult friendships take work, and I do think if you’re the one that moves away the onus is on you to let people know when you’re visiting rather than expecting them to just ask you constantly. One of my friends moves around a lot (RAF) but we still make the effort, and it works both ways. If you gave up after the holiday you can’t be surprised she did too.

I also thought you were going to say it had been 7 months not years - why is this still bothering you this much? After almost a decade it’s very clear she’s moved on.

I was chatting with a friend recently about a mutual friend we’ve lost contact with. We both had the same experience with her. My mate said she has a three strikes rule. If you reach out 3 times and you get no response or an excuse, then she waits until they reach out. And if they don’t… well.. you leave it. I make exceptions for friends that I feel are having a hard time or ones that are bad at organising things but tend to acknowledge they are bad at that. You know, where they seem genuinely grateful for someone else to arrange meet ups.
The bad combination of seeming ungrateful for OP reaching out and wanting a holiday that’s organised by someone else but to an agenda they specify… I’m afraid that would be a friendship I’d let slide