To feel sad I was right about friendship?

[French69]

I left my home town about 15 years ago. I was determined I wouldn’t lose touch with people or let things drift, and indeed, I’m still in regular contact with my two closest friends from home.

I had continued to see one of my friends pretty regularly when I went to visit my parents. It was usually me making the effort to organise it, but I figured that was part and parcel of my being the one who’d moved, and she was always keen to come out. This wasn’t a couple of token meet-ups before things tailed off; we were in contact for years.

Anyway, a few years ago now I took a trip with her and another friend - and frankly, she was a pain. She upset our other friend, and everything had to be done her way. Nothing seemed to make her happy. If we were doing a lot of sightseeing, she wanted to know why we couldn’t just “chill”. Yet the day after we had a long lunch and a couple of drinks after, and she complained we hadn’t done enough with the day. I felt like I needed a bit of a break, so perhaps wouldn’t meet up with her for a while.

After that, I started to realise it was always me doing the organising. As I say, I thought that was just down to logistics, but even though I wouldn’t have expected her to invite herself to visit me, I realise she’d never once even suggested coming to me; nor had she even enquired when I’d next be in town. She was happy to meet me if I said when I was coming and suggested what to do, but none of it was ever proactive.

I decided to conduct a bit of an experiment and not be the one to get in touch or plan anything. This was seven years ago. I saw her once after that trip. Once. And that was when a mutual friend invited us both to her birthday party. “Friend” acted just the same as ever; you’d never have known anything was wrong. But from that day to this, she’s never made any attempt to arrange a meet-up. For the first time since moving, I didn’t arrange anything that Christmas - and even though she knew I was in town, neither did she. And nothing ever since.

I’m only thinking about today as I saw a Facebook post from her for the first time in ages. We’ve never “fallen out”; at one stage we still sent birthday and Christmas messages. But now we’re both just names on a list.

Normally I love being proven right 😄 Who doesn’t like feeling vindicated? But in this case, I really wanted to be wrong. I didn’t want to think a friendship of nearly ten years could end just because I hadn’t messaged in a while. As much as I suspected things would tail off a bit if I didn’t organise anything, I was hoping that, at some point, I’d get a “So when are you next in town?” or “Any plans over Christmas?” message. But no. Leaving the effort up to her meant never seeing her again.

I don’t really know what I want from the thread; just venting really. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I think the fact that she was a pain on your trip is more significant than her leaving you to make arrangements. It sounds like she has changed, and perhaps you have too, and she isn't someone you would want to holiday with now. I've had this myself. It was hard work so I let it lapse which was surprisingly easy as she wasn't making too many arrangements and she has moved away.

We haven't fallen out either and if she gave me a call, I'd be pleased to hear from her but our lives and values have diverged over the last 30 years.

Every time you feel sad about this, remind yourself how she behaved on your trip. Be polite and friendly when you see her, but remember that you are missing out on the relationship you would have now, not the one you had. She isn't that person and nor are you. You might find it works out just fine in the long run. Put more energy into meeting up with other people when you are home for Christmas. Focus your friendship energy elsewhere. And just remember her complaining on that trip if you feel wistful. It's her loss, OP.

You clearly have no idea of irony if you can’t see how YOU are coming across.

I’m not getting these vibes at all from the OP, she seems completely reasonable to me.

I don't think it's that you haven't made an effort or that you've done anything wrong by this old friend OP. The problem is that with friendship as a concept there aren't many rules and you're dealing with people's different preferences.

This person sounds like an out of sight out of mind person that chooses to prioritise local friends. You can't change that and it's up to you how much effort you want to make considering that.

I gave a perfectly valid and polite opinion. You replied ‘Meh’. I don’t think I’m the one here with the problem.

You have been incredibly rude to people in your replies, and no, you aren’t ’just pointing out mistakes’ - you just don’t seem able to accept that not everyone agrees with you and you don’t seem capable of expressing that like an adult. I’m hiding the thread now because frankly it’s a waste of time.

She's probably one of those people who don't get emotionally attached to their friends. So once you left, that was it and if you made an effort to see her, that was fine, but she could probably take it or leave it.

And my reaction to that opinion was “Meh”. Why are you allowed an opinion, but I’m not?

I’m hiding the thread now because frankly it’s a waste of time.

I believe the song goes “Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah!”

Yanbu x

Agree with others that this has become an unintentionally funny thread!

The OP started the thread moaning about her old friend wondering why this has happened. From the rude answers she has given on this thread, it is quite clear why her friend backed off!

Agree with others. Very common and worse if you don’t live close.

i have a friend who lives nearby - am still waiting for her to respond to a message about meeting up. I bumped in to her dh recently and nudged him to nudge her (we’ve known each other for 18 years, been on holidays together etc so it’s not a friendship
of convenience) but I can sort of see it’s not going to happen - I’m sure I’ll bump in to her at some point but I’m leaving it for now. I know it’s not personal so I’ll leave the door open.

I saw a mutual friend recently who hadn’t seen her for a couple of years either.

It can be hard to maintain long distance friendships.
Distance prevents you from investing the same time in them, so they become catch ups, which isn't the same. I've never been one for the catch up scene, I'd rather just let those friendships drift, and invest in close friendships. I think your friend probably feels the same.

I've learned to be quite sanguine about this. People take it very personally when this happens but the vast majority of the time it's not a vote on the friendship it's due to circumstances. Annoying and sometimes upsetting, but it's not personal.

It's really hard to keep friendships going when there is distance between you and most friendships change when people move away. People with young families and jobs are often struggling to make quality time with the people nearest to them, so building in time to see people they rarely see may just be a burden too far. It's shit but it's very normal.

It doesn't have to be forever though. I've had friendships from my adolescence which have gone dormant for years or even decades which I've rekindled after some time.

I think in the long run it's far better to just roll with it, be forgiving of people and leave some space for reconciliation. Dumping and blocking people only leads to resentment and apart from a short little hit of vindication it achieves nothing.

I’ve got a “friend” who lives 2 streets away that never contacts me first. It’s not a casual friendship either, known each other and families for 25 years, spent many Christmases, landmark birthdays and holidays together. I was in hospital last year and she never bothered messaging me, the only person in my contacts who didn’t, that was a wake up call.

I stopped messaging her and sent a generic text for her 60th birthday. It clearly hit a nerve as she initiated a conversation for the first time ever. I let her know how ill I had been and she sent some random flowers. At no point though did she apologise or suggest meeting up, somehow that’s “my job”. I can’t be arsed with it anymore and have decided to let the friendship slide. With a bit of distance I’ve realised how self absorbed she is, she talks about herself constantly and rarely asks questions about my life.

I do love it when people say incredibly bitchy things and describe others as rude in the same breath.

“Self-awareness? What’s that?”

I think your friend had a lucky escape.

You are coming across so badly on this thread OP,

It is very clear why your friend doesn’t reach out to you.

It’s a good time for some self reflection.

That's a good question to ask yourself...

Your friend has made her feelings clear, probably best just to leave her be now.

What did Llamas say that was ‘incredibly bitchy’?

OP I get that there is a lot of unkindness on this forum but it isn't a "validate and agree with me" board either.

Buy a mirror; that should help.

Who said it was? But you can’t say that and then complain if I argue back.

Read it.