To say yes to another baby

[confusedeffie]

I’m early 40s with 3 children. My 2 eldest are nearly adults and are from a previous relationship. I also have a 4 month old with my current boyfriend. I’m 16 years older than him and I was unsure if we would be compatible long term and so deciding to have a baby with him was difficult. I was worried that the novelty would wear off. Things have been really good and we are contemplating trying for another as we don’t want my 4 month old growing up as an only child. My boyfriend feels more strongly than I do as he is desperate to have another of his own. He is a good dad and we work well as a family unit but because we have the 2 older children there is lots of help on hand. Both of my eldest children will be at uni and then off into the world in the next year and I’m worried how I will cope without them. Remind me of the realities of having 2 under 2 in your forties.

It's not in OPs best interests to marry the boyfriend, she owns her own property, why risk that?

I echo what some of the posters have said! Your older kids shouldn’t be minding your 4 month old IMO. And from your post it appears you reply to much on them, of course the reality only you know. So I will share with you my experience. I was tasked to “help” with my brother that is quite a bit younger than me. I didn’t help at all and I love my brother. As a kid. As a grown up, I realised that my mum relied on me far too much, for childcare, for cleaning for emotional support. We now have a better relationship but it took ages to repair. My brother felt I “abandoned” him when I immigrated at an early age because in his eyes I took a motherly role. Again a better relationship now but it took work. It can do a lot of damage. Now I don’t know your whole life and I don’t presume to know it all from a handful of posts but I strongly encourage you to really think it through. I myself have 3 kids close in age but never ask my eldest to mind the youngest ones at all. I get a babysitter when my husband and I go out.

Your youngest isn’t an only child! She has 2 siblings! My dd is an only child and she’s fine. She’s confident and has friends. You shouldn’t rely on your other children to help support you with your baby. It’s not their baby and they have their own lives. I can only hear reasons not to have another child.

I agree with this, especially with you being older OP and the massive age gap with your partner.

If you are worried about coping with another after your older children move out, you are already relying on them too much.

Do you pay them for weekly babysitting? Do they help with laundry/cleaning associated with the baby, or just what they would have done anyway if you hadn't decided to have another child? As the baby gets older, will you expect them to pitch in with cleaning up their toys and mealtimes?

So you are "early forties" and he's mid twenties? How long have you two been together?

I think you should be looking ahead to when your baby and perhaps their younger sibling reach the teenager years - you’ll be mid to late 50’s and the teenage years can be hard work, you might want to be thinking about retirement or working part-time at that age but could be hindered by the cost of raising two teenagers and perhaps supporting them through university. You will have spent around 40 years of your life raising children to the age of 18. It’s a long time.

Op im sure i read another post that you made.
About having a baby at 44.

My sisters are 13 and 15 years younger than me and I adore them. We're grown up now and absolutely best friends.

No. Mainly because it sounds like you don’t actually want one but would be doing it to please him.

Has ypur partner had much experience around toddlers and young children? With help at hand, babies are easy. Two under two, or two 2/3 year olds are a different matter. It's a tough kne because time isn't on your side, but you need conversations around your children not being there and your partner filling the gap, as well as the lack of freedom. All the men I know hit around 37, start feeling their age and start the gym/hiking. You're going to be heading for 60 with 14/15 year olds. Primary schools are full on these days, is your partner talking about life beyond the baby years? I'm fit and well and my DD's childcare, but I certainly can't do what I did in my 30s. So it would be completely different going it alone this time.

Thank you for all your replies - I’ve been on a spa day so just catching up now. So the consensus is that I’d be mad to consider having another baby right now. I agree that I need to wait a while before putting my body through another pregnancy. There is a few years between my eldest two so I hadn’t considered the full challenges of 2 under 2 so thanks for highlighting this.

I really wasn’t asking about whether my eldest children have taken on too much responsibility. I am clearly from a very different position on this. Before my boyfriend and the baby came along they were just as mature, responsible and well adjusted teens. They have been taught to cook and clean properly from a young age. This is done with love and never have they moaned because I know what my children are capable of. We have always prioritised their education and well - being. They volunteer, help out at church and play sports to a high level. I honestly think people have such low expectations of teens these days that they think it’s normal for them to be in their bedroom on their phone. I don’t force my children to look after their baby sibling - they want to. I can’t fathom that there are families out there that wouldn’t want to look after their siblings for a few hours a week.

Lots of you are aghast at our age gap relationship but we’ve got a little one so can’t roll back time on that one. I’m fully aware that it may not work out but neither did my relationship with my eldest children’s father and that was under ‘perfect’ circumstances. We spent a long time trying to resist more so because it’s awkward with work but we both knew it was supposed to be so why fight it. I knew he wanted children and so we had the baby relatively early in our relationship because I was worried about my fertility because of my age.

I hope I’ve answered the main questions - I genuinely appreciate those offering advice with love.

On this point - I have loved every minute of being a mother. I would have had many more children if the relationship with my eldest children’s father had worked out. Once we separated, I accepted that I needed to focus on my eldest children rather than find love again and have more children. I wasn’t looking to start a new relationship but it happened and he didn’t have children so it’s something we talked about and decided that’s what we wanted for our family going forward. I wasn’t desperately longing for another child due to the huge gap but equally I didn’t take much convincing.

Duplicate

You sound lovely OP, good luck!

I have 2 under 2.5 in my mid 30s and it's hard. Like really hard.

I don't know why you would even consider it. It is madness. Enjoy the kids you have. I am 49 and my 2 kids are early 20s. I understand having one with a new parter- but this is nuts. Your baby is only 4 months- you have barely begun ! Each to their own and the best of luck.

Things have been really good and we are contemplating trying for another as we don’t want my 4 month old growing up as an only child.

Heaven forbid 🙄

I don’t think I’m the first to worry about this. I’m not saying they’d necessarily suffer but in an ideal world I’d like them to have a similar experience to my eldest two.