To say yes to another baby

[confusedeffie]

I’m early 40s with 3 children. My 2 eldest are nearly adults and are from a previous relationship. I also have a 4 month old with my current boyfriend. I’m 16 years older than him and I was unsure if we would be compatible long term and so deciding to have a baby with him was difficult. I was worried that the novelty would wear off. Things have been really good and we are contemplating trying for another as we don’t want my 4 month old growing up as an only child. My boyfriend feels more strongly than I do as he is desperate to have another of his own. He is a good dad and we work well as a family unit but because we have the 2 older children there is lots of help on hand. Both of my eldest children will be at uni and then off into the world in the next year and I’m worried how I will cope without them. Remind me of the realities of having 2 under 2 in your forties.

Again, wtf??? What is wrong with someone wanting to get back in shape after a baby, if that's what they want? Something really nasty is coming out on this thread.

There is an increased risk of SN though.
And there are numerous posts on MN by women left in the lurch and struggling with multiple children, some SN.

If your relationship is so fragile that it needs a weekly date night to maintain it, don't have another baby. Does your partner pay rent?

I couldn't do it personally absolutely not but my Dsis has a three year old at 50 and is having the best time of her life.

Did she have natural pregnancy at 47? Wonder if child will be happy when they are older with older parents

I personally wouldn’t have children in my 40s to rely on my eldest children to help take care of them. They are your children your responsibility not your eldest if they wanted children to take care of they’d have their own.

I think he’s about 28 and she’s 43.

I have one friend and one cousin who had a natural pregnancy at 47 and 48 respectively.

God No!!!!

No she wanted kids all her life and is fantastic with children it would have been heartbreaking if she'd never had any. She's a wonderful mum and really fit and healthy.
I had mine at 21 and I dont think I was a great mum really.
He will have the best memories.
She had IVF but used her own eggs and husbands sperm. Her eggs were still good.
Her LO has lots of cousins so he won't be left alone.

I am not bothered about her age tbh.

Good on that woman you know for having 4 In their 40s.

My issue here is more the fact she’s relying too much on her kids for childcare to “maintain the relationship” to the extent her concern about them going off to uni or wherever is focused on the lack of support she will have.

The fact she thinks a weekly date night is necessary when her child is a newborn makes me wonder if her and her partner will deal well with a second little without this additional support and freedom they have thanks to the older kids.

Well if your older two are stepping in as a parenting role then no you shouldn't. You and your partner need to parent not your older children that's pretty cruel to put onto them.

Yes i also try and seek alone time with my DH but we probably get date night 3 times a year a max with 2 young kids.

2 will be a lot more difficult for your older kids to handle at once.

But yeah this thread is blowing my mind. Look after your body op and the kids you already have.

For god's sake what is wrong with adult family members looking after a baby once a week? People have become so used to the atomised nuclear family and stifling isolation of modern parenting that they actually criticise other people who are lucky enough to have other options!

If they were looking after the baby all day or anywhere near that then fair enough. But one evening a week? There is nothing wrong with older siblings sometimes looking after younger siblings if they are adults, surely? I swear I am not in this situation myself and have no plans to be but I am genuinely baffled by people's reactions to this.

I think this seems to be the issue - people simply don't get these date nights and resent that you can have them, OP. They are actually stating it explicitly.

Don’t resent it at all, i have a good relationship with my DH.

My point is rather that i’m not sure op realises how good she’s got it now and that it won’t be that easy to get alone time when the older kids move away or stop bothering or struggle to cope with 2 at once.

And there is a difference between ‘relatives’ and ‘your adult children’.

I think a lot of the replies here could have been relevant if you had not already committed to having a baby with your DP, but your 4 month old is here, so it’s a different situation.
Do you have any idea why he so desperately wants a second baby? If it’s because your baby is a girl and he wants ‘a son to carry on his name’ or similar, I think that would make him rather shallow.
If he/you BOTH want to have a second child to complete your family, like many others decide to have 2 children, then I can’t see why it’s such a bad idea. You are already essentially tied to him and tied down by having your baby.
I had my children 21 months apart when I was 41 and 43. My midwife and health visitors both commented that I had more energy than many people they saw.
The part I did struggle with was when they were 2-4, and bickered all the time, but I don’t think I struggled any more than other mothers. It was just an unpleasant stage.

Gosh other people’s lives are so interesting.

But why is the thread 'blowing your mind'?

Also I don't think there is a huge difference between 'relatives' and 'adult kids'? Of course if the older kids didn't want to look after their siblings that's another story. But they seem like great kids - helpful and happy to be involved. That's a lovely thing IMO.

In fact OP perhaps you can give the rest of us some tips on how to raise such helpful adult kids?!

Shoobadoo Why is it "not cool" for teenagers to babysit once a week? Many do it for a PT job. I think its very "cool" for them to babysit their baby bro. They will have some experience of babies for possible future reference as well!

You should get married first. If he doesn't want to do that, it's not a good sign.

🙄

And if they don't want to? Who are you using for a babysitter then?

My older two look after the youngest when needed. I don’t consider it a parenting role! I don’t pay them either.

Had two under two at 40. Seriously thought about stopping to one and gave it a lot of thought, we were not the types who always had our hearts set on having 2+ kids. both working four days per week, no family help. We expected the first two years of being quite home-bound due to napping schedules etc and that’s how it was but was fine, we expected it. It wasn’t easy but we managed fine. Didn’t get back to regular normal sleep until the youngest was 3, def something I would take into account!
But in the long run I would say the overall difference between us and parents with one is that our plans and lives revolve around our kids. Whereas quite often with one child, it seems more like an adult lifestyle and the child slots into it. There are exceptions of course: it depends on the kids and on the parents’ mindset but I do think that’s the fundamental difference. Best of luck!