To say yes to another baby

[confusedeffie]

I’m early 40s with 3 children. My 2 eldest are nearly adults and are from a previous relationship. I also have a 4 month old with my current boyfriend. I’m 16 years older than him and I was unsure if we would be compatible long term and so deciding to have a baby with him was difficult. I was worried that the novelty would wear off. Things have been really good and we are contemplating trying for another as we don’t want my 4 month old growing up as an only child. My boyfriend feels more strongly than I do as he is desperate to have another of his own. He is a good dad and we work well as a family unit but because we have the 2 older children there is lots of help on hand. Both of my eldest children will be at uni and then off into the world in the next year and I’m worried how I will cope without them. Remind me of the realities of having 2 under 2 in your forties.

That’s because he’s closer to their age!

id like to hear your older kids views on this situation..

@confusedeffie I would be desperately sad if my 24 yr old son tied himself down to a 40 yo. I would also assume it wasn’t for keeps. The age gap will become very noticeable the older you get OP so I would think very carefully about expanding your brood.

How helpful will your boyfriend be with another baby?

He can't leave it all to you. If he wants another child, he needs to commit to the work that goes with it.

You can't rely on the older kids.

Oh come on! If she said they are paid does it make it better? We all babysat as teens.

Your 4 month old is the easiest is will ever be for a few years.
You may feel differently as it gets harder work.
I would definitely be waiting at least another couple of months before you even think about considering TTC in the future.

I think kids should do their fair share and it’s great you’re teaching them life skills but your kids seem to be doing much more than other children - it almost sounds like you have expected them to be adults from a young age.

Sometimes single parents can unintentionally make their children become the missing adult.
Most parents would be upset that their other DCs weren’t around because they’d miss them, your only concern is them leaving you with 2 kids to look after - they’re not their kids though!

Do you and your DP do the majority of the housework, cooking and parenting?

It doesn’t sound like your DP is very supportive if you’re so concerned with your other 2 not being around as much.

It’s a bit concerning you’re talking about getting your body back into shape too.

Not one part of your posts tell me that you actually want another baby.
I’m not sure you even wanted this one tbh and feel you may have done it just to try and keep your DP on the scene.

I agree about it not lasting.

I think that’s why OP had a baby and is contemplating another one, to try and keep him but it doesn’t work like that.

They only moved in together because she got pregnant, so this is a very new relationship and it was forced to move faster than planned - which rarely works out.

OP needs to think about the real possibility that she’ll be a single parent and how she’d cope with 1 vs 2 young DCs with no partner and no older kids to help.

I had 2 little ones and a man child whilst doing everything around the house.

I'm 60. Old. Tired. How will you feel at 60 with two teenagers? I work and look after 1 grandchild. By 6pm I'm fit for nothing. Where you are physically and mentally isn't where you'll be in 15 years time.

And also, be blunt and honest with yourself. You'll be 60 and your partner will be the age you are now. There is a very good chance your relationship won't last. I've been in a relationship with that age gap (me younger though). The longer we were together, the bigger that age gap got.

Do you work?

I had kids by myself and went to have the second one implanted at 6-7 months. It’s lovely, and I have very good financial resources so am coping, but the time when I had a small baby who slept well and was very predictable and portable was 10 percent of the work I now have with 2 toddlers who will kick off tantrums either each other.

No, I think having a further baby in your situation would be irresponsible. Focus on what you've got and think what is best for them. Also, no, most parents are not having weekly overnight breaks for 'date night', your children are being incredibly kind to help you so much and frankly I'd suggest you are somewhat taking advantage of them.

You didn't answer the question about whether you actually want another baby.

That's quite telling.

You also need to consider that the law is changing, and if / when you split your boyfriend will be entitled to a financial settlement from the value of your home as a live in parent.

Interesting, why is this?

I can understand if he’s a SAHP but he’s not. Why would he be entitled to some of the value of her home just because he’s a live in parent?

I know sometimes people can claim on the basis of rent/mortgage contributions but interested to find out why merely having a child and living with someone entitles you to this.

Is it basically recognising the living situation as a marriage like I heard they do in Australia?

Yeah not at that age!

It would be different if her child was a bit older at least but insisting on weekly date nights especially at the expense of your older children’s time is unusual when your baby is 4 months.

You are suggesting it’s necessary to maintain the relationship. But when your baby is that young you and your partner should be able to maintain the relationship - if it has any substance - without date nights for a period of time.

My friend and his wife had their 2 kids during the pandemic, living away from both families with no close friends around . They had zero babysitters for the first 2 years and even after the pandemic they only get babysitters a few times a year when their family visit from abroad.

5 years later from having their first child they are still deeply in love and working great as parents and as partners!

I can't believe you are even asking this.

Ask ANY adult who was an older child how they felt about being chief babysitter for their younger siblings when they were a teenager!

See how many of them say that they loved it.

Seriously?!

!

As if she's going to pay them! 😂

I wouldn’t be surprised if the boyfriend was the eldest kids friend first from what she’s said about them being in the same football team!

Absolutely this!

As a teen I babysat 2-5 year olds sporadically. I would not have been comfortable being responsible for a 4 month old baby on a weekly basis! And no other teen I know was asked to look after literal newborns on a regular basis.

From her additional posts sounds like this baby was a whoopsie baby

Absolutely not. Strange to even have one with a man that young aswell.

I would wait and see how much he pulls his weight after you return to work after maternity leave before deciding. Might it be appropriate for him to be the one to go part time if you decide together that it would be better not to use full time childcare? Although you are quite capable of flying solo, the world doesn't need the genes of useless wastes-of-oxygen to be propogated so don't conceive #4 until you are sure he's got what it takes and wouldn't leave it all to you.

Is it right that your current boyfriend (telling language don’t you think) is about 25 or and your eldest is 18?

Pretty odd set up. All of it.