To say yes to another baby

[confusedeffie]

I’m early 40s with 3 children. My 2 eldest are nearly adults and are from a previous relationship. I also have a 4 month old with my current boyfriend. I’m 16 years older than him and I was unsure if we would be compatible long term and so deciding to have a baby with him was difficult. I was worried that the novelty would wear off. Things have been really good and we are contemplating trying for another as we don’t want my 4 month old growing up as an only child. My boyfriend feels more strongly than I do as he is desperate to have another of his own. He is a good dad and we work well as a family unit but because we have the 2 older children there is lots of help on hand. Both of my eldest children will be at uni and then off into the world in the next year and I’m worried how I will cope without them. Remind me of the realities of having 2 under 2 in your forties.

Absolutely not.

Do you want another baby or is it just to please your boyfriend do you worry he’ll leave you if you don’t agree to have another baby? Is it an attempt to minimise the reality of a large age gap, I.e show you’re not too old?
Weekly date nights when you have a tiny baby, concerned about getting your figure back, worrying about how you would cope with 2 without your older childrens support all seem to point to an insecurity in your relationship.

What happens if he wants a 3rd OP? You can only keep up with the significantly younger guy for so long. Having another so soon would be a bad idea, the toll on your body having pregnancies so close together in your 40s would be bigger. You’ve been incredibly lucky in life to have 3 kids, it’s daft to
push your look and your body to keep the younger guy happy. Baby hasn’t even hit the sleep regression yet or mostly any of the hard parenting stages and you’ve lived with the guy for a year so the novelty still may ‘wear off’.

The baby might have disabilities, which seems to be a lot more common now.

I wouldn't but your choice.

Wow , no way . Much too big of an age gap .

Her oldest is already in university so probably about 20-21

will be at uni, she says.

It would be a hard no for me.

You are rushing - if there is one thing that you should never rush that would be having a baby.

I don't really get the hate about the older DC babysitting, assuming they're ok with it, and I don't think it suggests you won't cope without them. In fact you seem to be coping pretty well in a quite unusual family set up - that is a big age gap and it might present problems down the line. In your situation I'd quit whilst I was ahead and wouldn't contemplate another.

I also can't help think that if you're 40 with both a 20 year old and a baby that's an awful lot of your adult life with the responsibility of caring for children hanging over you. Don't you want to do other things? Have some freedom at some point?

I just want to say your set up sounds lovely and it seems like you have done a great job on your older kids. One caution is that you have no idea if the baby might have any additional needs and if you have another child there is also a chance they could have additional needs. This could have a big impact on your relationship.

No. Read OPs other comments.

Her eldest is already in university but lives at home and her youngest will be going next year.

So eldest is anywhere from 18+ then

OP not sure why people are being so nasty on this thread. Your older children sound great and you’re hardly sending them up chimneys! However, I would think carefully about another. I had two with my first DH and then got remarried. We had one together and considered a second but ultimately didn’t go for it. I was younger than you but now I am glad we didn’t. Financially, emotionally and physically it would have been too much.

If you feel like you and your partner are going to struggle when you lose the help from your older children, then obviously no don’t have another baby.

Do you mean that you're considering TTC now when you have a 4 month old? Oof, no thank you, not for me.

I'm in my early 40s and our 3 children are teens/adults and I couldn't imagine going back to those baby days when we're experiencing the freedom that comes without very young children but also getting to enjoy the fun things with our older children.

Appreciate you've already dived into that with your 4 month old but even when I was in my 20s with a baby, I couldn't have chosen to try for another that could potentially give only just over a year's age gap. At 4 months just one baby was quite enough with breastfeeding and all the other care and developmental support that tiny human needs.

Having twins or 2 under 2 sounds so incredibly hard. It sounds like your youngest has been a dreamy easy baby but what if another baby isn't? What if your current youngest sleep regresses or is a really challenging 3 year old?

It's not impossible, many have done it, but would I choose it? For my own mental health, emotional and physical well being it would be a strong nope.

Let your body (and mind) fully heal post birth.

It sounds like your guy is a good dad and a good step dad. But that's not enough to rush into anything. I understand the time pressures of TTC at our age but I also think it's OK to enjoy the children you already have. If another child comes along, fine but I would have struggled massively with such a small age gap. You're looking at double buggies, two big car seats, two in nappies, double nursery fees (although it sounds like you're wealthy enough that any of the financial pressures of parenthood aren't an issue).

Describing your partner as "my current boyfriend" should be reason enough not to have another child with him.

Your 2 eldest are not and should not be used as unpaid childcare. They shouldn't have to put any of their life on hold to manage your life choices.

You really need to look into the future. When your boyfriend is 50 you'll be 66. It's a big difference in life stage. You'll be retiring and he will have another 17 years of work ahead of him.

You also have perimenopause to look forward to. Mine started at 46 and I cannot imagine going through what I went through with 2 very young children. I cannot emphasise enough the huge change both physically and emotionally that feels impossible before you go through it. Obviously not all women have a bad time, but it's a risk.

As long as you can support all these children financially though then all well and good.

I'm your age and childfree. I can't imagine wanting to date such a young man close to your kids age, or wanting to parent kids under 18 over four decades.
Choose whatever makes life easiest, peaceful and bear in mind perimenopause with a toddler and the bigger kids with bigger problems. Do you think the current boyfriend will stick around?

Also, creating another person just to potentially be a playmate for a few years to your baby and appease the young boyfriend is not a great idea.

Totally agree re perimenopause. I do have pre existing health conditions but even so I wasn't prepared for how awful peri would make me feel. It started at around age 46. I certainly wouldn't entertain having two young children while going through peri.

Not so much with the baby as they are still young but they do have them once a week for date night.

Not much???
Thats loads for a child thats not theirs

Parentifying your older kids to help you and your 20 something bf raise a new family is not a healthy family situation. Plus, they won't be around much longer to "help".

You're high risk in pregnancy due to advanced maternal age. You need to look at the risks of having another and recommended spacing between pregnancies.

Are you doing this to please your young bf? If you have a child with medical needs, do you think he'll stick around?

Do you have a job that supports you and your children and stable housing outside your bf? Are you helping support him?

I think you need to post on a board where there are mums over 40 OP. Those of us who have had children in our 40s are very happy to have young children in our lives as we ‘wither and die’ (according to the MN posters).

I know a woman who had 4 DC with her second DH in her 40’s - she already had 4 DC with DH1. Her children are all grown up now and she still looks amazing and is still married to her much younger DH2!!!

What on earth is going on with the replies to this thread??? Totally bizarre. Surely it's completely fine for adult siblings to look after a baby a few hours a week to give the parents a break? What am I missing here?
Not sure if it's jealousy or something else strange going on OP but ignore!