To say yes to another baby

[confusedeffie]

I’m early 40s with 3 children. My 2 eldest are nearly adults and are from a previous relationship. I also have a 4 month old with my current boyfriend. I’m 16 years older than him and I was unsure if we would be compatible long term and so deciding to have a baby with him was difficult. I was worried that the novelty would wear off. Things have been really good and we are contemplating trying for another as we don’t want my 4 month old growing up as an only child. My boyfriend feels more strongly than I do as he is desperate to have another of his own. He is a good dad and we work well as a family unit but because we have the 2 older children there is lots of help on hand. Both of my eldest children will be at uni and then off into the world in the next year and I’m worried how I will cope without them. Remind me of the realities of having 2 under 2 in your forties.

How much are the older kids doing?

Don't do it!

i think having more when you rely so heavily on your older ones would be mad. (And, gently, would it be fair on them?)

Would you be able to cope if the next baby has special needs?
Also these days, kids boomerang back after university and need support way after 18.

Don’t have a baby just to fill your empty nest.

What will your finances be whilst helping with uni costs

Your older DC should not be substitute parents

Not so much with the baby as they are still young but they do have them once a week for date night. However, they do their fair share around the house. We take it in turns to cook, laundry, chores, get groceries. It’s been such a different experience to the first time around when I had 2 little ones and a man child whilst doing everything around the house.

it all seems very fast! What’s your living situation, do you own a property? Are you depending on your boyfriend financially? Are you going back to work? Be very careful relaying on a partner financially unmarried.

I worry about how much your older kids are doing and how things will be when they’ve moved out. How are you going to support them financially? Do they get enough 1:1 time with you without your boyfriend and baby?

Yes faster than I would have liked but I’m fully aware that conceiving in your 40s is more difficult and ideally I would want them close in age. I own the property. Boyfriend moved in when I found out I was pregnant. We work in the same industry but he is in a more junior role but he has also started his own business which is going well. I will go back to work but maternity pay is good and I have savings. I am not reliant on him financially. I am not worried so much about that. I essentially raised the eldest two with very little help from their dad. If this relationship goes to pot, I wouldn’t be worried financially.

Bloody Nora your older kids look after your 4 month one night a week for date night?! Not cool IMO

My eldest is already at uni but lives at home. When he graduates, he will be most likely required to move to the city. Youngest goes to uni next year - no idea where yet. Financially we are fine. I more worried about the toll of two little ones in my 40s without the support. We spend lots of time together as a family. We eat together, watch TV, play board games together most nights. In regards to 1:1 time we don’t really get any without the baby but I’m not sure it’s needed. They both get on really well with my boyfriend and they would prefer 1:1 with him. They go to the football and gym together and my boyfriend and eldest play on the same football team. Even without the baby I’m not sure we’d really spend anymore time together. They have their own lives.

Can you explain why? Genuinely intrigued

You can't rely on your oldest children then having new babies. It's your responsibility.

You sound like you don’t actually want another and are only considering because of your partner.

If you do genuinely want one then I can’t see why not, considering you already have a young baby (if you didn’t I’d say absolutely not).

Obviously it’s going to be hard for the next 4 years but once they’re both weaned, potty trained and sleeping through the night then things will get much easier.
I wouldn’t wait too long TTC as although hard, they say it’s better to get the younger years out of the way at the same time.

Currently your baby is at the easiest stage it will ever be and so perhaps you should wait a bit longer and then revisit it.

I’m assuming your DP is a 50/50 parent and so night feeds and cooking etc are all shared.

If your DP was to leave, how would you feel as a single parent?

Bringing a whole other human being into the world just to function as a playmate for your current one and so your partner can have leave another 'biological' mark is the most insane thing I've ever heard. Don't do it.

Are you for real considering ttc when you have an actual 4 month old baby ?!! Baffling. And I love babies. I’d wait a year or two and see how things go. Apart from the stress and burden on yourself, medically speaking the RCOG recommends minimum 12-18m from birth to conception of next pregnancy to minimise the risk of adverse maternal and neonatal outcomes.

I absolutely agree!
clearly worried you’re live in babysitters will go off to uni and you can’t have a “date night” is how this is coming across
how utterly selfish

Well it sounds like you might be struggling with your 4m old alreadt if you are relying so heavily on your older children...

So no, don't do it.

Do you actually want another, as in you yourself, not just to appease your partner?

I agree!

I didn’t realise about the 12-18 month thing so thank you for highlighting this. I thought the quicker I started trying the better as I know it can be harder to conceive. I also think the older I am the harder it will be to get my body back into shape.

Yeah this whole thread has me open mouthed.

I hate how easily men can just say they went a baby and women go along with it knowing the toll it will take on them.

The fact the Op didn’t realise about needing to wait to start ttc is bonkers as well as the fact they feel they rely on the older kids for a date night while their baby is 4 months but still think having another kid is a good idea.

You can’t wait a year or two when you’re in your 40’s, ridiculous!

I wouldn’t say struggling at all - quite the opposite. The baby is a joy. My eldest children are happy to help and I think maintaining my relationship is important. I think because things are so perfect I’m worried another one could change that along with the possibility that the eldest two won’t be around as much. I would still seek alone time together with my boyfriend. My eldest children have been raise to be considerate and respectful. It reminds of when they were younger and by colleagues being aghast that they were on the rota for cooking and cleaning from around 9 and 10 years old. My eldest were helpful and supportive before the baby not because of it.

What with the teens doing you a “date night” you’re soon to loose with them going to uni and now concerns about “getting your body back into shape”

ffs this just gets worse!