To think it’s obvious which children don’t attend nursery?

[Omgshesaidthat]

I met up with a group of mum friends yesterday and it just got me thinking how to me it’s so obvious when a child doesn’t go to nursery.

From the group, only one mum didn’t go back to work after her maternity leave - at the time I felt quite envious but seeing her boy compared to the rest of the group now they are all 2 has made me think that I’m not actually so sure that being at home is such a good thing.

For example he’s not potty trained yet whereas the rest of the group are well on their way or totally dry and his speech is nowhere near as good as the others - even with things like numbers & alphabet, DD is parroting it all back to me whereas this little boy isn’t yet.

We did an organised activity and all the other children in the group sat nicely & listened and then participated whereas my friend’s boy just did his own thing the whole time.

My friend is a good mum and she does take him to playgroup and sets up little activities for him at home so it’s not like he’s just sat doing nothing all day. But it just felt quite apparent that you can’t recreate that nursery setting at home and the impact of children being in that environment and surrounded by other children is huge for their development.

My son was almost 3 before he potty trained, because that's when he was ready. It took him a day and he never had accidents. OP how many accidents did your child have at 2? Because that's not potty trained that's leaving the nappy of and dealing with the accidents.

My son has been going to nursery full-time since the age of 1 and it was me who taught him colours, letters, shapes, numbers, counting objects by the age of 3. His key person was always telling me how much he knows compared to other kids. It depends on the parent how they choose to spend the time they're at home with their child, someone who doesn't go to nursery is not automatically barred from gaining knowledge

My son didn't go to nursery- just a couple of mornings at playgroup style setting.
What he could do was swim a length of the pool by age 3, could talk the hind leg off a donkey, and was toilet trained day and night by about 2 and a half.

I was talking to a friend, only yesterday, who has been a reception teacher for over 25 years and she is sad to see that the number of children who need 'basic parenting' now - coats, toileting, cant speak in sentences, recognise their name , understand more than one instruction 'get jumper, coat and bag' has increased steadily over the years. She thinks many parenting skills have gone out of the window! That parents rely too much on nursery during the week then aren't able to set boundaries when its their 'turn' to look after their own children.
Interesting take I think.

Sorry but this is really grating on me tbh. My son went to nursery from just over a year old.

He was potty trained before 2 but we did that whilst he was off nursery for a week and they were actually a bit reluctant to keep it up there until he moved up a room, so nursery had nothing to do with it.

He had a stammer and delayed speech, plus extreme separation anxiety that almost led us to taking him out of early childcare completely until we found a Sen friendly pre school when he was 3.

He was diagnosed with autism at 6.

You say you're not being smug or judging this TWO YEAR OLDS mother, but it is absolutely radiating off you.

Children benefit from a bit of nursery before they start school so that they can learn to be in a group setting, but I am skeptical that it is best for very young children.

You have a sample of one. You also don’t know that the mother didn’t stay home because her child has a personality or development needs that were best suited to being at home. Good parents don’t make these decisions without considering their individual children.

You are coming to that conclusion based on one child's abilities. Come on, you must realise how silly that is. And you are able to google and find real studies on this. Surely that is worth more than a load of anecdotes?

As for the science it shows it is the quality of the care and environment. There are benefits to each. And how do you know that your "friends" child would be more advanced if he were at nursery?

I did have a "friend" like you when my baby was born. Its horrible to feel judged based on your child's achievements. She would focus on the things my child couldn't do. When in reality they probably averaged out it a similar point.

OP your sample size is simply too small to draw such a conclusion.

My kids are at university now and you absolutely cannot tell from their friends, who went to nursery, who had a childminder and who had to stay at home p. It is completely irrelevant. Your OP is very naive and I suspect you will cringe at yourself if you remember it a few years hence!

Neither of mine went until they were 3. They are in their twenties now. Both completely different. One would have sat nicely one would have been running around.
Both my nephews went to nursery at about 10 months. They are both completely different too!
Wait until you have another that’s wild!

Ha! These posts make me smile. Having had twins and a singleton it's absolutely a no brainer that making judgements at this age is incredibly naive.

Wait until they are well past school and you'll quickly find that even the brightest and most promising children now lead pretty average lives in average careers. Please don't be that judgemental parent. It will come back to bite you.

It is an interesting take. I think over 90% of children attend some sort of childcare setting before starting school. So I am then surprised when the school readiness topic comes up. You would think with so many children getting that soft launch into education that they would be more prepared than previous generations.

Indeed, the ones who have had one to one loving care from an engaged parent are probably much better adjusted in the long term than those put into nursery so both parents can work (or have to work). Axiomatic, really.

Haven't rtft yet but I work in a nursery/ preschool and take children from 3 or a bit younger it toilet trained. We can tell within about 10 seconds if they have been in a childcare setting before. The main difference is independence/ self care skills. Most parents seriously underestimate their child's physical abilities or problem solving skills. They tend to do things for their kids that they could do themselves whereas in nursery it's encouraged and praised to be self sufficient. For example the majority of kids not in nursery will throw their coat on the floor, walk over something they dropped and not pick it up and expect help washing hands or putting on coats. Within 2 or 3 weeks all children do these jobs independently, they open and close lunch boxes, they go get a drink from their bottle when thirsty instead of telling us that they are thirsty, they wipe their bums flush the toilet, wash and dry their hands, tidy toys away and wipe up a spillage if they make it. The only kids who isn't do these things at 3 are those that might have additional needs. Yet Most parents of 3 yr olds wouldn't believe their kids can do all this stuff and do it for them. Plus many other examples. Personally I haven't seen a general pattern of better or worse behaviour with either group.

Sorry for typos, I can no longer edit on MN for some reason

I'm all for nurseries but you're talking about one child and only a 2 year old at that.

DS is almost 4 and he was the same as your DC at 2.

I also have 2 year old twin DD's. One of them is similar to DS, the other one is feral and she never sits still and we're working on 'listening nicely' too.

All in nursery full time since babies. It's easy to be smug when you only have one.

In what way are children who don't go to nursery developmentally harmed or held back? What was the sacrifice? I was working but my child spent time with their grandparents or parents, and attended plenty of playgroups.

It's the either or mindset that really is tiresome and constantly sets mothers against eachother. Maybe some children do better in a nursery setting, maybe some children do better in a home environment.

There is a high proportion of sahm on here so your post will not go down well

factually you can google and yes children who attend nursery hit their milestones faster than those who don’t, they learn and advance quicker, and socialise better,

logically that would always be the case, very few stay at home parents spend all day playing with their kids, doing learning activies and socialisation, and of course they don’t have the constant presence of peers to learn from.

it doesn’t mean many sahm are not great just simply they often do other things, be it cleaning rhe house, shopping, laundry, doom scrolling or watching tv.

And yet, with more pre school children in childcare settings than ever, teachers are reporting that increasing numbers of children are starting school in nappies, unable to do simple tasks like zip up a coat, unable to follow simple tasks, incapable of regulating behaviour and a broad decline in school readiness compared with previous generations.

As I’ve said, every child and every family is different. Some will thrive better at home, some will thrive better in a nursery setting. To say that nursery is better for every child’s development is nonsense though. If that were true, with increasing numbers of children in childcare, we’d expect to see improved levels of development at school age, but we are not. We are seeing the opposite.

I say that as someone whose children went to a nursery before school age.

What an utterly judgemental cow you are OP.

Why on earth would 2 year olds need to know the alphabet?

My kids, were little in the 90s and didn't go to nursery until they were 3.5 and then only for 3 hours a day. They benefitted greatly from having one to one time with an engaged SAHM. Both were toilet trained by 2 and by 4 the older one could do 500 piece jigsaws and had taught herself to read. They could also both swim aged 3. They also knew how to play nicely with other children.

So you can frankly stick your judgement up your arse. I sacrificed a lot so I could be a SAHM until my kids, started school and they absolutely did not suffer because of it

Reading this makes me feel very sad for your friend and her ds. I hope that she is not on this forum and reading this.
There are lots of differences that may be at work here other than just going to nursery. For a start your child is a girl and hers is a boy.
If you do some research into normal behaviour for 2 year olds, there is a lot of difference in the way children develop. Her ds may be ahead in some development stages (perhaps ones involving physical skills), but you have cherry picked the ones where your child is ahead!

Both of mine went to nursery one was like your friends boy and the other was very chatty and forward. Yabu.

Smug alert OP!
I’m 55, never went to nursery, only play group a couple of mornings a week. I could read before starting school and was most certainly toilet trained.

You can’t make comparisons like that. Particularly as your case study is so small!

Well said! 👏

My one year old hasn’t been to nursery yet because my partner and I work different shifts. I have no issue with nursery and I do think she misses out on some of the activities that I don’t have the time to set up at home. I don’t send her because it’s not worth it financially.

However, she is more advanced linguistically than her cousin (year older) who goes to nursery. I think some kids pick stuff up quickly in the toddler phase and then it all evens out by the time the get to school. I’m not sure your sample of 1 non-nursery child and a few nursery attendees is representative.

He's only 2! Both mine went/go to nursery and my oldest was exactly like yours but my youngest has been since 7 months old and is now 3.5... she will sometimes sit and listen at organised activities but other times she's not interested and will be up and down trying to do her own thing. Not going to nursery may be a factor and I think them going to at least pre school before starting school is important to help them prepare for the structure of school but at 2 I think it's unfair to make such assumptions about him and her parenting.

Agree with this. Mother natire benefits children staying home at that age