To think it’s obvious which children don’t attend nursery?

[Omgshesaidthat]

I met up with a group of mum friends yesterday and it just got me thinking how to me it’s so obvious when a child doesn’t go to nursery.

From the group, only one mum didn’t go back to work after her maternity leave - at the time I felt quite envious but seeing her boy compared to the rest of the group now they are all 2 has made me think that I’m not actually so sure that being at home is such a good thing.

For example he’s not potty trained yet whereas the rest of the group are well on their way or totally dry and his speech is nowhere near as good as the others - even with things like numbers & alphabet, DD is parroting it all back to me whereas this little boy isn’t yet.

We did an organised activity and all the other children in the group sat nicely & listened and then participated whereas my friend’s boy just did his own thing the whole time.

My friend is a good mum and she does take him to playgroup and sets up little activities for him at home so it’s not like he’s just sat doing nothing all day. But it just felt quite apparent that you can’t recreate that nursery setting at home and the impact of children being in that environment and surrounded by other children is huge for their development.

Knowing the 'alphabet' at 2 seems like a redundant skill to me.

Of course if they have been to nursery they will have more experience of sitting in a group, being around other children etc.

But just because you might notice a difference in these things, doesn't meant that difference is particularly important.

Does it really matter if a 2 year old has learned to parrot the alphabet or farm animal noises? By the time they are 10 it will not matter.

I say this as someone whose toddler is happily at nursery by the way - I think it's been very good for him so far - but I also think there are benefits to being at home if that's what parents choose.

As long as children this age have people around them who support and are interested in their development, they will be absolutely fine whether or not they are at nursery.

I don't know. We kept ours home till 3. Just because it suited us, not for any special reason. He's 18 now, seems fine. Once they get consistent love and attention in a stable environment during those important years, I think they'll all be fine no matter what, and it'll be difficult to differentiate who did what by 18.

You sound very much like you’re trying to convince yourself that your decision was better than another mother’s.

Every child and every family is different. You are looking at a very small sample size, and it’s well known that it’s not unusual for boys to talk later than girls anyway.

Why do so many mothers feel the need to criticise other parents’ decisions? If you are secure and confident in your decision, you wouldn’t be doing this.

Ive never met someone over 18 and thought "goodness, they obviously didnt go to preschool." So in the end, I don't think it makes the slightest difference.

Exactly this.

If they learn the alphabet when they are 2 or when they are 5, it does not matter.

What matters is a loving and supportive environment whether that's home or nursery or a mix.

I’m not being smug, it was just an observation. I’d never share it with my friend as wouldn’t want to upset her but her son was still like a baby really compared to the others.
Thats because he IS a baby !

“My friend is a good mum … but”. Your friend is so lucky to have such a loyal friend in you 🙄

Yes, this ^ If you don't feel love, no amount of academic success will help that one. The friend in question sounds like such a loving and good mother, who doesn't judge others.

My daughter was at home until 3 with either me or our nanny. She was toilet trained before her 2nd birthday, and she was speaking fluently at 2. We did play dates and baby groups.

When she finally started nursery (just 3 hours in the morning) aged 3 she settled in very easily.

So YABU.

@Saddaughter999

How do you know this information??

Haha. So true.

It’s better for under 3 year old to be at home with mum or primary carer, but sure whatever eases your guilt.

I was right 100%.

Yes absolutely this. I think it's easy for a new mum to feel like relatively little things are big things, but they're really not. It's best not to expend too much energy on comparisons or on feeling guilty for things that are beyond our control.

My experience has been the exact reverse on potty training, language and social skills

Yabu for generalising from a sample size of 1!!

All 3 of mine went to nursery and all developed at their own rate!

It takes me back to when my eldest (now 27) was at toddler group.
All the questions I got, "Is he still not talking? Tommy's been saying 3 syllable words and talking in sentences for months now. Is the Health Visitor concerned?".
I remember the anxiety it would cause. I would never dream of comparing one toddler to another. I know OP hasn't said anything out loud to the mum she just posted her opinion of this woman's son on a public forum, but it still feels wrong to compare (regardless of whether they attend nursery or not).

But then maybe I am hyper sensitive now 25 years later her "Tommy" is a grown man with a high flying career, his own home, a relationship and a baby on the way, while my beautiful boy never did say his first word. 💔

My eldest went to nursery from 17 months, by the time he was nearly 5 he was still having accidents. Some people did assume he hadn't been to nursery as he was very quite / shy / reluctant to engage with them. It's just his personality. He's the same at 10. I've said this before on here but ds2 potty trained himself during Covid while I was working at home. He was just turned 2 and reliably dry. Nursery were shocked when I took him back with pants on after lockdown. I can't remember academically where they were at tbh. You simply can't assume that the child is how they are because they haven't been to nursery though.

Being in nursery does wonders for a child's development. Nursery nurses know it, teachers know it and studies show it. But women who have kept themselves and their children home will bite your head off for questioning their sacrifice.

My nearly 4 year old has been to nursery since he was little. He spent the entire day today insisting he's a gorilla and ignoring the majority of activities I tried to engage him with in favour of running around beating his chest. Oh and he is waiting to see a speech therapist because his language is unclear 🤷‍♀️. Kiddo was a nightmare to potty train too.

I love him beyond words but I don't think he's an advertisement for nursery producing children like you describe. Oddly, his brother who attended nursery very minimally before school due to SEN behaved far more like the nursery children in your friendship group. Maybe your tiny, anecdotal (and judgey) study just shows that all children are different?

I feel really sorry for your friend. She met up with you, presumably because she likes you, and you're pulling apart her parenting choices online.

How

Yes, you are being very judgemental about this little boy of only 2! Mine was only saying a handful of single words at 2, never sat down for story time, was very behind his peers in some of his developmental milestones but he had been going to preschool full time since 9 months old. However, we’ve just had his first parents evening in reception and he’s a delight, exceeding expectations, made friends and loves school. They really all develop at different rates and boys and girls (in my experience) are really quite different at that age.

Having worked in early year's I know how much of the routine is about managing groups of children with limited staff so although I get why nursery's try and get two-year-olds to sit quietly and follow instructions, this behaviour for more than a few minutes is not actually developmentally appropriate at this age. The little boy doing his own thing sounds reassuringly like a perfectly normal, healthy two-year-old to me.

OP hasn't come back, have they? It reads like an underhand attempt at advertisement from a large nursery chain or something rather than a real story...