Woman living in my head rent free

[golosh]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I would like some advice on how to stop feeling like this/ being this person.
My husbands best friend (who is lovely) married someone who I just don’t like very much. They have a six year old.
The wife, although well meaning, is just really hard work. She has:
Made racist comments not knowing I have mixed heritage
Says social sciences are beneath her (she’s a lecturer in history, I teach social sciences, she didn’t know)
Claims breastfeeding is disgusting (so I had to breastfeed my baby in private)
She once spoke loudly about a young woman in a hijab, who was within earshot, about how ‘they are all oppressed’ (We stopped her, because how uncomfortable for the woman. And excruciating for us.)

Lots of other things, I presumed they come from a place of insecurity and as a result I haven’t said anything to her. A lot of negative comments about my parenting/ parenting she’s observed by people not as good as her at parenting.

She and her husband have not been able to conceive a second child. And have just finished their first round of IVF. It was successful.

Here is the aibu:
I cannot bring myself to feel happy for her. I said my congratulations, and acted happy, but inside I’m seething - constantly. What on earth is this? jealousy? I just didn’t want anything nice to happen to her, and I’m finding myself arguing with her in my head all the time, most probably because I never addressed all those comments there and then. I feel shitty about it, but it’s kind of consuming me.

Anyway how do I get past this, please help. I don’t want confrontation.

Personally I do not want to see someone breastfeeding when I m socialising
I tend to agree with her
She has an opinion
I think if a woman is told what to wear and she must cover that is being repressed -
The Quran cheerfully says a wife must obey a husband
A husband is allowed to hit his wife
A wife must ask permission to leave to home or invite people in
Must not have any male friends
I would call that repressed personally -if you think not that is fine
I do not think having an opinion is racist
I have read the Quran have you ?
Having read it I certainly believe that muslim women are repressed
Telling people what they are allowed to think and say is what happens in China and indeed the Islamic Middle East and North Korea
It is what happened in Nazi Germany

Why don’t you want to see someone breastfeeding?
Hijab - I mean that’s your opinion and you’re allowed to have it, but if you say it to a muslim woman on the bus it’s fairly aggressive.

I just cannot imagine hosting such a person, much less going to stay with them.
I just don't care about maintaining relationships with people like that.
I would tell your husband that you will not see them again.
What HE does is up to him.

25 years ago my friend married a rude twat.
One evening spent in their company and my husband said that I should see her going forward on my own, as he would not be socialising with them again.
He futher said, after a busy week at work he resented having wasted his Saturday in the company of such a twat. He's a bit precious about his time🙄, but I got it. We never socialised with them again.

Given that you have later added you see them once or twice a year and that they are French YABU as you don't have to see them at all.

Nobody is talking about women being told what to wear.

I would not have her staying in my house tbh.

I don't say it but I think it and so should you as a woman if you are a woman.
It's awful to see women having to bow down to men and cover their bodies while the men do what they like
So backwards and oppressive and looks so bloody awful.

I agree with this @golosh

I wouldn't let this racist woman stay in my house again.

No as a woman I don’t believe in showing condescending and paternalistic comments to other women because they choose different attire to me.

But you do you.

She says racist things to you and you say nothing? If you are white passing why not use your white privileged to stand up against racism?

The amount of white or white passing people who let racism go because it’s uncomfortable shocks me.

I wouldn’t want to be around any of you if racism isn’t a deal breaker.

Sounds like you'll have to either challenge her or stay out of her way, you won't get anywhere having imaginary arguments in your head. You can't change her, so just let her be herself.

How difficult is it to come up with “that’s rude and unnecessary” or “you’re out of order” or “I’m not sitting listening to this shit” and get up and leave? It doesn’t need quick thinking. People always want to make excuses why they don’t call out rude behaviour, but really it’s because they just don’t want to make a fuss.

Because women not in religious attire are always treated so well by “our own” never have to bow down to them or be controlled or abused by them. Or do you only decide to think this based on clothing people wear and your judgement of it?

People make choices shaped by familial/societal/cultural norms all the time. This is particularly true of women and sometimes those choices go against their best interest. To pretend this is an exclusively Muslim problem is ridiculous.

There's a difference between not ogling, and actively turning away. One is polite, the other is rude.

Practice saying in French to keep her twatty opinions to herself .

You probably wouldn’t have these thoughts repetitively circling in your head if you talked through your feelings and insights with a sympathetic husband, and you decided jointly how to respond… is there any reason why you aren’t doing that?

When someone says something that startles you, or that you feel is not well meant, you can reply ‘So, what?’, and keep replying this to every statement they make to justify themselves until they run out of steam. I had someone do this to me and it really works! Plus, it’s easy to remember!

It doesn’t take any kind of quick thinking to say ‘That’s racist’. Or ‘Zip it about breastfeeding, Angela.’

It's not you, it's her. She souhnds insufferable.

Because it’s not as easy as that! So here is an example: I put on ‘Gracie’s corner’, the phonics song. It’s phonics and numbers set to music. The music is rap/ hip hop.

“This video will completely spoil my child!”
“This video is not educational at all!”
Makes gang signs to mock dance to rap.

I wince, and say “No, it’s phonics set to music and that’s always a good way to make kids learn”

She then doubles down on the
“There’s nothing educational about this whatsoever, I wouldn’t show this stuff to my child”.

Video ends and conversation moves on.

Of this, I didn’t address the cultural/ racism. The mock gang signs and the idea that rap is going to spoil her child. I wish I had said “but it’s the letters of the alphabet and the numbers 1-100, what’s uneducational about it?” which forces them to talk about the type of music. Or just “I find that quite racist actually” - then we have to enter into an argument. Or as a pp said “What do you mean by that?” or something similar.

😂😂😂

I think I would have said “You’re a bit of a Cnut.”, honestly she is awful, I couldn’t tolerate being in her company. Shes not bothered about constantly offending you (literally on purpose, she clearly doesn’t like you), why are you pandering to her? Speak up to this rude woman, get her out of your life.

She is just objectionable about most things? Do you ever have a good chat or a laugh?