Woman living in my head rent free

[golosh]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I would like some advice on how to stop feeling like this/ being this person.
My husbands best friend (who is lovely) married someone who I just don’t like very much. They have a six year old.
The wife, although well meaning, is just really hard work. She has:
Made racist comments not knowing I have mixed heritage
Says social sciences are beneath her (she’s a lecturer in history, I teach social sciences, she didn’t know)
Claims breastfeeding is disgusting (so I had to breastfeed my baby in private)
She once spoke loudly about a young woman in a hijab, who was within earshot, about how ‘they are all oppressed’ (We stopped her, because how uncomfortable for the woman. And excruciating for us.)

Lots of other things, I presumed they come from a place of insecurity and as a result I haven’t said anything to her. A lot of negative comments about my parenting/ parenting she’s observed by people not as good as her at parenting.

She and her husband have not been able to conceive a second child. And have just finished their first round of IVF. It was successful.

Here is the aibu:
I cannot bring myself to feel happy for her. I said my congratulations, and acted happy, but inside I’m seething - constantly. What on earth is this? jealousy? I just didn’t want anything nice to happen to her, and I’m finding myself arguing with her in my head all the time, most probably because I never addressed all those comments there and then. I feel shitty about it, but it’s kind of consuming me.

Anyway how do I get past this, please help. I don’t want confrontation.

Breastfeeding cannot ever be described as disgusting it’s absolutely normal. There would be zero mammals on this planet if it didn’t exist! This woman needs to learn this & to stop being a bully.

She's a racist. Avoid her. Your reactions are normal, especially if you have a mixed heritage. Tbh, I'd be questioning your husband's choice in friends. Especially after the "they are all oppressed" incident.

She sounds awful.
The racist remarks in front of me would have been enough to end the friendship and stop associating.
Id be saying ‘that’s very spiteful’/ ‘stop making racist comments’ every single time.
If you don’t have the confidence to do that to her face then just ditch them.

You’re not married to her. Just be polite at family occasions, and other than that, don’t meet her.

Not really your problem. 🤷‍♀️

You might give her less head space by being more straightforward.
'I am going to feed my baby now, I know you don't like this so would you go and put the kettle on?'
'Oh really, I teach social sciences. Why are they beneath you?'
You don't have to creep around her.

You’re right in that the reason she’s in my head constantly is because I didn’t respond when I should have, in order to avoid conflict or make a situation awkward.

I breast fed in a different room because of the weirdness she had about it, I felt awkward. With my second baby I once breast fed in front of everyone and the conversation fell silent, she physically turned away. DH and I were then asked by DH’s mate why I chose to breastfeed, and how long I was planning on doing it. DH replied something casual about immunity, to which he said ‘oh it makes no difference anyway’. It felt very personal being discussed like that, so avoiding it and doing it in another room was way easier. And no doubt it would have had something to do with not being able to conceive.

It’s helpful to have a stock of phrases ready to go, so you don’t feel like you have to come up with a response in the moment.

So:

• That’s a rude thing to say.
• That sounds racist. Did you know I’m mixed race?
• I’m happy with my parenting choices.

Best if you can deliver these in a fairly calm matter of fact tone.

But really the bigger question is - why is this woman still in your life? Can your husband just see his friend without you needing to be involved? What’s his view?

I have almost exact problem! Except she’s anti “the poor” rather than racist. And is just constantly superior in every way. She doesn’t like me as I did start softly shutting her remarks down. It has been a she avoids me and I avoid her thing really. We’d be polite (well, minus her usual opinions on random things) to each other if we saw each other but we haven’t for ages now. It’s a bit difficult when you are in a situation where you are supposed to be being socially easy and suddenly you find yourself feeling as though you have to stand up against bigotry. And everyone you’re with is in a “let’s get along” mood too so they’re off guard and are more set to social lubrication mode than battle mode so if you start battling it seems like you’re the problem. That’s how people like this get away with it. But it isn’t actually your responsibility to tackle everything she says head on (as much as some people here will tell you you should’ve knocked the racism out of her on the spot). She isn’t going to change because someone politely disagrees. Nor, even, if someone engages in an out and out argument… in fact that usually makes people double down. But having people avoid her and say to her partner the reason why when he asks, potentially she might realise it’s unacceptable even if she doesn’t actually change her opinion.

as for the baby, I’ve been there too with my version of this woman! But you don’t need to be pleased for her. It is just a fact, she’s having a baby. The baby being via the ivf route doesn’t mean you have to care more either. My version still goes on about her kid like he is Jesus because she had ivf. Genuinely believes her kid is more special than mine and everyone else’s because he was “chosen” to be had by them. Well, yes, so were all of our babies. And some people have a horrid time conceiving naturally. And some people never manage it. We all are special and we all struggle in our own way.

All babies are lovely but beyond that so what? Doesn’t make you a bad person for not liking the idea of this woman raising another person to be horrible in the world. Just remember she’ll be hit with the disgusting bits of parenting and will have to change her opinions so she probably will conveniently just ‘forget’ that she thought breastfeeding was disgusting. Be prepared to be irritated.

I was going to say something similar to this - but in Christianity it's called forgiveness.
You're holding a grudge and it's damaging you, not her. You need to let go of the grudge and in future don't let things fester - tell her you disagree with her opinions when she says objectionable things. You don't have to get into an argument, just "I don't hold with that view myself", "hearing you say that makes me feel uncomfortable" or something similarly bland but directed at her view/your feelings on it (not aimed at her or you will likely end up in an argument).

From this update your dh friend also doesn't sound like a very nice guy, asking why you chose to breadtfeed etc and speaking about you like you're not there. That's just plain rude.

She sounds racist, utterly ignorant and condescending, and he is now taking up after her and speaking like an ignoramus. And both he and his wife sound quite dim, who needs to ask why a woman chose to breastfeed?! It's the most natural thing in the world.

You don't have to socialise with people like that. You must be on eggshells every time you get together. No way would I be seeing these people again.

She isn’t nice and nor is her partner as he hasn’t pulled her up on these comments.
Which suggests that he agrees with her. Ii can’t believe they made you feel uncomfortable for breast feeding your baby! A friend would not do that! I personally would take a massive step back and stop socialising with them. They are not your friends. Partner can continue to see his friend if he wants to.

It sounds to me like you’re handling it all calmly and reasonably.

I would pity someone who felt the need to espouse the views she has.

I hope you can keep your distance and maintain.

I wouldn't be having couple's events in this situation.
Is there a reason you can't tell your DH you don't want to socialise with her?
That would be much better than having to challenge her all the time, which you obviously find difficult and might affect DH's friendship. Point that out to DH.
Socialising is supposed to be enjoyable.
Try this : everytime this woman enters your thoughts, mentally pop her into a soundproof box "in you go" , and distract yourself with a task.
A bonus is that you get stuff done.

I wouldn't waste your breath arguing or thinking up clever come backs which will fall on deaf ears. Unfortunately these sorts of people can be very fixed in their ideas. I would however, let her know that you have mixed heritage at every opportunity and definitely not hide when you're breastfeeding! If she finds it disgusting she can make her excuses and leave. She sounds deeply insecure. I would try to have as little to do with them as possible

I did a social science degree a few years ago, I studied history as part of that. She is full of shite.

If she says something that directly offends you, “Do you ever think before you speak?”. The other stuff, ignore, she’s not going to change.

Just stand your ground and breastfeed in front of her as much as you like. So what if the conversation falls silent? She can go and sit in another room if she wishes. Stand your ground and you will be able to turn your resentment into pity.

'This' is what happens when you're forced into the proximity of someone objectively awful, both to you and others, and for whatever reason you have to be passive in accepting their poison. You take it in and take it in, and you can't get away from it or release it, so it stays inside and you have an unpleasant reaction yourself.
You need to tell your DH that you can't be around this woman anymore. That she is racist and tries to bring you down. It really doesn't matter that she's had fetility struggles. Many women do and it doesn't turn them into nasty racists. This is her character and pregnant or not, this is who she is.

I wouldn't be socialising with her full stop. Racist, rude and incredibly ignorant for a supposedly intelligent person. I'd also be telling her why, as she's getting away with some repugnant views.

How utterly arrogant and disgusting those people are. I’m sorry OP but it looks like you’re also seeing your DH’s friend’s true colours also. He married her after all so presumably supports or shares her views. Since the conversation about breastfeeding, hopefully your DH sees the reality of who they are as a couple too. I’d hate to be in the company of people like that and would not be able to hide my feelings. Talk to your dh and come to an agreement in which you don’t have to suffer their exhausting company any more.

Why do you describe her as well meaning?
She doesn't sound it at all - she sounds mean-spirited

If thoughts about someone are winding me up and getting under my skin, I find it helpful to get them out on paper. Either by writing down some thoughts, journalling style (feel free to be absolutely vile) or by drawing an angry and unflattering portrait of them. Really scribble out your anger.

Then destroy the paper after.

Here's a clue: she knows what she is doing.

She sounds vile and I just wouldn't see her. Tell DH to see his mates (and her, if he must) on his own. They aren't worried about upsetting you.

If you don't want confrontation then you can't be helped.