Woman living in my head rent free

[golosh]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I would like some advice on how to stop feeling like this/ being this person.
My husbands best friend (who is lovely) married someone who I just don’t like very much. They have a six year old.
The wife, although well meaning, is just really hard work. She has:
Made racist comments not knowing I have mixed heritage
Says social sciences are beneath her (she’s a lecturer in history, I teach social sciences, she didn’t know)
Claims breastfeeding is disgusting (so I had to breastfeed my baby in private)
She once spoke loudly about a young woman in a hijab, who was within earshot, about how ‘they are all oppressed’ (We stopped her, because how uncomfortable for the woman. And excruciating for us.)

Lots of other things, I presumed they come from a place of insecurity and as a result I haven’t said anything to her. A lot of negative comments about my parenting/ parenting she’s observed by people not as good as her at parenting.

She and her husband have not been able to conceive a second child. And have just finished their first round of IVF. It was successful.

Here is the aibu:
I cannot bring myself to feel happy for her. I said my congratulations, and acted happy, but inside I’m seething - constantly. What on earth is this? jealousy? I just didn’t want anything nice to happen to her, and I’m finding myself arguing with her in my head all the time, most probably because I never addressed all those comments there and then. I feel shitty about it, but it’s kind of consuming me.

Anyway how do I get past this, please help. I don’t want confrontation.

This is such a good analysis of why this scenario feels the way it does.

I am ethnically Indian. A racist is never well meaning, neither is someone who finds breast feeding disgusting. I think you are being too generous. I would be speaking to my husband and arranging to reduce contact to a minimum.

I’d keep face to face confrontation out of the way, especially as she is pregnant. Write an email now and save it until the baby is born. It would be awful if she blamed you for anything that might go wrong in the pregnancy. So write the email now, as it will give you huge satisfaction to know you will send it next time she says something spiteful. Then I would frame it’s you’re trying to help, you’re worried about her children growing up with racist values, then list every single time she’s been racist or rude. Then you could even say you think she seems unaware of it so you’re just trying to help, as a friend, by telling her as you can’t be the only person to notice it. She would lose her job if she spoke like that at work. Then you’ve listed all the awful things she’s said, but framed it as help, so she can’t claim you’re having a go at her. Write it now but send it once baby is here safely. And remember revenge is best served cold. Don’t fly off the handle in the moment, if you can help it, but as a PP said, asking her to clarify what she means in the moment will be eye opening for all.

I would have breast fed more just to annoy her

You say she turned away? Did you want her to watch what an odd thing to say and maybe her partner felt embarressed of course breastfeeding is natural but you can have a cloth to cover yourself

I dont think it's normal to somebody's IVF had failed!
Its fair enough not to like her, or her unpleasant opinions though. I wouldnt create drama as others have suggested bevause of the ramifications on her dh and your dh's relationship.
As many have suggested just quietly pull away and decline invitations. She will get the message!

This is a very clear explanation of what's going on here @golosh . thank you for explaining that beautifully @5128gap

This woman is an utterly disgusting human being with zero self awareness, both to you personally and objectively as a human being. You're reacting as any decent normal person would.

I think it’s understandable you are not feeling particularly warm or happy for her - she’s not very nice and criticises you. I think you will need to socialise only with DH’s friend or leave him to hang out with the both of them. I think she will become insufferable during her pregnancy and beyond because she has strong views about parenting, among other things. She is taking up lots of headspace and making you feel bad so it’s time to distance yourself

Tbh, I think it's normal not to want nice things to happen to racists. I hope the husband will stamp out any racism taught to their children, last thing we need is more mini-racists.

Other than that, explain to your husband that from now on, future get togethers with his best friend he can go alone. You don't have to go see her. Yes, I understand the social expectations but to be honest, she's ignoring social expectations by being a racist, judgemental and thoroughly unpleasant cow.

She sounds awful.

1 - stop spending so much time with her.

2 - stand up for yourself more.

I understand not always being able to think on your feet but you know she questions your parenting, has an issue with BF, is racist etc - so you can have some comebacks ready for when she says these things.

She is obviously insecure and unhappy but that doesn’t mean she gets to get away either being a twat and being incredibly rude to your face.

My pregnant friend said BF was disgusting. I immediately asked her why and she said it was too sexual and having a baby sucking on your nipples is wrong.
I lost my shit and asked her why she’s sexualising a baby and how she’s going to cope changing nappies or bathing her baby if this in the way her mind works.

There are plenty of people I hope never get to reproduce.

The child is way more important than the parent.

I would not tolerate someone like this.
I wonder why there are so lovely non-racist people on Mumsnet who have a friend or relative who air their prejudice so freely. I have never come across people like this.

Are we all racists now??

She is getting under your skin because her behaviour goes against your values.

She is getting annoyed because other people's behaviour goes against her (very specific) values.

If you want some peace, try finding common ground on something trivial so you can at least laugh with her about something, or just withdraw when she is around, be busy with the kids or something, give a cheery hello, and keep walking.

Sod that. I would refuse to be in her company again. Let your DH sort out other ways to meet his friend.

Kind of similar thing happened to me when I was first dating my now DH, and I went along with it all for a while because I didn't want to look like I was laying down the law. But in the end, this other woman was so bloody awful and insulting to me right to my face that I vowed never to see her again. Once my DH understood exactly what this woman had said and done, he agreed with me.

Is there a reason you are not responding to her comments and just quietly getting worked up about them.

Why on earth did you feel the need to hide breastfeeding. She has her opinions but your a grown adult who can do what they like

I'm not sure why you wouldn't distance yourself? I would feel completely justified in doing so with someone who is openly racist.

I completely get why you have gone along with it and while others will disagree I think you were right to, in a social setting.

The main reason I say this is for YOU - People like this woman are skilled operators and remarkably adept at turning the tables and somehow making it look as if you are to blame. Oh you’re overreacting, Oh what a thing to say, Oh I didn’t mean that. Etc. It’s difficult for anyone who is unaccustomed to ‘stiletto blades’ to respond appropriately.

I have one of these in my life. The last time I saw her she trotted out the usual rubbish, and I just said mmm, mmm, mmm, literally just that, even in response to direct questions, and smiled nicely. She ran out of steam and looked at me as if I were worryingly slow on the uptake. 😂 My husband heard the whole thing which was quite useful. Having been seething in the past, I’m now laughing remembering. So maybe try that? X

Just kick her out

why worry about her opinion, just congratulator her with as much enthusiasm as you can muster and ask her about sterilisers and how she will fair in the night with doing all the faff of formal feeding

Oh yes ofc the op wanted her to watch. All breastfeeding mothers want everyone to watch. 🙄

What a twatty question.

And op, you don’t have to cover yourself either. Ignore this twatty post.

No, I couldnt use a cloth for either of my kids - they both hated it.
I would have just preferred she did what everyone else does: ignore it, and get on with the conversation.

Think of her once a day and ask the universe to forgive her for being a cunt.

I don't understand the breastfeeding in private - sounds like you don't have great boundaries tbh. But regardless - why spend time with her? I don't spend time with people I can't stand. If your DH wants to socialise with them, that's up to him but it doesn't mean you have to - you can say no to them coming to the house or if you feel you can't do that, be out when they do come round.

With boundaries, once you start enforcing them it gets a lot easier each time you do.

I've a friend whose partner insists they socialise a lot with his ex wife, despite neither of them seeming to like her. She interrogates everyone she meets about what they do for a living, how much money they earn, how much they paid for x and y, how long their marriage lasted, what their house sold for etc etc Completely inappropriate but she keeps doing it because no one ever stands up to her. My friend is a doormat but even she's pushing back now, refusing to socialise as much with her rather than telling her to mind her own business, but it's a start.

She is living in your head because you just sucked up all her comments. As a result you keep mulling it over, trying to think of what you should or might have said if you weren’t afraid of how she might respond - because you want to avoid unpleasantness.

First, get it out of her head that she is well meaning; she isn’t. If you feel you need to continue seeing her you need a few stock responses, for instance:

Did you really mean to say that?
That’s an interesting point of view…
I’m not sure I understand - what is your reasoning?
I’m not sure many people would agree with you on this…

If she pushes back or responds aggressively, just say:

Maybe think about the implications of what you said
I’m not sure many people would agree with you on this…
I do not want to get into an argument
Let’s move on.
Tea/another glass of wine anyone?

Thank you for this. Finding common ground is always a good tactic, especially in this day and age with so much polarisation.
It’s like that meme - “when you hate someone you hate everything about them. look at that bitch eating chicken”. It feels like this with her - the idea of finding common ground just feels so far away. If we like the same tv show or podcast for example, talking about it is like an academic seminar where I am lectured at. It’s exhausting.

She is not saying racists things. She is racist.
And she has an inferiority complex masked as superiority. Incise!