Woman living in my head rent free

[golosh]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I would like some advice on how to stop feeling like this/ being this person.
My husbands best friend (who is lovely) married someone who I just don’t like very much. They have a six year old.
The wife, although well meaning, is just really hard work. She has:
Made racist comments not knowing I have mixed heritage
Says social sciences are beneath her (she’s a lecturer in history, I teach social sciences, she didn’t know)
Claims breastfeeding is disgusting (so I had to breastfeed my baby in private)
She once spoke loudly about a young woman in a hijab, who was within earshot, about how ‘they are all oppressed’ (We stopped her, because how uncomfortable for the woman. And excruciating for us.)

Lots of other things, I presumed they come from a place of insecurity and as a result I haven’t said anything to her. A lot of negative comments about my parenting/ parenting she’s observed by people not as good as her at parenting.

She and her husband have not been able to conceive a second child. And have just finished their first round of IVF. It was successful.

Here is the aibu:
I cannot bring myself to feel happy for her. I said my congratulations, and acted happy, but inside I’m seething - constantly. What on earth is this? jealousy? I just didn’t want anything nice to happen to her, and I’m finding myself arguing with her in my head all the time, most probably because I never addressed all those comments there and then. I feel shitty about it, but it’s kind of consuming me.

Anyway how do I get past this, please help. I don’t want confrontation.

Well, she doesn’t sound lovely.
if it were me, I’d be maintaining distance for the reasons you have stated - she is racist 🤷‍♀️

She sounds vile. Your reactions are normal.

Why didn't you say anything at the time, when she said horrible things? That's why it's eating you up.

Your husband's friend can't be that lovely, if he's married to a racist.

I wouldn’t be able to tolerate being in this woman’s presence. She’s going out of her way to insult you and you shouldn’t allow it to continue. If you MUST socialise with them, I think you should bring attention to her bitchery and ask her why she thinks racist comments are okay…. Why she feels entitled to have opinions about your parenting? Why she feels qualified to be superior? I would also ask her if she has any female friends or has she offended them too?
You don’t have to be happy for her. You can be happy for him if you think this is what he really wants.

She doesn’t sound well meaning to me. She sounds awful.

How does her husband react when she makes spiteful or racist comments? What does your DH think about her privately?

If I were you I would start challenging her in the moment when she makes these comments? Not aggressively. Just in a kind of “what an unusual thing to say out loud” way, to register your dissent. It sounds like she enjoys being some kind of edge lord, trying to see what she can get away with. She needs someone to put her back in her box.

I much preferred him before he met her.
I didn’t/ don’t say things at the time as I just don’t have that kind of quick thinking, about a day later I’ll be in the shower and be like ‘ffs I WISH I’d said this’

“What an unusual thing to say out loud” is a brilliant one!

Sometimes people are just arseholes. Someone will pull the neurodivergent card at some point in this thread but it doesn’t matter. An arsehole is an arsehole is an arsehole. The only thing you can do is stay away from them.

A good trick is to say "Sorry, I don't understand. Could you repeat that?" Totally neutral tone and expression, nice and slowly.

You don't need to remember come backs just remember to ask her what she meant every time.

I would stop meeting them as a couple. Tell your husband you are not a fan. The only thing you and this woman have in common is the men's friendship - use the tome he is meeting up to see your friends. And if you do run into her -speak up.

You’re seething maybe because you didn’t say anything when she comes out with all these comments.

For example, you don’t have to breastfeed in private. Why did you do that?

Maybe you’re more pissed off at yourself for not standing up for yourself and your views?

It might help to ask your husband what is it about her that he likes because you think she’s awful. If you could see his perspective you might find something to like about her. Being asked calmly to explain might make him weigh her up differently. Especially if you ask him how he reconciles whatever good in her he sees with her racism and ridiculous views on breastfeeding.

Some people just really get under your skin. I had a similar thing with an ex male colleague who sexually harassed me and got away with it; I just hated him. I found using the Buddhist practice of Metta meditation helpful, where you wish your enemies well. It just helped me let go of it somehow.

She doesn't sound very nice at all.

My mum once told me 'It's impossible to like everyone. You will like most people but there will be some who you just don't get on with, and that's fine.'

I think if you know you are a decent/ good person, it's fine to let yourself off for not liking the odd person...... particularly when they are condescending and racist.

I agree it is because you didn't address what she was saying at the time. Which tbh I don't understand why you didn't and why you then breastfed in private, she should have been the one to leave the room, unless in her house. We are allowed our own opinions, to express them in front of the woman wearing the Hijab shows a insensitivity and explains why she hates social science, she's too detatched, to see the importance, she just is someone I'd be honest about not really wanting to know. View it that your DH's friend is having a baby. Leave him to conduct the friendship for a while. Do you have to be around her?

You need to call her out at the time. When you do that, you'll have more respect for yourself and this constant self hatred won't keep bothering you

I am flummoxed as to why you’ve described her as “well meaning” and then gone on to give examples of what a rude, racist snob she is. I’d refuse to spend another minute in her company. Life is too short to put up with that like it’s normal and acceptable. Her husband isn’t “lovely” btw. He’s chosen to marry a racist after all,

I would be distancing myself. Your DH can maintain his relationship with his friend without you.

Why would you be happy for someone who's a total cow? It's not that deep. You're allowed to dislike people!

Rude racist snob. You don't HAVE to like her or even endure her. Just let the men meet up together.

You had me at "racist". I can't stand people who make "light" racist jokes because they are unaware that someone in their company has mixed heritage. This happens to me a lot, I have some Asian heritage but a lot of people don't realise that, especially as I speak like a London cabbie!

I can also confirm that not certainly not every woman in a hijab is repressed or being forced. I've literally got hundreds of friends and family who most certainly happily made their own decision to wear it.

You did the exact right thing. You smiled and wished her well but deep down you don't really care as she's so nasty. I would say that's a perfect reaction.

If she's criticising you in any way, say "thank you for your opinion, I didn't ask for it".

I often think when someone is living in my head rent-free it's as if they've taken up even more of my time. Because I'm not even in their presence! It's very frustrating.

I have often ruminated about people I can't stand, and spent much more time thinking about them than people I actually like! And then I beat myself up over it. But these days I try to remember to forgive myself, because it makes sense in a way to ruminate on these types of irritating people, as our minds are sort of running like an hamster wheel trying to understand or 'solve' why on earth some people act like this.

But, this is not something that actually needs any more rumination. Because they just are who they are. They will not change. Just like a snake is a snake. Their past behaviour will predict their future behaviour. Assume that they will be unpleasant (and then enjoy it when they aren't). And, of course, minimise any interactions with her (as you'd stay away from a snake, for example, if you knew it would reliably bite).

What helps me is to think that what they say and do is really a very strong comment on how they must think and feel. It's really quite sad. If someone is racist, derogatory about breastfeeding, judgmental about your parenting without having children of their own, faux superior, etc, etc, then their actions are telling you they are probably not particularly happy or secure. Otherwise they wouldn't act this way. So all you can do is feel sorry for them.

If you have to be with her, use the grey rock method. Say 'Ok.' 'Interesting' etc. And change the subject to something very neutral like the weather. As for breastfeeding, or any other values you hold dear, stick with those and continue to live them out loud, otherwise you'll resent yourself if you're kowtowing to her 'rules.' If she expresses negativity because you're having a happy life and living by your values, that's on her.

And maybe try and catch yourself when you do think about her and then deliberately make your brain do something else. Read a book, do a puzzle, watch a movie, get absorbed in something interesting. I find this helps.

By the way, forgive yourself for not being happy for her. In the same vein I'm sure you don't actually want anything awful to happen to her. Sometimes that's as much as we can muster up and wish for someone else. You're a human, not a saint.

I wish you good luck!

Block and move on.
Don't respond to messages
Decline invites
They will get message and your life will improve.

Thank you. Also a good one