Woman living in my head rent free

[golosh]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I would like some advice on how to stop feeling like this/ being this person.
My husbands best friend (who is lovely) married someone who I just don’t like very much. They have a six year old.
The wife, although well meaning, is just really hard work. She has:
Made racist comments not knowing I have mixed heritage
Says social sciences are beneath her (she’s a lecturer in history, I teach social sciences, she didn’t know)
Claims breastfeeding is disgusting (so I had to breastfeed my baby in private)
She once spoke loudly about a young woman in a hijab, who was within earshot, about how ‘they are all oppressed’ (We stopped her, because how uncomfortable for the woman. And excruciating for us.)

Lots of other things, I presumed they come from a place of insecurity and as a result I haven’t said anything to her. A lot of negative comments about my parenting/ parenting she’s observed by people not as good as her at parenting.

She and her husband have not been able to conceive a second child. And have just finished their first round of IVF. It was successful.

Here is the aibu:
I cannot bring myself to feel happy for her. I said my congratulations, and acted happy, but inside I’m seething - constantly. What on earth is this? jealousy? I just didn’t want anything nice to happen to her, and I’m finding myself arguing with her in my head all the time, most probably because I never addressed all those comments there and then. I feel shitty about it, but it’s kind of consuming me.

Anyway how do I get past this, please help. I don’t want confrontation.

She said she was offended because she looked away which is weird..

Stay away.

You dont have to like her, just as she doesnt have to like you.
Its not mandatory.

I would say to my husband 'I don't like X, I don't want to be around her any more' and expect him to go out with his friend separately. He should be insulted this woman is rude and insulting to your family (as your children also have mixed heritage via you). You can simply remove yourself. No need to think of come-backs or alter your own behaviour.

No, not “looked away”, she “physically turned away” i.e. made a big show of it. Learn to read.

You don't have to spend time with them, why not just let the friendship drift, with no drama? Or let your husband spend time with his friend alone. Start phasing it out gradually, life is too short to spend your time and energy with people like this, when it's actually a choice and they aren't family or colleagues. If you keep seeing them as often, ten years down the line you'll wish you had quit now. Or at the very least reduce the meet ups by 50-75% so you don't have put up with it as often. She does sound very rude, racist and with no self-awareness about other people.

I agree with others, no way should you – or your DH – have let her bully you about breastfeeding. When DH’s 'mate' asked why you chose to breastfeed, and how long you were planning on doing it, he should have said, 'That's our business' and you should have carried on.

And no, YANBU for not feeling happy for her. She sounds boorish and ill-informed, not to mention racist.

Whenever plans arise that mean she will be there take yourself off somewhere nice instead...then question dh why he needs to see them .

The comments probably do come from a place of insecurity although that doesn't excuse them. Maybe find peace in the fact she has to be vile to feel ok? Personally I can't imagine a worse life, feel sorry for her kids who will obviously pick up on all of this

Some good suggestions for you here OP. Another is to look her directly in the eye immediately after she’s made one of these comments and calmly ask her ‘what do you mean by that’ ?

It’s very effective used in response to something offensive being said because it forces the speaker to explain without you having to get angry or aggressive - you’re putting the onus back on them to to justify what they’ve said.

I think people like this sometimes say offensive things to provoke a reaction. Does she strike you as looking for validation ? Because a simple ‘what do you mean’ gives her the reaction she may be looking for - although likely not in the way she wants - without validating her opinion. It can also deflate the speaker, because having to spell out a racist or otherwise hateful statement can make people backtrack and stumble over their words out of embarrassment. It may stop, or at least make her think twice about what she’s saying.

Why dont you just speak up. Id tell her you are mixed race and that your job is social sciences and feed your baby right in front of her.
She'll soon piss off..my siblings are mixed race and I wont tolerate any rascist chat from anyone. Id point to a family photo and tell them to leave my house.
Mind you I am a lot older (60s) and have run out of tolerance for this crap.

Does your DH know how you feel? What does he say?
He should be meeting up with his friend on his own and I’d be staying away from her if I were you. There’s no point in being part of her crowd as she abuses people.

The comments about women covering themselves, she's right about.

More woman should stand against this.

The next time you feel inclined to write a comment like this, please cover the keyboard so that you can no longer type on it.

Troll.

Either call her out on her behaviour or let the friendship slide. Dh can see his mate on his own. She knows exactly what she’s doing i think she’s insecure and jealous

She sounds awful and I cannot imagine her husband is that lovely if he is happily matched with her. Nothing you can do except keep some distance.

Husband can see his mate but wherever possible I would not be around her and let my husband know why.

I can imagine you walking up to muslim women saying “you are oppressed - allow me to come and save you!!”

I think you need to cut contact with her she sounds like a terrible person. But that will lead to an awkward chat. You are not the problem she is but by continuing to hang out with her you are upsetting yourself and that isn’t worth it!

I think the cutting contact will happen - we already have very minimal contact with them, they are French, living there, and so we see them around once or twice a year (for a week while they stay at ours/ we stay in their hometown to visit my in laws).

Honestly I haven’t seen this woman since March this year, but the pregnancy news is just living in my head and annoying me.

Having said that, I started this thread because I genuinely just wanted to ‘say it out loud’ - it’s not really the kind of thing I’d like to admit to. But it is cathartic!

Does she make these comments in French or English? Could it be a language or culturalthing? I would use some of the responses here. Don't be cowed by them. "How long are you going to breastfeed for?" "As long as i want, why?".

Someone once commented on me feeding my son with a bottle - "oh, how sad for him, breast is best you know?".
My fat gob answered for me: "what a load of wank" before my brain could engage.
I couldn't breastfeed after a traumatic birth, and felt dreadful about it for at least a couple of years. But I wasn't going to explain that to this ridiculous woman. She never commented again. Sil, without DC.

I have no filter for such bullshit - racism, homophobia, sexist claptrap etc. just a short 'what a disgusting thing to say' shuts people up.

In English, and French. There is an element of culture, definitely. What goes and what is normally said in public is very different in the two countries.

Oh god! Exactly, it’s noones business. And the last thing I want to do is be all ‘well breast is best’ because it’s stooping to their level and making motherhood a competition.

You don’t respect or like her so stop letting her have any power over you. If you are still Brest feeding, screw her views and do it where you like. Avoid her if you can, otherwise you need to choose between pulling her up on anything offensive she says - you should be as offended on your own behalf as for any stranger - or fully ignoring and grey rocking.