Boyfriend watching porm every day!

[GodHelpMeImStressed]

Posting here for traffic, not sure if im blowing this out of proportion in my mind.

For context, he and I have been together 2 years. We are soon moving in together as a blended family. He has 2 kids, and i have 2 of my own.

We've always been very open about sex, whether together or solo, and i knew he wanted a lot but yesterday he mentioned about watching porn every morning. I was shocked, horrified even. I dont mind porn, I watch it myself sometimes which he is aware of and he had given me the impression he watching it 'sometimes' too. But every day?!

So everyday morning while my first thought is of him and message him good morning, his first thought is to seek sexual gratification from other women. Same in the evening I guess. I thought his horniness was something to do with me, or our relationship (how silly), but in fact its just because I have a hole. He doesn't seem to understand the issue that he gets off more frequently on other women than me, the one whose been working this arse off to buy our new house. He thinks im hurt, im not, im disappointed and kind of disgusted.

Am I being OTT?

Do you have daughters? Imagine living with him when (although perhaps already) your daughter (s) are teenagers. Maybe walking around in night wear? Coming out of bathroom wearing a towel?

Unfortunately you will face ridiculous amounts of judgement on here, especially when porn is mentioned.
I think the crux of it is if you feel the excessive use of porn is detrimental to your relationship. Over time, it is likely it may cause problems.
The idea that you are putting your children at risk of harm simply because someone watches porn is absolutely ludicrous. Try to ignore this sort of hysteria.
It’s also worth remembering that he won’t just be watching porn to ‘get off on other women’. It’s often less about desiring the actual performer, and more about the act of sex being a turn on. So it doesn’t necessarily follow that you are being compared unfavourably!
It does seem quite soon to be trying to blend families, especially when you currently have plenty child free time to spend together. I think 2 years is not really long enough, personally.
It’s good you are taking some time to consider your next moves. I guess you will know in your gut how you want to move forward.
Good luck.

I don’t see it as a massive issue tbh, yes everyday does seem rather excessive, but if you’re not living together at the moment I imagine that will all change when you’re both waking up together in the same bed every morning.

Are you saying that a man who watches porn in his own time, must be a sexual predator, likely to attack teen girls? That's quite a leap.

I'm also lost at the idea that a man has a sexual interest in children because he watches porn.

I wouldn't be happy about it either but the bigger red flag is this....

me, the one whose been working this arse off to buy our new house

Is he not contributing equally?

Yes yes he is.

You’re right that such a man is not automatically a sexual predator.

The question is more “how is this man’s presence going to enhance mine and my children’s lives?”

I’m not automatically against blending families: my daughter and I live with my partner who is not her father. It can work but its only worth doing if you are 100% sure it will be in the best interest of all concerned. The bar for doing it should be extremely high and it should be done extremely slowly and carefully.

What does a man who wanks to porn on a daily basis do to enhance your or your children’s lives? Why would living with him be worth upsetting their stability? What would he bring to the table that they don’t enjoy in their lives without him?

He may genuinely be a good egg who happens to like porn a lot. But can you, hand on heart, say you would be chilled if your daughter came home from school and walked on him wanking off in front of porn? How would that improve or enhance her sense of safety and security? Maybe it won’t ever happen but it’s clearly unsettled you enough to worry about it.

I just think when you are in any way in doubt about a man and when children are involved the burden of proof is on the man to demonstrate he is worth upending their lives for. He should be moving heaven and earth to show he is worthy of the trust of you and your children. This one is not doing enough to show that.

Christ, I missed the bit where you said you're actually buying a house with a bloke you met online 2 years ago.

That really is mad OP.

You do need to slow right down.

I think that's a bit of a stretch. I don't agree with porn but I wouldn't think people watching porn are pedophiles or predators.

Porn is a problem in whatever amount it is consumed, but every day is a big problem. Its reasonable not to like that and it will definitely have negative effects, from affecting your partners attitude to women and sex, even to erectile dysfunction.

However, I think your case is undermined by sometimes watching it yourself too.

if you do it too, you cant credibly claim that its wrong for him to do it, and you are then left with a complaint purely about the frequency of his use.

Would you feel comfortable moving in a teen daughter with a man she’s known…. A year? 18 months? Who the Op discovers watches porn every day. And obviously needs to watch women like this every single day?

So you’d be cool moving your teen daughter in with him knowing this?

It’s two completely different things. Stop conflating someone who watches porn with being a predator.
Yes, it is too soon in terms of the length of relationship, but perfectly ‘normal’ people often watch porn.

I wouldn't have been moving him in before finding out he watched porn everyday but that's irrelevant. The OP already knew he watched it and she watches it herself so she can't take the moral high ground now.

Yes I would. Linking the viewing of porn to paedophilia is rather an over-zealous leap IMHO. I really don’t see how the two are related.

He's doing it in the privacy of his own bed of a morning? Not wanking in the living room of an afternoon?

Maybe. But would you want to upend your children’s lives for a man who has to wank every day to something which is highly exploitative to women? Its not going to help the OP’s relationship, it overall suggests a reductive view of women (at best) and there’s a risk that the children will find him doing it

You crack on if you’re OK with this but for me a man needs to meet a much higher standard.

So parents should just never have sex then, because they live with children and there's always a risk the kids will catch them doing it?

If you think porn is highly exploitative to women, you can just say that. Most on here will agree with you.

No I didn't say that?

Sex and porn are completely different. Sex in the scope of a loving relationship is life-affirming. Porn is hugely problematic for a myriad of reasons. I do think porn is exploitative to women. I realise some women claim to enjoy it and I know a lot more men watch it than will admit to it but as a starting point its problematic. Doing it every day is doubly problematic in my view. It would be a deal-breaker even if I didn't have children.

But if I were moving a man in with my kids (and I have done) I would be hyper hyper vigilant towards any kind of behaviour which I thought might shore up problems for the future. I would be asking myself "would I be cool with this if this man were living with me and my children under my roof and doing it?" If the answer was no I wouldn't move in.

Why would I be accommodating behaviour which I found sleazy or off-colour if I were moving this bloke in with my precious children? Even if I wasn't 100% sure it pointed to predatory behaviour, why would I take that risk? No man is worth overlooking shady behaviour for.

Agreed about there being a difference between sex and porn, but I don't think a child would be any less traumatised walking in on their parents shagging than finding their dad/stepdad indulging solo.

The problem is how he views girls and women overall. No porn guzzler respects women.

Maybe so but there’s a host of other reasons not to trust a man who has to have a porn wank once a day.

And this. They’re just generally not good men: they tend to have (at best) backwards and regressive attitudes towards women, are entitled, have poor impulse control and low intelligence and are shit in bed. What’s not to like?

Why would you be falling over yourself to incorporate a porn addict into yourself and your children’s lives?

That's fine but I was responding to a post saying that because he watches it, he'll pleasure himself in front of children.