Boyfriend watching porm every day!

[GodHelpMeImStressed]

Posting here for traffic, not sure if im blowing this out of proportion in my mind.

For context, he and I have been together 2 years. We are soon moving in together as a blended family. He has 2 kids, and i have 2 of my own.

We've always been very open about sex, whether together or solo, and i knew he wanted a lot but yesterday he mentioned about watching porn every morning. I was shocked, horrified even. I dont mind porn, I watch it myself sometimes which he is aware of and he had given me the impression he watching it 'sometimes' too. But every day?!

So everyday morning while my first thought is of him and message him good morning, his first thought is to seek sexual gratification from other women. Same in the evening I guess. I thought his horniness was something to do with me, or our relationship (how silly), but in fact its just because I have a hole. He doesn't seem to understand the issue that he gets off more frequently on other women than me, the one whose been working this arse off to buy our new house. He thinks im hurt, im not, im disappointed and kind of disgusted.

Am I being OTT?

You aren’t overreacting. Your revulsion is your body telling you that this man’s attitude to sex and women’s bodies is not for you. You’re lucky you found this out before committing to him.

Tbh 2 years is about the time most of my exes showed their true colours, they can get swept along with the new relationship and put their best mask on for so long, then at 2 years they start to relax and you see the real them. Almost like clockwork IME.

I dated a man for 10 years while my DCs were small. We talked about moving in sometimes, but I’m so glad we didn’t tbh, as the untangling of finances and homes would have been horrendous on top of the heartbreak, when at 10 years together he displayed the exact same shit he promised he’d left behind in year 2 😢

I’ve been with my fiancé 3 years and have made it very clear to him that we’re not moving in together until all of my DCs are established adults and have their own security so that they can choose to stay living with me or not.

I know it’s tempting to try and recreate that nuclear family with a second partner but it rarely works out that way. Any doubts you have now will be massively amplified when you move in together so you need to be very sure he’s the one and that you have a watertight backup plan for when/if it all goes tits up.

No you’re not “blowing it up”. Your instincts are correct.

Just make sure that the “conversation” includes hard boundaries and isn’t just an opening for him to justify his addictions.

Do what you like in your own sex life but don’t rope your children into the ambit of a bloke who us addicted to porn.

Is the actual sex any good? Typically heavy porn users are rubbish, and get worse with familiarity not better.

Is he paying for the porn? If so he's supporting a system which heavily demeans and penalises women and contributes to the normalisation of extremist misogyny and VAWG.

Are any of the children under 18? He shouldn't be watching porn in the house or leaving it where it can be found/seen if they are.

Only you can know what's a dealbreaker for you, but if you want to continue the relationship I guess you have to talk with him and (1) first make him understand what your actual objections are rather than his putting words in your mouth and (2) see if the two of you can compromise - if you trust him to follow through on any agreements between the two of you.

FWIW, if this is important to you - and in my opinion it should be - then you're not overreacting at all.

Thank you for your kind reply. First paragraph nails it, and exactly the kind of support/guidance I was hoping for.

This place is so weird sometimes. 2 years is a fair amount of time, and there's some things that are hard to know about people until you have more of an integrated life.

You just have to speak to him about it OP, let him know how it makes you feel and see if he's prepared to change or compromise when he realises how strongly you feel.

And sorry you've had such a random pile-on :/

You do not need a man like that!

You aren’t overreacting. Your revulsion is your body telling you that this man’s attitude to sex and women’s bodies is not for you. You’re lucky you found this out before committing to him.

The OP watches porn too.

Her only issue is that he watches it every day.

Her revulsion is the realisation that he’s not horny FOR HER, he’s just horny full stop, and that watching random women online is a daily substitute for sex when she’s not there to provide it for him. Yes the daily porn use is OTT but I was referring to the OP feeling sick at the realisation that he’s a porn addled horn dog, not just someone who finds her reaaaally attractive and can’t keep his hands off her.

I think you being disgusted if you didn't watch porn would be understandable. You do watch it, you are also getting off over other people. What difference does it make if it's once a day or once a week? You are either disgusted by porn or you're not.

Lol yes of course.

It might actually be worse if boys/young men were brought up thinking this is normal.

My ex husband was addicted to pornography. It started with vhs videos, then dvds and then online. To the sickening extent he became unable to perform and subjected me to his revolting erectile dysfunction. I’m so sorry I didn’t leave him sooner but grateful I left before smartphones, because I can only imagine the new levels of addiction this feeds.
You lost me OP, though when you described yourself as “a hole”. If you’re in a relationship where that kind of language is in your head, you need to leave and do some work on how you talk to yourself.

Every couple of months vs every day, bit different.

No, you said this...

"Your revulsion is your body telling you that this man’s attitude to sex and women’s bodies is not for you."

It's very much for the OP as she enjoys porn too.

You aren't being OTT and your instincts are right, you are with a porn addict. Do you want to move in with him now you know what he is really like?

No, not remotely. I went upstairs a few minutes ago and told him that and listed a few of my issues with it. Ive told him to do some research into daily use, porn addiction, how it can affect our relationship long term and he can do with that information what he wants, but ill not be moving in with him until something has changed. Im not going to push or force him to stop, thats his choice. And mine is whether I stay, but I am not staying in a relationship like this.

If after ‘knowing’ this man for five years you have only just found out about this repulsive compulsion, isn’t it clear that you really haven’t been paying close enough attention?
Most people here would shrink from exposing their children to such an influence when there is no necessity for such proximity bar your own desires.
You asked everyone to leap in and judge an important question of character, and then react with excessive bile to anyone expressing disapprobation!

It’s abundantly clear that you operate with an ostrich-like, and ‘fingers in the ears’ attitude to probing life’s deeper layers, so I expect a year from now we’ll hear about yet another unhappy woman who shacked up with an unsuitable man in the face of umpteen red flags (and MN warnings she specifically solicited), who’s now resentful and shocked about the way her life has betrayed her.

Well done OP. What did he say?

I'm confused as the OP recently said she met him through online dating?

Unless she ended up matching with someone she'd 'known' for years (possible I suppose).

Good for you! Don't let him try and talk you out of this and make you think this is normal or that you are over reacting. You are doing the right thing

The porn addiction would be a dealbreaker for me.

I guess it’s the blurred lines that are the problem to some extent. You don’t mind porn, you knew he watched it and he knows you do too. So where is the line? Daily use is too much, would every 2 days be ok? Every 3? Once a week? Once a fortnight? Once a month? Birthdays and Christmas? For me I can’t stand it so have a zero tolerance but if I didn’t mind it I’m not sure how much I’d deem too much.