Partner is a very kind but I feel drained

[Gretafamily]

I’m not sure if I need a head wobble or if my feelings are valid.
I’m 39 and met my partner in January on a dating app. He is very kind, great communicator, generous etc but I struggle because he moans about his job and life but does absolutely nothing about it. He never suggests things for us to do. I suggest them. He is just so passive. I don’t mind passivity if someone is laidback but he isn’t happy with things! He just doesn’t do anything and I'm
starting to lose respect for him. He lives with his parents because it’s easier for childcare for him and he lives rent free so he is able to pay for training, new skills, anything!
I’m self employed and I have to work where I can as I have to do school runs. All my family are over half hour drive away on the motorway so I said I couldn’t see him one night as I had a deadline. He said he can come over and just potter. Potter?! My nan potters!!! I swear I just dried up when he said.
AIBU that I feel like he isn’t the person for me or am I too fussy??

Raise your standards. How Is a grown man around your age living with his parents. No wonder he’s passive he’s not an adult

Really? You can't just continue to date him and have a good time? That's what I'd do.

He is draining her energy. Why would she carry on?

Exactly. And stopping her meeting someone better suited to her.

You’re a smart woman OP! Pat yourself on the back for sussing this one out. (It’s easy on the internet to see the duds when it’s all laid out but in reality when they are nice and kind it’s easy to doubt yourself!)

What's wrong with living with your parents. Perhaps they like it.perhaps they are happy to see their grandchild and help. It's better than being estranged isn't it.
At least he's sees his child too. He's not a deadbeat dad that's walked away.
You say he's a nice kind person that's a positive too

Also how does one person afford a house today on their own.
You should talk to him OP instead of just listening to strangers who don't know him.

Congratulations on the weight loss OP! Let him look for a mum elsewhere.

He is not realistically compatible partner potential. Just let it fizzle out by leaving him to arrange the next dates and don't go on boring ones that don't interest you.. Don't let him just come over regularly to sit on your sofa, eat your meals and watch your TV. He needs to put some effort in, and he is not. He has got comfortable with his parents subsidising and helping him out him and it is likely that you would end up doing the same.

Do not let him move in with you. He’s looking for a nanny and a mum. I’d personally get rid.

I would back off just dont contact him so much and if he wants to come over say great bring proper food for just me and you to cook, when you have childcare give him notice so he can arrange to take you out but do you really want someone living with mummy and daddy

Hello instinct kicking in, well done shout louder,absolute potential cock lodger in the waiting,I dont know if this type of man does it on purpose, or its circumstances,low testosterone, depression,hes instinct with you is hack up and get his slippers in,your instinct is too run. If this was a female best friend you'd be telling her to get a grip and get it together. Run dont walk.

It doesn't sound like he's a bad person but he doesn't sound like the one for you, either. You're just not a good match.
Probably time to move on.

The staying with parents post breakup wouldn't be an issue for me IF he was using that time to sort himself out but from what you've said this doesnt seem to be the case.
I agree with others who have said the ex's 'abuse' was likely her being sick of his nonsense. Id be wary of any man who solely blamed the ex for the breakup, it reeks of him being the problem.
He doesnt seem to be bringing anything to the table so yeah throw him back OP, you know in your gut its inevitable.

Also, potter about. Ew 😂

Why? She has, as MN calls it, the ick.
Why would you stay with someone you don't much like anymore?!

I agree. Living with parents as a temporary arrangement is fine. However, he seems to have resorted to becoming a cocklodger at home, with his parents stepping up to look after his child. There’s no actual plans to progress.

Never ever just take what's going, you're worth more than that. The reason he wants to move in is because he doesn't want to live at his parents anymore. You deserve better, never just settle, plenty of people do and they're mostly miserable with it x

@Gretafamily You've really made me laugh with your post. I have no advice but I hope you have a lovely life.

He might not have had a choice but to share 50/50 with the abusive ex? 🤔

Your daughter sounds like she has a bright future ahead! Seriously, why would you inflict a strange man and his child on her in her own home; let her be.
You must know that every statistic (MN thread) on this general matter counsels women in your circs against admitting that male friend (and all his baggage and expectations) into your abode of bliss, because overnight the scales fall from your eyes and you strongly suspect you have agreed to be nanny, cook, and super-housekeeper, for his priorities and not your own and your daughter’s.
.
Any priorities you may have, never mind your daughter, he’ll expect to be sacrificed when accommodation needs to be made re schedules, ‘hobbies’ (sorry, that term makes me 🤢 for some reason) and household expenses etc.
At the very least, the barest bald minimum, before moving in with his next victim girlfriend, he should be capably running his own solo household and have in place solid childcare arrangements, and not just have scuttled back to his poor and no doubt knackered mother when he recklessly misplaced his wife.

What you want, if you want a man, is one whose personality brings you vivid interest, warmth, and joy, not one who drains your energy and generally adds bugger all to your life. (And again, heed your sensible daughter! Imagine her assessment of this flaccid chap)

It’s the moaning I can’t be bothered to listen to. It’s just draining when we’re together

I’m pretty passive and laidback but he would even annoy me.

Fortunately you can ditch him and be free of this misery. You don’t owe him anything. End it, and move on.

Then raise your bar out of the gutter??

Look up what section of society studies have proven is the happiest.
Never date some shitty man just for the sake of having a boyfriend.
The only reason to choose to be in a relationship is for it to massively enhance all aspects of your life, and make it all easier and fun. That's the entire point.

Why would you want to throw away your peace, happiness and free time to be around some boring parasite? Yuck.

I know you are getting rid (yay!) but I had to point out this comment.

When we met I thought great dad with 50/50 custody but now I’m not so sure.
Men prefer 50/50 as that means they don't pay any maintenance for their child, which in theory should be okay however they never pay for school meals or school uniform or normal clothes or clubs etc so it's not really 50/50 financially. Then start looking at who actually looks after the child when it's his turn, your lovely "partner" uses his parents so he isn't doing 50/50, his parents and ex are doing it. Once you break it down you can see what a loser he is.