Partner is a very kind but I feel drained

[Gretafamily]

I’m not sure if I need a head wobble or if my feelings are valid.
I’m 39 and met my partner in January on a dating app. He is very kind, great communicator, generous etc but I struggle because he moans about his job and life but does absolutely nothing about it. He never suggests things for us to do. I suggest them. He is just so passive. I don’t mind passivity if someone is laidback but he isn’t happy with things! He just doesn’t do anything and I'm
starting to lose respect for him. He lives with his parents because it’s easier for childcare for him and he lives rent free so he is able to pay for training, new skills, anything!
I’m self employed and I have to work where I can as I have to do school runs. All my family are over half hour drive away on the motorway so I said I couldn’t see him one night as I had a deadline. He said he can come over and just potter. Potter?! My nan potters!!! I swear I just dried up when he said.
AIBU that I feel like he isn’t the person for me or am I too fussy??

Please do not move this man into your DD’s life. He will add nothing. You don’t need a “partner” or to “take whatever is going”.

Ditch this one. Years ago I went on 3 dates with someone like this who moaned to me he had never been to London and maybe I could take him. Honestly I ended it the next take. Massive ick.

Because the state of the men on the dating app! Seriously, I think you get to my age and there isn’t many great single men about!

I wouldn't blame yourself - it's easy to slip into something like this when you're independent, responsible, hard working - you just presume that others would be similarly fair and decent, and it's a bit of a shock to find out how many freeloaders and [very nice but essentially] users are out there! You've seen it now though so time to get out.

I see what you’re saying but I love my job, I’m self employed, I work super hard to pay for my child to do nice things, I own a house and have friends, hobbies etc.

Yeah that’s true about me complaining and not doing anything!
Ha! He has never stayed at mine alone!

I’d bet my bottom dollar his ‘very abusive’ ex wife was his interpretation of her telling him to buck his ideas up.

100%

@Gretafamily run fast!

No long term plans! Which definitely gives me the ick

Yes I definitely don’t want him to be an influence on her.
I did have this conversation with him in May and he changed for a while but back to this again

The fact that you are even asking for advice suggests you have already made your mind up. So yabu.

Ahhh I see. Boyfriend then :)

He's going to replace his set-up with his mum doing everything for him, with you doing everything for him.

He's a sponger @Gretafamily

Apart from, well, everything, the moaning constantly would get me down. It's boring, it's draining. Life is too short to stay in a job a person may hate, life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't nothing about it and just moans.

Going by your updates, yes, I think he sees you as his easy way out, free childcare, free home... he's not really standing up on his own two feet is he? Living with parents for free, they do the school run, I bet his mum does all the cleaning, shopping cooking - watch out, you're the replacement.

“…watch out, you're the replacement.”

with added benefits…

You're daughter isn't wrong is she?! 😁 She sounds absolutely fab!

Totally understand! That would irritate me too. It’s one thing if someone has a basic job but is fine with it and just gets on in life but constantly moaning about things and not doing a single thing, even a small change is not a good sign. Also living with parents after a certain age unless there’s special circumstances puts me right off.

My exH was like that works in a role that is very vulnerable to AI but for a company that is education centred. Whinges about work, about AI, but won't do courses or ask his employer to fund him through courses, because god forbid he has to put any effort in and self motivate - he had an appraisal coming up and his attitude is "what do they expect me to say, I only go to work for the money" - FFS. I need him to stay employable for another decade (DD is 8), it infuriates me!

I also realised when he was still in his 30s that he was rapidly becoming his 80yo Dad.

OP, do not invest in the relationship, it will slowly but surely suck the life out of you.

Why does it matter to you what someone you don’t know chooses to call their significant other? Why do you feel its necessary to police other people’s language?

When he next talks about moving in with you tell him,,, ok. You'll need to pay 550 pounds a month to cover your share of bills and food. See how he reacts.

Run like the wind. No boyfriend is better than this loser.

Some things I could overlook.

My friend is older than you and has had to move back to her parents and so I’d never judge a man for doing the same.
It makes sense to live free/cheap if you can.

However I cannot ever be with someone who moans and not does anything about it.
I can’t even be friends with someone who moans.
There is a woman at work who I actively avoid because she moans constantly.

Also nothing gives me the ick more than a grown adult acting like a child (having mummy do his washing and cooking tea) and can’t look after their own kids independently.

You will find plenty of men who are nice.
Find one that doesn’t give you the ick.

I think if you’re feeling this now, it will multiply by thousands if he moves in. If he can’t sort out nice things like where to go out together, there’s little chance he’ll be sorting the less exciting day to day stuff of life living together with kids. You will become the default grown up for when his kids are with you. None of this necessarily means he’s not a nice person or doesn’t care for you, it’s obviously hard for an outsider to say. But I think you need a partner who can stand on their own two feet and will contribute to your life positively and I fear he will mainly bring more work for you.

Agree.

Op said his mum does the laundry for him and his dc 🤮 so he's definitely looking for new home comforts with the kudos of a relationship.

Hope you'll be having the 'it's not me, it's you' conversation soon 🤔

Seriously just tell him you're not happy and don't see this going anywhere longterm @Gretafamily

Thank you everyone! You’ve all spoken sense!
In the bin he goes.

😘😘

Yay🎉🎉🎉💯 correct decision.
All the best to you and your daughter.
Hopefully you find a Mr.right and not Mr.settle for.😁🙋