Partner is a very kind but I feel drained

[Gretafamily]

I’m not sure if I need a head wobble or if my feelings are valid.
I’m 39 and met my partner in January on a dating app. He is very kind, great communicator, generous etc but I struggle because he moans about his job and life but does absolutely nothing about it. He never suggests things for us to do. I suggest them. He is just so passive. I don’t mind passivity if someone is laidback but he isn’t happy with things! He just doesn’t do anything and I'm
starting to lose respect for him. He lives with his parents because it’s easier for childcare for him and he lives rent free so he is able to pay for training, new skills, anything!
I’m self employed and I have to work where I can as I have to do school runs. All my family are over half hour drive away on the motorway so I said I couldn’t see him one night as I had a deadline. He said he can come over and just potter. Potter?! My nan potters!!! I swear I just dried up when he said.
AIBU that I feel like he isn’t the person for me or am I too fussy??

YADNBU OP. I get the ick reading this and I don't even know him. You are definitely NOT being too fussy - you are being smart. Get rid.

Do you really want to be stuck with a whiney loser who lives with his parents, has no ambition, and wants to come to your place when you're not there? And he has kids? Watch out, he sounds like one of those stealth cocklodgers who wants a bangmaidnanny.

He has said he wants to live together! I said no way, too soon. Our kids have only met once so why on earth would he want to live together?? He works shifts so his parents do school runs and stuff so I asked him who would have his child when he is at work but he said he hadn’t thought it all through yet 🙄

Why are you calling this man your partner? He's a bf or someone you're seeing and it doesn't even sound like you like him.

Thanks colouring. I wasn’t sure if at this age and a single parent, I have to take whatever is going! But at the moment, I think I would rather be single forever.

Youre not a match

DUMP!

Because I’m nearly 40 and don’t call people I’m dating boyfriends??

I think he has absolutely thought it through and thinks it should fall into his lap without much effort. He's annoying you now and it hasn't even been a year. Throw it back OP.

Well exactly. You don't have to take anything, being single is infinitely better than being with someone who sucks the life out of you! I say this as a single parent too a little older than you.

Of course he's said he wants to live together.

At your place. After 10 months of dating.

Cocklodger flags flying. Maybe lazy ass hobosexuals looking for bangmaid nannies should get a different colour flag. Like shit brown. Do not pass go, do not introduce your kids, do not let him stay in your home when you're not there. That's him trying to make your place his. He sounds pretty awful. Run like he's a week old fish stinking up the place.

Of course he’s thought it through! He’s expecting you to pick up where his parents would be leaving off. That doesn’t sound like a very kind, generous, good communicator to me. It sounds like a man who has been poncing off his parents for free accommodation and childcare and has now realised that if he moves in with you, he’ll be able to ponce off you, with the added benefits of regular sex and no embarrassment about still living with his parents.

If you want to carry on seeing him for a nice time and regular sex, then go right ahead. But be under no illusions. This man knows exactly what he’s doing. Unless he should be giving classes in how to be good in bed, I’d break it off.

Ahh do you think he has? Am I being naive?? i.e. a stupid bloody idiot??
He said he wants to live together because he wants to see me every day but yeah, maybe I’m just being silly!

Dump him

You’re not being a stupid idiot at all, I’m so sorry if I implied you were. I’m quite sure he does want to see you every day as well. He’s obviously very comfortable where he is now, so he’s not going to bother moving out for someone he’s not that fussed about and he doesn’t really fancy. BUT if I had a house, I’d be willing to bet it on him thinking to himself that you’d be looking after his child whenever he’s at work, just as his parents currently do, and that his life would carry on exactly as it is now, but with sex on tap. I don’t think he’s looking to build something with you. He’s looking to enjoy what you’ve already built.

Do you have space in your house for his kids @Gretafamily ? If you do, he has not only thought about it he has probably already told his parents you'll do the school runs.

No man is better than a useless one. Nothing wrong with continuing to date if you enjoy his company and intimacy but do it with a clear head that there is no future living together.

Oh sorry, you definitely didn’t make me feel stupid. I just had a moment of realisation!
At the moment, I think his mum even does his washing for him and his child!
I reminded him that he hadn’t lived alone with his child before so didn’t realise how difficult it can be juggling everything as I don’t think he has to clean anywhere except his room. The more I type, the more it’s becoming obvious! 🤢

Hmm, I would be thinking what life would be with him in 5 years from now. If you can imagine a wonderful balanced fulfilled life, go ahead. What happened with his ex, mother of his children?

No, but I have a mortgage and am in the process of selling because partly divorce and partly because ideally I want to move nearer a motorway and my child’s school to shave some time off driving to see my family and school run. So he knows I’m looking to move in the new year. I did say I wanted somewhere bigger but only because I want my mum to stay over!

He told me she was very abusive to him so they no longer have much communication but custody is roughly 50/50.

I just don’t think I can see much fulfilment but I just feel like a bit of a bitch!
I wouldn’t even care if he had a crap job or made little money as long as there was some passion there! If he loved making pottery mugs and sold them for 50p, I would appreciate the energy at least!

thanks for the advice outer :) He has met my child but it was a communal setting with loads of other people who I know and he was introduced as a friend. So nothing serious. My child doesn’t know I have a partner. Her dad has a gf who my child loves but then said to me ‘it’s good that no boys (meaning her dad and men I think in general) live here mummy, because they fart all day and are annoying’

I would have zero respect for any man who at 39 still lives with his parents, uses them for childcare on tap and doesn’t pay his way.

When we met, I think he worded it in a way that sounded better. I don’t know how 😂 But now I’m seeing the reality!

So he's ok with his kid spending half their time with someone who was "very abusive".

Suuuuure. Throw this one back.

Your daughter, she's a straight shooter. 😂