MIL has sent us a Christmas schedule

[TheChristmasSchedule2026]

MIL has decided that ‘enough is enough’ and she wants a faaaamily Christmas.

We said yes we will try to visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if she lets us know which she prefers. We have now been sent a schedule which stretches from the 23-27 December.
Im working on 23 the whole day and AM on 24th. She will apparently amend the schedule to reflect that and I won’t have any ‘duties’ on 24 (she had put me down as helping prep veg)

She thinks dh and the dc can just travel up and I can go straight from work on Christmas Eve.

We are seeing her this weekend so dh has said he will explain to her that we won’t be doing this as we have our own plans and reiterate that she can pick Christmas Eve or Boxing Day for a visit , if it’s Christmas Eve it will just be dh and the dc though (but I don’t think that will bother her it’s more dh and the dc she would want to see).

She is generally very controlling but this is more so than usual! I did say to dh just check first that she isn’t unwell or anything but otherwise AIBU to stick to just one day !

Maybe MIL just wants a big family Christmas once every now and again before she drops off the perch.
Have you ever spent Christmas with her before?

I would be happy to ablige, just the once, then resume the more separate Christmas Days again next year ( if that is your desire).
You now have MIL's schedule and her invitation. So you can examine the details and earnestly fit in as best you can.

Why not have a year where MIL hosts?
Seems some families enjoy that.

I don’t understand why DH is waiting to see her in person.

Surely a quick phone call to say that you’re only seeing her one day and then discuss it again in person if needed.

She’s obviously going to be upset that her plan isn’t going to work and so I wouldn’t want to put her on the spot in person like that.

Are other family members going to?
Is she feeling overwhelmed do you think?

while I would be gentle (as possible) in my refusal, in my whole life, I have never found "just this once" ever ended well.

No back story yet you don't want to see them on Christmas Day? Yeh right . Did you think by labelling her controlling everyone would just agree?
Like a few people have said I can't imagine e not wanting me and my kids to spend time with on laws or parents.
So what are you plans for Christmas Day then?

I'd actually quite like a schedule.

Then I'd know what was expected of me, could bow out on the days / times when it didn't suit. mIL can then readjust schedule and done.

Everyone knows what's expected, pretty far in advance, so no misalignment.

She finishes work on Christmas eve so and might have other things to do and people to see? Including her own family?

some families do and some do not. Its their choice. She's newly retired, not widowed and well enough to take holidays. I think the perch won't lose her anytime soon.

Can’t youL
You don’t think that people might want to spend Christmas at home for example? Esp as OP is working in the am and works Christmas Eve too
Its not as if they won’t see family or MIL too.

Send her a revised schedule about what is actually happening!

but surely the visits on chritsmas eve and boxing day with christmas day at home is a very common way of dealing with seeing everyone over the season?

It isn’t controlling to tell someone what you are doing or not doing.

It is controlling to tell other people what they will be doing or not doing.

Really?

You'd spend 23-27th of Dec with your in laws and not see any of your own family so they'd be on their own over Christmas then....

Thats extremely harsh and quite cruel

The fact SOME families enjoy that doesn’t mean the OP family does or that they have to organise their life around the MIL wishes.
MIL isn’t her mum that can tell her children what they are allowed to do or not.

I'm afraid I always find the hobbies thing really snide.

It is not boredom that makes people want to spend time with family, and I think it's a bit weird to imply that it is.

Oh god that’s so teacher-y!!! 🙈

My bil is a teacher, sil a sahm and pil retired. They cannot seem to fathom dh and I work other than bank holidays and even then, can be on call! Currently of the view I want to tell them all to fuck off and just have a Christmas with my teens and dh.

That's psychobabble semantics: either way they are telling the MIL what her Christmas will look like - just as she is telling them. It's not really different.

How do you normally spend Christmas Day? Is it spent with your family every year so she's possibly resentful of that and now trying to get in early before you make plans?

And I can’t imagine ferrying my kids around to visit extended family on Christmas Day, everyone is different.

A five day schedule is unreasonable, The OP is working right up until Christmas Eve. Is it that strange to imagine that some families want to spend Christmas Day at home, with their children, doing whatever suits them?

Family can come and visit us on Christmas Day if they wish, and they usually do, we’ve hosted Christmas dinner many times, but we stay home on the day.

In all honesty I think you are being a little unkind. It’s completely normal for a GP to get great joy from and want to spend time with their grandchildren (and son) at Christmas. If you take the 1.5 days you will be seeing her - it’s still a long lonely Christmas. Maybe just spend a little extra time this year - as she has just retired and is probably going through a massive mental adjustment herself. This is mainly directed at your husband- nothing stopping him visiting with the children early on 24th and you all going on 26th. I’m not a GP and nowhere near but I do think families do have a responsibility to each other. I don’t have a good relationship with my MIL. As long as he is home in the afternoon and you are not missing Christmas Eve (pm) what’s the big issue? Why can’t he do it in his own and go again on 26th. Also sounds exciting for the kids as visiting family makes it a more special time and they can be spoilt by GP.

I have to say, Seeimg your DH and you are very much on the same wavelength, I’d leave him deal with answering his mum.

I have to say I’d find a schedule, so precise that it’s you who is peeling the vegs, and that tell everyone what theyre going to do each day fir a week very off putting. It’s more likely to raise my back up and for me to say ‘Nope. No way’

Im assuming your dh also has siblings. What they are saying about the schedule? Or has that been reserved to you?

Ah, I think retirement is a big adjustment for her and she wants a TV Christmas. Can you give her a bit more time this year?

I hate being organised, and particularly if they've been told that what they're wanting/organising/demanding is incompatible with reality and not going to happen.

So I'm fully with you, OP.

The transition into retirement for busy senior professionals can be daunting.
Especially for those that had large teams of people hanging on their every word, following their lead and instructions to the letter.

Suddenly their "team" has shrunk and they start eyeing up those around them....aka family and friends to marshal and boss about.

Volunteering can be a good distraction, also mentoring.

However if you have usually holidayed at Christmas, suiting yourself, inflicting a schedule like this because you are suddenly around might indeed not land well.

Let your husband sort it out. The 24th sounds like a win win.

No issue really, she has made a request. DH is going to tell her that its not happening when you visit at the weekend. Sounds like it's all sorted.