MIL has sent us a Christmas schedule

[TheChristmasSchedule2026]

MIL has decided that ‘enough is enough’ and she wants a faaaamily Christmas.

We said yes we will try to visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if she lets us know which she prefers. We have now been sent a schedule which stretches from the 23-27 December.
Im working on 23 the whole day and AM on 24th. She will apparently amend the schedule to reflect that and I won’t have any ‘duties’ on 24 (she had put me down as helping prep veg)

She thinks dh and the dc can just travel up and I can go straight from work on Christmas Eve.

We are seeing her this weekend so dh has said he will explain to her that we won’t be doing this as we have our own plans and reiterate that she can pick Christmas Eve or Boxing Day for a visit , if it’s Christmas Eve it will just be dh and the dc though (but I don’t think that will bother her it’s more dh and the dc she would want to see).

She is generally very controlling but this is more so than usual! I did say to dh just check first that she isn’t unwell or anything but otherwise AIBU to stick to just one day !

You cannot allow her to dominate this Christmas otherwise it will set a precedent. I think it would be easier for husband to tell her now that he will visit Christmas Eve with the child then return home. That way it’s out of the way, and you won’t get pressured into staying.

I know people like this.. Everything has to be planned and typed out …
If you dare to ask a question you’re snapped at that it’s all on the schedule!
Its frustrating because if you’re working on something or driving somewhere she insists that breaks happen at a set time or place and everyone has to stop…
it’s strange behaviour for sure and while I don’t mind others giving themselves a schedule, I hate being told when I need to pullover, or when I have to stop for a drink or food…
As others have said, let DH check it out. Let him be the one to tell her it’s weird and controlling and you’re it pupils but grown adults with your own plans and schedules!

She has clarified she didn't mean that.

She should join/volunteer to plan local Christmas events or something similar if she’s really missing that side off things.

@TheChristmasSchedule2026how about Christmas Day itself?

Seems to be so much pressure to play happy families at Christmas when, really, the focus should be on good relations throughout the other 260+ days of the year. This feels so contrived, so forced. We love Christmas and DH loves having his fam down, but theuy are really too old/frail to travel now s we are popping up with adult DCs the weekend before and taking them out for a proper hotel christmas lunch and then planning on Xmas Day in Pjs and possibly with home made pizza/curry, a Die Hard binge and some games. Whatever the kids fancy really. Just grateful they want to be with us, frankly, so no demands from us as I’d hate to alienate them …

For many years the MiL/PiL have elected to go away rather than spend time with their family.

Hardly surprising that the OP/DH have formed other plans and probably with other family who want to see them rather than go on holiday at Christmas.

Telling family members "I can do 23rd or 26th or whatever date" is entirely normal when you have multiple family members to see who may not even be geographically close.

Issuing a job list and a three day schedule to two people with jobs and children without so much as a discussion is just lunacy to most people (but is a bit of a teacher thing IME).

"Dear MIL
Thanks for letting us know your timetable for Xmas. We haven't sorted out when we are doing anything yet, but knowing which days you're available will help us. We'll confirm once we've made our plans"

So obviously she has had a lot of big changes in her life and has gaps to fill. Your OH needs to point out that it's not up to other people to fit in around that, though!

Reminds me of the story of Peter Cook checking his diary and turning down an invite with

“I can’t make it. I see that I’m watching television that night.”

I'm a retired HT (secondary). I can't think of anything I'd rather do less than make a timetable for the family to fall in with!

So you're offering to spend either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with them, and she's scheduled you to spend 23-27 December with them? Well thank heavens your DH is on side!

if she’s just retired and you’ve rarely spent Xmas with them, would that be so bad?

I’d need to see the schedule before commenting on that though.

I still feel like there's loads of background information missing. You've now said they've gone on holiday quite a few Christmases in recent years. So what's been your usual logic for how you spend Christmas? Most families have an ongoing plan for this, eg they rotate between different sides of the family, they always have Christmas Day at home but meet family on Boxing Day etc. You have said you can only do certain days so presumably you have a set routine: what's that, then? And you mention having to 'travel up' so guessing MIL isn't just down the road - how practical is your plan of just going for a day?

Except maybe they have other people to visit between Dec 23rd and Dec 27th? !!

I wouldn’t even engage. Let your dh say we will be here X day looking forward to seeing you.

As I have said, I agree the communication style of the MIL was off.

Ah, she’s a retired HT - that explains a lot, lol. I wouldn’t be entertaining this nonsense - no one tells me what to do with my down-time. Glad your DH is setting her straight (while also checking she’s ok). If she’s only retired recently, you need to nip this shit in the bud, lol, before she starts sending you lists and schedules for all sorts.

Sure but its not just the communication style is it? She has elected to spend Christmas away from her DC and GDC for years and now has unilaterally decided not just to change her plans but expects everyone else to change theirs.

It feels rather as if now that they are free to take their Winter holiday at a cheaper time than school hols, they can find time for their family but the family have to fit in with their plans They will have to deal with the family's already made plans for this year at least and maybe then discuss what all of them would like to do in future years.

I can't imagine prioritising an extra holiday over seeing my DC and GDC at Xmas every year. I also can't imagine expecting them to be available for multiple days knowing I am not their only family to consider. Its not just the communication style, its the self absorbed attitude that her wishes are all that matters and everyone else should fit in with her.

Thing is (and i'm only quoting you Mulled because your post was the closest) there's a lot of people mentioning they'd see in-laws 'more than one day' over the xmas period, but for a lot of us we can't physically see everyone for more then one day. Sometimes it's only half a day.

For me there's: us (who are expected to host), my parents, my in-laws, our kids at home, two older DDs who have to please their in-laws but like to see us and each other and their young sisters here, DHs 4 sibling's who want see their parents with DH all together at some point and their 4 sets of in-laws who'll want a day with them also!

These people are spread over miles. Some of us don't know each other from Adam and have never met and wouldnt want to, but we're all interlinked and sharing family and we're all be looking for 'at least a day over xmas' with our loved ones. It's physically impossible to fit that matrix in over 3 days.

I quite like xmas in my own house because i still have 3 kids at home and did my time running around trying to see and please everyone on xmas day before the kids were born. Also we have the space to fit a lot of people in for a xmas day meal and it's expected. Neither of my older DDs have room to host more than 1 or 2 extra in their house. Neither of their in-laws would want to host 10.

My MIL has for 20 years been very gracious and accepted the day after boxing day as 'hers'. There's no negotiation - the whole of DHs side of the family goes on that day come hell or high water and that works well for all of us. If she suddenly started wanting more than one day it would cause a logistical nightmare !!!!

That sounds like a LOT!

Everyone's situation is different - we couldnt possibly manage to see both sets of GPs in one day due to geography. And for people who are reliant on public transport the choice is generally stay for >3 days or don't see them at all. OP hadn't mentioned needing to juggle other family, so it came across as just wanting to spend Christmas Day at home with DH and kids (which is a common theme on MN).

good luck spinning all your plates this year! you'll need a lie down with a selection box afterwards.

as I said earlier, I would expect a conversation not an instruction.

we dont have a car so we don't always have that choice!

I agree it is rather self absorbed and tone deaf especially the bit where she won't conceptualise OP might be working ("good" of her to amend the veg prep duties!). As a headteacher she was / is used to telling other people the way it is going to be and it happening. But those days are gone and she needs to get used to that

I was replying to your post which simply said “I cant imagine being so resistant to spending time with my parents or in-laws”.

I’m not going to trawl through the rest of the thread to check whether you’ve since backpedaled clarified what you meant.

Give over, retired HT here, we go away for Christmas and have encouraged our adult DC’s to plan their own Christmas with friends, partners and families.

No control and planning here in my family.

Do you apply the same to other leaders in other professions…