AIBU to feel insulted by flowers framed as a ‘present’ but paid for from our joint account?

[JustWantFairness]

DH came home with flowers from Sainsbury’s and announced, “I got you a present.”

I then discovered he’d paid for them from our joint account.

We’ve always contributed equally to that account and kept separate personal accounts for our own spending and treats. So I’d effectively paid for half of my own “present”.

They cost £5.50 and looked shabby and past their best. His own contribution to this grand gesture was therefore £2.75.

What made it worse is that I prefer flowers growing in the garden or live pot plants. He knows this.

It felt like an afterthought and a half-hearted attempt at generosity. The message I received was: “You’re not worth buying a present for out of my own spending money.” and "you're worth £2.75."

AIBU to find the whole thing insulting?

awww thank you!

DH often buys me supermarket flowers, always from the joint food account. Never have I questioned this, I just appreciate the fact he thought of me when he was out.

Actually I understand your OP. Been there, didn’t get any flowers, but understand the deflating feeling of being worthless. Can you explain this to him? I tried and got scoffed at. One of numerous straws that finally broke the camel’s back.

We don't in our house. All money goes into the joint account. Basically my husband buys everyone's present as he is the higher earner!

I am sure this has already been covered but surely all money comes out of joint funds? My husband and I have a joint account plus separate accounts but we’ve been married for 25 years and we know how much is in every account we both own so whether he paid out of the joint or his separate account is semantics really!

I have a lovely husband but he isn’t a flower buyer except on big occasions so I’d love a bunch from the supermarket!

I don't fully disagree with you OP. But it's not the fact that he paid for it from the joint account that would bother me, it's pretty much everything else you said.

My husband would get a bunch of flowers from time to time when at the supermarket because he knows I (and the kids) like them. He would never frame this as a "present" or a grand gesture...

Op covers finances In the OP. They have a joint account and separate accounts

I would just be happy he thought about me whilst out shopping and thought he’d get me a treat to show me that

Yes I know. So do i. But when you are married all money is essentially joint money whether it’s in one account or another- you don’t live in separate bubbles. Ultimately any money that gets spent on anything is out of the family finances. Being upset about which account money comes out of seems a bit silly when you are married and everything is ultimately family funds.

Surely it’s the thought that counts? Isn’t it just a nice thing that he thought of you whilst he was out shopping?

Things do not sound good, he thinks of you - you think of the money, the quality of the gift, the thought behind the gift - why did he bother thinking of you at all. Do you actually like each other? There is so much anger and irritation sitting behind this post - a simple gesture but it’s so loaded. If he handed you a £5 note would you have been happier?

Well tbf not everyone thinks seriously about the definition of the word "present" before describing something they bought for someone while shopping... I would frequently use that word in the same context.

I disagree with a lot of the posters. You said he knows you don’t like cut flowers. He proceeded to buy cut flowers. Not thoughtful but clearly he will appear to be kind and thoughtful to others because he took two seconds to pick something up, two more seconds to remember you don’t like them would have been thoughtful. Same if you did like cut flowers but hated roses and he bought you a dozen. Lots of people would say how lovely, be grateful, what a catch but that would not be thoughtful.

That is a very sad transactional way to look at things you do for someone you love and care about. Surely it's the thought that counts. (Assuming the flowers were just a random spur of the moment thing and not a replacement birthday gift or such)

I disagree with others that this was a nice thought or gesture. The thought does count and his thought here was, ‘I’ll just do what is the easiest, low effort thing to do, and I won’t even pay for it all myself’.

People who are saying ‘YABU,all our spend comes from our own account’. Irrelevant! OP and her H only have the joint for joint expenses. A present for your wife is not a joint expense, clearly. It’s his expense, to show he cares.

People accusing OP of nitpicking over pennies. Well her H did, didn’t he? He decided to save himself 2.75 by putting it on the joint account.

i doubt this is a one off, but is a pattern of low effort thoughtlessness and lack of real support, and this penny pinching, barely there effort that he is expecting OP to be grateful for, has really brought it home to her.

I really dislike the way posters on here encourage women to be grateful for whatever crappy, low effort scraps their H’s throw their way: keeping the bar eternally low for men. OP is clear H has not reciprocated the level of support and effort ahe puts into him. She’s right to be pissed.

If every present in a relationship becomes some sort of test then something is wrong.

Oh yeah, and I forgot to add that OP doesn’t even like cut flowers so he wasn’t even holding who she is, in mind when he bought them. Shit effort in every way. The thought does count, and his absence of thought of anything other than what’s easiest for him, is hurtful.

Sometimes when I’m paying for petrol, I pick up a duo double decker for dh, and pay for it from the joint account and fully expect to eat the other half when I give him his “present”

can you tell how much I hate him?

Big hug @JustWantFairness peri meno is the worst.

Don’t let people here gaslight you OP. You did not overreact. You very clearly highlight the level of inequality in your marriage in terms of the support and effort ypu have given him, and what he has ‘reciprocated’ with here.

He bought you a type of present he knows you dislike, of poor quality ( I’ve sometimes though of buying supermarket flowers for someone but don’t if they are of the quality you describe), and didn’t even pay for it all himself. Then he announced it as a grand gesture ‘I bought you a present!’ So he gets the reward of being appreciated. He’s put in minimum effort, with no real thought of who you are at all, and expected maximum reward for him.

It’s frankly awful that a woman like you who has put in maximum effort for your H, is expected to be grateful for no-effort, thoughtless ‘gifts’ , that you had to joint pay for, in response.

The inequality in the marriage and his phenomenal taking for granted of you shines through. And when you see it, and are rightly hurt by it, get scolded on here.

Your reaction was spot on OP. Don’t let anyone gaslight you out of that.

Oh chill out tbh this is so picky. You obviously want to split up so you’re picking him apart or you’re deeply unhappy.

EDIT: sorry I can see you’ve responded and you’re feeling a bit beaten down by life. Makes sense that you’d be sensitive to feeling unappreciated. I’d move on from the flowers but definitely vocalise that you feel unsupported to him.

Your username sums it up OP. You want to be treated fairly in your marriage. You have given a lot of support, effort and thoughtfulness to your H. It has not been reciprocated in kind, and this ‘gift’ has symbolized that inequality in your marriage in physical, visible form. I get it. I see it too.

In the eyes of the law, regardless of how you run your accounts day to day, everything is equal anyway, so I never understand the ‘his money/my money’ concept as you’re married and it would 50:50 if you divorced.

If you weren’t married then it would be different as his money wouldn’t legally be yours and vice vecer.

Well at least he bought you some flowers and made some effort so could be worse!

Dh once framed a bottle of Pantene as a gift...

Being worth £2.75 is definitely better than being worth £0.

As I’ve said previously, he could have just walked on past the flowers and not given his wife a second thought. But he didn’t.

Some people are so ungrateful, even if he did buy the ‘wrong’ present for her. If I was him she’d be getting £0 spent next time.

If he’d actually given it a second thought he would have remembered that OP does not like cut flowers.