AIBU to feel insulted by flowers framed as a ‘present’ but paid for from our joint account?

[JustWantFairness]

DH came home with flowers from Sainsbury’s and announced, “I got you a present.”

I then discovered he’d paid for them from our joint account.

We’ve always contributed equally to that account and kept separate personal accounts for our own spending and treats. So I’d effectively paid for half of my own “present”.

They cost £5.50 and looked shabby and past their best. His own contribution to this grand gesture was therefore £2.75.

What made it worse is that I prefer flowers growing in the garden or live pot plants. He knows this.

It felt like an afterthought and a half-hearted attempt at generosity. The message I received was: “You’re not worth buying a present for out of my own spending money.” and "you're worth £2.75."

AIBU to find the whole thing insulting?

All our presents come from the joint account. That’s completely normal. I’d be happy with a £5 bunch of flowers too. I like cut flowers. But if you don’t like cut flowers, he should know that.

I'd see it as a thought that counts gesture. It's not supposed to be a grand gesture just a little I was in Saunsburys and thought of you. It doesn't matter what it cost. I might get DH a pack of nice biscuits while I'm in the shop and say 'I got you a present'. They will have been paid for from the joint account with the rest of the shopping and they're not supposed a "grand gesture", just a little something nice.

Did he owe you a grand gesture? Why are you mad at him - it's not about the flowers?

Is this a joke? Or is there is a huge backstory like him cheating on you?

My DH did exactly this last week.

I was over the moon and thanked him that he'd "treated" me. Yes it's joint money and I'm actually the higher earner but who gives an actual fuck!

What a strange thing to question the cost, who's actually money 'paid" and not just appreciating the gesture.

I often get him thoughtful presents and pay for them separately from the joint account.
I've always felt flowers are a bit thoughtless. He does know that.
I've given him a huge amount of support this year with some big things, and I have been down recently, and this is his idea to cheer me up.

It’s supposed to be the thought that counts

They cost £5.50 and looked shabby and past their best. His own contribution to this grand gesture was therefore £2.75

that's a ludicrous perspective to take, you must really hate your DH.

if you're going to be that petty about it .... you pay £1000 into the account and your DH puts £1000 in, the £5.50 would still have been paid for by him, but transacted through your joint account.

why did you marry him, with an attitude like that?

Mm. Well you obviously have certain standards but personally, a gesture is a gesture. My DH sometimes brings me flowers when he's been out for something else, we view all our money as joint money but that's us. I think life is potentially a little too short to nit pick about a small gesture like this.

I'd still see it as a nice thing he did. That doesn't mean it should the the only thing he does for you, but it's still a nice gesture.

I think you are being super ungrateful... he saw some flowers, picked them up thinking it might be a nice gesture to cheer you up somewhat. It wasn't a grand gesture where he had planned to get you something so he needn't put a whole lot of thought into it. It was the opposite, he saw something and thought you might appreciate it.

They were cheapish so I wouldn't be stressed about the £2.75 you've apparently contributed (unless your actually going tot for tat and count every single thing you use down to the penney).

Instead of thinking "Ah thanks for thinking of me, John" you're complaining about petty things. Poor guy can't do right.

Okay, I over reacted. I was in the wrong. I'm feeling quite down. I'm perimenopausal. I'm dealing with a lot of stress right now. I've supported him with a lot. I misjudged this one. Equally, I'm not the only one over reacting. Whoever told me I have a "ludicrous perspective" seems to be over reacting too. I'm telling you here I'm quite down, and asking for kindness on this thread. I've admitted I over reacted. Asking "why did you marry him with that attitude" seems FAR more extreme than my question deserved.

Okay, I over reacted. I was in the wrong. I'm feeling quite down. I'm perimenopausal. I'm dealing with a lot of stress right now. I've supported him with a lot. I misjudged this one. Equally, I'm not the only one over reacting. Whoever told me I have a "ludicrous perspective" seems to be over reacting too. I'm telling you here I'm quite down, and asking for kindness on this thread. I've admitted I over reacted. Asking "why did you marry him with that attitude" seems FAR more extreme than my question deserved.

Ffs

I’d be really pleased - I’d just love the gesture regardless of cost or it being from the joint account. We often grab each other little treats here and there and I don’t think it’s ever been dissected this much!

He tried to do a nice thing for you:

• Yes they were reduced at the end of the day
• Yes it 'cost' you the princely sum of £2.75
• Yes it wasn't your preferred pot plant or taken from the garden

But it was a nice thought - he thought of you when he was in the supermarket and wanted to do something to put a smile on your face.

Mission not accomplished I guess. I feel sorry for him actually. No good deed.

It's better than nothing. I've been married for 47 years, and my husband has bought me flowers on 5 occasions - even having his 2 children, all our wedding anniversaries, and having a heart attack a few years ago didn't make him buy me anything.

My DH never gets me flowers despite me hinting! I’d be happy with a £5 bunch from Tesco from our joint account but he doesn’t think! I adore him and don’t care but I’m saying this so you realise… he thinks of you, whatever he got you, he thought about you!

I agree OP- that’s really piss poor as a gesture and I’d been turned off too.

I don't really like getting flowers for my birthday or Christmas, but as a casual gift for no particular occasion I would be pleased, i wouldn't care which account the money came out of. He saw them, he thought of you, I think its a nice gesture, despite you prefering plants.

My ex had a massive bunch of flowers delivered to my workplace. I had to get a lift home and borrow a big enough vase off a neighbour. From the joint account, of course, even though he had his own account.

Christ the bar is low on here.

i don’t think it was that good a gesture and I’d feel the same op. Minimal thought or effort.

do you feel taken for granted at all?

Christ on a bike

I totally get it. I understand how £2.75 worth of supermarket deadish flowers can make you feel shit, not special. This is not your husband's fault though - he tried (crap but true, unless there's more to it and he's horrible to you generally). Its more likely triggered a deep sense of insecurity and shame from your past. Were you deprived as a kid perhaps, like me? I dont think the other responses are very thoughtful or sensitive so far. Sounds to me like pride and an internalised sense of inferiority have been activated. I could of course just be projecting my issues! Give hubby the benefit of the doubt... that he tried to do something thoughtful. Let's face it they're often a bit thick when it comes to presents aren't they (in my humble experience). PLEASE... go and buy yourself something really lovely to soothe yourself. Longer term have a think about how you're going to show yourself some TLC, especially during menopause. Best of luck 💐🌻🌺🥀🌷

It sounds like he is using the flowers as a substitute for actual support/effort on his part and that is why you are unimpressed.