AIBU to feel insulted by flowers framed as a ‘present’ but paid for from our joint account?

[JustWantFairness]

DH came home with flowers from Sainsbury’s and announced, “I got you a present.”

I then discovered he’d paid for them from our joint account.

We’ve always contributed equally to that account and kept separate personal accounts for our own spending and treats. So I’d effectively paid for half of my own “present”.

They cost £5.50 and looked shabby and past their best. His own contribution to this grand gesture was therefore £2.75.

What made it worse is that I prefer flowers growing in the garden or live pot plants. He knows this.

It felt like an afterthought and a half-hearted attempt at generosity. The message I received was: “You’re not worth buying a present for out of my own spending money.” and "you're worth £2.75."

AIBU to find the whole thing insulting?

She probably wouldn’t have shut those ‘gifts’ down so quickly.

So many penny pinchers on MN. I wouldn’t have even noticed £5.50 coming out of the joint account. Neither would I care.

I’m with you. Mine did the same once and I found it strange that he paid for a present from our shared account.

I often get DH chocolate as a little present and I usually pay from joint account just because it's the default card to use. It's not really intended as anything more than "I was thinking of you" though.
I would find it weird if he huffed about the size of the chocolate bar or which account it came from

How can it be a present? A present should be something from me to you.. not something from me to me? You can pick something up while shopping from the joint account without having to announce it as a 'present'.

OP says she always buys him thoughtful gifts out of her own money.. he bought her an unthoughtful gift out of their joint money.. but yes, I suppose she should be so grateful that he bothered to get her anything at all.

She is well within her rights to feel sad about his lack of effort. He didn't put any thought into what would actually cheer her up, it was a box ticking exercise at best.

He could have left the box unticked!

Absolutely, or he could have thought about what would cheer her up, seeing as she isn't keen on cut flowers, and got her that instead. Preferably using his own money if it was going to be presented as a 'present' for her.

I think most people would be happy being bought a "treat" from the joint account if it is something that they would like to receive, but would you be as happy if your DH wasted some of your money on something you don't like, then call it a gift and expect you to be cheered up by it? If my DH bought me a mint aero "as a present", I'd probably have big sad face too.

He bought flowers and thought of you. This is caring. Not all men buy flowers.

You Are Definitely Not As Unreasonable as some posters suggest.

Context matters.
If he meant it as a small treat of the "everyday" level - fine with me. If I'm shopping and get something my DP would like, I won't specifically make sure to pay for it separately and it will come from the shared money. I wouldn't call it a present, but would say "I've got something for you", but that's just a personal languge preference.

If he consideres it a real serious present and a big gesture, it is seriously lame - not following your preference and not really nice. Being paid for from the shared money would just add an insult to injury.

I would add one exception - if he is so run down, that this is the best he can do as a thank you for now, than the thought that counts clause should apply. But you'd know if that was the case.

Now that you’ve explained, OP should LTB and shove his kind gesture where the sun doesn’t shine!

I really want to buy you a mint aero now.

Well, I'm with you.

My ex used to tread me to some flowers when he did the weekly shop from out joint account.

I very swiftly pointed out it wasn't a treat for me, it just part of the shopping and the flowers were for the house.

He is a cheapskate. A gift should be paid for out of the giver's personal spending money, not out of the joint household budget!

OP you're right....I'd be fuming too 🩷

I agree

Are men ever described as high maintenance?

A bunch of half dead cut flowers (that you don’t like and the giver with any sensitivity should know you don’t like) is not high maintenance ..it would feel insulting and an act of disregard not affection

The gift is the fact that he thought about you when you weren't there.

Its a kind gesture is all, like when I think of my OH and get him a fancy sausage roll in the shopping, And I say 'a little present for you'

As far as I know he hasnt started threads about how awful that is because its in the shopping, joint account etc.

No wonder men die before women . ( mostly )

Don't you sound lovely 🤣 i'd never get you anything again!

You sound really insufferable

This thread is proving why guys don't buy woman anything! The miserable ladies need there daily moan! 🤣🤣🤣

My husband doesn’t even get me flowers. But sometimes my son does. You’d think after seeing how happy that makes me, my husband might get the idea, but no. I wouldn’t care how he’d pay for some.

Not all women like flowers and the men they’re married too should know that!

Being a woman doesn’t mean “you like flowers”.

OP doesn’t like cut flowers, her DH knows that, so just why buy them.

I don’t like dark chocolate, my DH knows that, so him buying me a bar of Bournville would not make me grateful because not all men buy their wives chocolate.

You’d be happy with your DH buying you something you don’t like?

I mean I’d rather he spent 50p on something I liked rather than £50 on something I didn’t.

It’s the thought that counts, it’s thoughtless to buy something that you know your partner doesn’t like.

Im sure the local Sainsbury’s had something the OP does like, a potted plant as an example of what she does like.

It sounds like youve got a lot on your plate.
It definitely definitely wasnt him saying your worth 2.75. I think it was him probably trying to be kind and thinking aw sges a bit sad today maybe she'd like these.
Ok he didnt get it quite right. But it really shouldn't matter re account.

Do you know what my partners got me some interesting stuff over the years but I always respond with happy thanks and a smile and a cuddle because I know hes telling me he loves me. I want him to feel excited and confident to buy me something not be worrying about my reaction..and actually as times gone on hes mostly got better at choosing stuff I really love im sure i dont get it right all the time for him too. I chose that kindness from the start because I knew he was really nervous as his ex had always been very critical and negative about his gift giving (hes never been awful for it at all, just the odd thing has been a bit random). I just love that hes thought of me either way I know he's a human who will get it right sometimes and wrong others and I feel chilled about that.

Maybe you're burnt out? Could you do some stuff that restores and comforts you?