To feel jealous of work colleagues

[Sliverofdarkness]

I've taken a career break and have gone back to work after several years out with the kids. I didn't have much choice in the matter as the kids were close in age so childcare was so expensive that there was no advantage to working, only a logistical nightmare. And we had no family support on either side.

I now find some of my peers far ahead of me (mostly male but some female ), in director roles. I know they have similar age kids. But whenever any mention is made of school holidays, teacher training days, teacher strikes etc, and I end up taking time off, often unpaid, it emerges that they simply send their kids off to be minded by grandparents, often for weeks at a time in summer. Or they get away for a weekend with their partner, while their parents mind their kids.

I can't help feeling really annoyed. Neither of our parents would ever do that for us, and at this stage we wouldn't even ask. But these people I work with seem to act like it's totally normal. They also all seem to have free holidays in their parents' holiday homes whenever they want, in France or Spain. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about it?

Did your FIL enjoy a great uninterrupted career?

Yes. He was of the generation that wasn’t even expected to be parenting, so his career uninterrupted by parenting was presumed.

This is quite patronising to be honest.

I went back to work and I have had many moments of sheer joy with my children thank you.

A lot of them safe in the knowledge that our finances are secure, my career progression is secure (which makes me happy and in turn a better mum) and also that I can actually give them my undivided attention and greater opportunities when I am off work and also in the future.

Also, just so you know, as a working mum I still have crappy bits. A working mum does not stop being a mum.

And I have turned my children into functioning humans very well thank you.

Your post was quite rude.

Are you me 😂. I have had the exact same experience.

It was your choice though.
yes it’s nice to have grandparents help ( I didn’t and neither did many of my friends or colleagues) but we had to suck up huge childcare fees. With only 16 months between mine it was crippling at the time but dud it so to avoid the issue you face now.

we all have choices.

I can't help feeling really annoyed. Neither of our parents would ever do that for us, and at this stage we wouldn't even ask. But these people I work with seem to act like it's totally normal. They also all seem to have free holidays in their parents' holiday homes whenever they want, in France or Spain. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about it?

Of course you are unreasonable here. You are getting irritated with colleagues for things that they can't help. If you were pissed off about them nicking your lunch from the office fridge that would be different. You can ask them to stop doing it.

But you're irritated by people's different life chances and families. You're jealous & it's not a good look.

Maybe you're projecting your own sense of pissed offedness with yourself for failure/falling behind. Because your lack of free holiday homes is not their problem.

You can seethe in private, but it sounds as though you actually express your irritation to them - for something over which they have no control, except good fortune or happy families. If it's actually affecting your working relationships with colleagues, you need to have a long hard talk with yourself.

Yeah I can understand that. When I split up with my girls dad, moved towns and the school asked me to put someone down who could pick up child in emergency and I didn't have anyone local.

Luckily one of the other mums ( who I didn't really know but she was a childminder) offered to put her name down

Not that she was ever needed

Yeah it’s really hard. I remember having a hard time with the kids when they were about 3 and thinking I must be doing this wrong and meeting with some social worker (can’t remember, someone the preschool recommended for parenting advice) and when I explained the problems, she just looked at me puzzled and said “don’t you have support?”. I was kinda stumped as I didn’t expect the question and asked what she meant and she was like “family” … made me really sad

The comment wasn’t directed at you. Not sure why it’s been taken so personally!
I am simply observing that in situations where parents of young children can’t be arsed with their kids, the kids grow into teens and young adults who can’t be arsed with their parents.

Exactly. I am a grandparent who looked after grabdkids a lot. And I meAn a lot. I loved it and now have an amazing relationship with them .They are grown up now. My children wefe not shit parents. They were and are very loving. In some cultures and in the UK years back,the extended family are very involved with child raising. It benefits everyone ,including kids. A very ignorant comment IMO

Op its not easy. My friend minds her gc for free. Am thinking we had zero help and costly creches. Theres no point I comparing. Was very hard at the time though. Those with loads help are lucky!

It's a difficult one as I completely get where you're coming from - you compare yourself to those around you and if you have a cohort of colleagues who are your age and ability it's annoying that their life is easier than yours.

My kids are teens so it's different but I have to work FT. I live in a wealthy area and when I meet up with friends and they've just come from yoga and I'm rushing from work it rankles but you have to remember you're speaking from a place of privilege.

When my kids were little my in laws lived 200 miles away and were newly retired and pretty much on constant holiday. My parents had me very late in life so were starting with dementia and heart conditions. So I had to sort them AND my kids. No one has a perfect life and there will be ups and downs - I hate toxic positivity and fine to acknowldege your feelings but there are literally billions of people in the world worse off.

Its really doesn’t follow that OP’s colleagues cant be arsed with their kids.

All we know is that they have grandparents who care whilst they go on couples breaks, they do family holidays at second homes in Europe, and grandparents help in the week.

And op is jealous of them because objectively they have it better.

Yes, I see. So they could be very good parents who are lucky enough to have the option of time off parenting due to family support.

I think it's out of order to classify it as "time off parenting". There is nothing wrong with a child visiting their grandparents for a week during school holidays. Facilitating that does not make a parent "bad".

Mabmybe the problem is calling it "childcare". My GP didn't provide childcare. They just spent time with us.
Childcare makes it sound so... Paid childminder like

That makes no sense.

"providing childcare" just sound transactional professional to me. The term is devoid of emotional side which within family sounds odd.
It's hard to explain.

YABU because you decided to take time out of your career due to the cost of childcare. Your colleagues took the decision to stay at work, whether that was because they had help with childcare or they chose to continue their career even if the financial position meant they were effectively working to pay for childcare. Comparison is the thief of joy as everyone’s circumstances are different and support networks are different.

you are where you are in your career because of choices you made based on your personal situation. Life is what it is and being jealous won’t get you anywhere other than unnecessarily miserable. You don’t know how they feel, inside they may be jealous of you because you had more time at home with your DC. Whenever they comment just smile, grey rock and move on.

I see what you mean. I don't think that's the problem though. I think the problem is simply jealousy. Whether they called it "childcare" or "playtime with grandma and grandad", OP is jealous that they have the option. There's just no use in wasting energy on feeling jealous that other people have different options or made different choices.

Another mum I was chatting with said her in-laws had the DC every Tuesday night for dinner and then once a month for an overnight stay. She and her DH used this time for date nights (although usually just quiet dinners at home). I thought that was lovely for them. Sometimes I feel a pang of “I wish I had that” but I would never be pissed off at the people who have it, it’s not their fault I don’t have it.

Exactly. Do I wish I had parents nearby to take the kids after school once a week so I don't have to pay for wraparound care that day, or on a Saturday night so I can go to the cinema with my husband, or in the school holidays so I don't have to remortgage my house to fund yet another club? Yes, of course. But do I trash other parents who do have that? Never, because it's not a good use of the little thinking time I have in a week.

I agree to be honest. I get it's tough out there and everyone is feeling the pressure in one way or another.

But my husband grew up like that and he told me that although he knows his parents loved him, he doesn't remember much of the holidays they went on etc, but he does remember not knowing who was looking after him one afternoon to the next or later on coming home to an empty house and having nobody to talk to after a rough day at school.

That's not what OP said her colleagues were doing though, is it?

She describes that some of her colleagues' children are looked after grandparents on teacher training days or strike days. Some visit their grandparents for longer during school holidays. Others go on family holidays to grandparents' holiday homes abroad. I promise you that is not neglect or bad parenting.

the famous MN inability to read and inwardly digest strikes again. I didn't, and my friends who were in similar friends didn't, have awful relationships with our teenagers.

HTH