To feel jealous of work colleagues

[Sliverofdarkness]

I've taken a career break and have gone back to work after several years out with the kids. I didn't have much choice in the matter as the kids were close in age so childcare was so expensive that there was no advantage to working, only a logistical nightmare. And we had no family support on either side.

I now find some of my peers far ahead of me (mostly male but some female ), in director roles. I know they have similar age kids. But whenever any mention is made of school holidays, teacher training days, teacher strikes etc, and I end up taking time off, often unpaid, it emerges that they simply send their kids off to be minded by grandparents, often for weeks at a time in summer. Or they get away for a weekend with their partner, while their parents mind their kids.

I can't help feeling really annoyed. Neither of our parents would ever do that for us, and at this stage we wouldn't even ask. But these people I work with seem to act like it's totally normal. They also all seem to have free holidays in their parents' holiday homes whenever they want, in France or Spain. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about it?

Completely get you OP, not so much with colleagues as my manager has a young child and little family support, but other friends who have grandparents who have kids at short notice so they can go out for dinner or the cinema, and who come round to clean or cook dinner, or regularly have kids overnight. My parents and in laws are great but just don't live close by. Though would definitely consider sending DC to spend a week with them in the summer hols when they are in school.

Not every grandparent wants to look after their grandchildren or if in bad health just can’t. I wanted to look after all of mine got chance to look after one for couple years, then son in law worked from home so looked after her himself,

WOWZA 😂

YANBU, but I stopped comparing myself to colleagues after I came back from mat leave at the age of 30. I also pursued a career which meant I could be financially independent and manage childcare costs on my own if I had to and have never claimed any benefits other than when child benefit was universal. We did have parental support but I also gave back quite a lot of support when my parents were unwell.

If you are annoyed with anyone it should probably be your parents who changed their minds about providing childcare, although the reality of looking after small children as you age should not be underestimated. Jealousy is a negative emotion and only damages you.

This
Op made a choice

How on earth did you form that opinion? The OP’s colleagues have managed to have good childcare sorted with grandparents. Grandparents also mind their grandchildren some weekends so the parents can have a weekend away.

Are you really saying parents who go away for the odd weekend without their children are shit parents ?? Or work through the school holidays ?

This is the absolute nail on head ! @Sliverofdarkness you are getting way too hard a time here, we’ve loads of family and absolutely zero help . Absolutely nothing would induce them to help , I had to pay my neighbour watch my other dcs when I was in labour 🤷‍♀️ . My in-laws actually cause extra work and can’t cope with anything . I always laugh at these threads when you get responses like “my parents will mind then one day a week but that’s it , we can’t ask for babysitting “ like come on!! , that’s huge help already !
I’ve had to bring my 3 small dcs with me to dentists , drs and had to recover from surgery (thankfully minor enough) with 3 small kids . Move house with small dcs , not a single offer if help, its of course their choice.
My dh is an excellent father but at times had to be away for work , I got loads of “get well soon “ messages with 3 DCs under 6 😂😂
But as is said time and time again our dcs are our responsibility and nobody has to help in any way .
But what a world if that’s your mentality .
As the poster said above this absolutely has knock on effects in the future it isn’t even tit for tat just a natural consequence ; my dcs are all older now -pre teen / teens and we both work more now than when dcs were small (zero financial help/ will never receive anything for various reasons ).
As a result we have no time to help anyone, visit regularly and any downtime we have we take it to relax or spend with pur DCs , our dcs have no relationship with their gps (I tried my best but got burnt out with organising and driving on top of a busy work at work ) and regardless they aren’t interested anyway. I have and would help in emergencies but they certainly didn’t feel
the need themselves. Obvipusly parents who have had help amd support from family have /had it much easier , they are doing parenting on an easier mode . I also think they are right to accept any help and are therefore likely to return it so will be busy in a few years with elder care and thats the good parts of family helping each other.
I am not remotely bitter , in fact , I feel really proud of all I've achieved , my job is very fufilling and we work very hard to give our dcs the support we never had . I loved the time I had with them when they were small , they were the best years of my life and something I go to when I feel low. So well done op, you’ll get there 💪

Really, I used to go to the New Forest with my nan and aunt to her house every Easter and several weeks in the summer, it was my choice and was absolute bliss. Same with my husband whose parents aren’t from the UK, he used to spend every summer with his grandparents abroad and had the best time.

And yet when i do those talks, as a woman who took off minimal maternity leave and worked full time and now has grown up children - it is well received.

I haven't been hugely senior, but that wasn't from lack of trying (penalised for being a mother) but what i did share were stories about where i and my DH were successful, comments from my adult DCs about how they found it all etc etc. I also share some of the regrets (there are few) and mistakes i made.

I did have hideous childminder fees, and we had zero fancy holidays during those few years.

You might feel happier if you stopped judging other people's lives?

We are very, very greatful to have grandparent help, but it does actually go both ways. We frequently do things for my parents and my inlaws like mow their lawn, DH fixes their roof, I fix their computer and sort out some of their bills for them etc.(as we should).

I daresay that life has evolved for "boomers" just like it has for everyone else.

Many of us don't have lives that resemble in any way that of our parents or grandparents so I don't see why todays grandparents should be acting exactly as their own grandparents did.

This 100 percent !

YABU to be envious of people who are better off than you in terms of money, leisure time and support, rather than comparing yourself with the many who are worse off.

My parents were great and helped both my brother and I with childcare. However, by the time my eldest child was 5 years old, they had both died. Their eldest grandchild was 7 and the youngest 3 years of age. My parents adored their grandchildren.

So, we had 2 helpings of grief, 2 young children and life and work to juggle. I was quite fortunate to have a manager with older children and parents who lived overseas so she did understand that school holidays etc. were tricky. We managed somehow with holiday clubs, Scouts, IL's (not local) etc..

I envied people who had grandparents at all, and even more so the involved grandparents that my own had been, and would have continued to be. But that's life, and we just have to get on with it. There is no point on dwelling on what we do not have. I would have loved just to have my parents alive to see their beloved grandchildren grow up a little more.

'Life may deal you a bad hand or take away a good hand you were already dealt. The way you play the hand is how your life is defined. Just like in poker you can end up winning no matter how bad the cards are you have.'

And that's your choice. But choosing differently doesn't make you a shit parent

It’s not about the “extensive regular childcare”, even just having someone that in an emergency would collect your kid from school or mind them for a couple of hours is a life saver. I know parents that take that for granted and don’t consider it childcare. As someone that’s never had that I can tell you it’s invaluable.

Exactly. Circumstances can change and even if you assume the grandparents will be around to provide childcare, no one knows what’s round the corner…. Illness, death, relocation ..

the OP made a choice to stop working. Many of us in her shoes - no family help, childcare costing the equivalent of one wage - chose to continue working. Absolutely no point making a decision and then complaining about it. And no point blaming other people who have different circumstances to you.

Yanbu I had to take time out for raising my kids and my ‘industry’ is such that they dont really tolerate children or parents needing to take time away from work for their children (it’s a real if you were dedicated enough you wouldn’t have had kids type industry) they never say anything but you’re overlooked for opportunities and advancement or you’re offered opportunities you just couldn’t take on with children and then it’s your own fault you can’t advance. I have no reliable family support (the grandparents all talk a good game but their five long holidays a year /social lives are more important) and it does seem really unfair seeing others who manage their careers and advance because they have a village. People don’t realise how hard it can be when you genuinely have no one who can or will help and childcare starting at 8 and stopping at 6 doesn’t work for everyone. It’s depressing but what can you do?

Why are you equalling grandparents with boomers? My mum was a boomer. But her grandchildren are all adults. The younger kids would be her great grandchildren

I agree comparison is the thief of joy but disagree with the multiple commenters saying she had a choice to continue work. I had to quit my job for my kids and I did not have a choice. Sick kids, childcare arrangements that repeatedly did not work out. Moving repeatedly for my husbands work. Him traveling with work for long periods. Zero zero extended family support. I tried multiple times to return to work and something always went wrong, badly wrong, and then it was too late. I left it too long and now have to figure out a different career… the work place I left is no longer a viable option for me (technology). Please stop saying “she choose” to give up her career. I’m just jealous that she got back to work albeit far behind her colleagues career progression.

Re: peers bring ahead of you - When I went back to work after mat leave, after childcare costs, it worked out we were only around £40 a week better off, and was tough re: pick ups/drop off, costly too with wraparound care etc.

There was no immediate financial benefit at all. However I was keen to not stall my career and future earning potential by staying out the workplace for years even though we could have afforded it. Tbh I think I'd have done the same if it actually cost more than i brought in if it was manageable.

The benefit over the long term is i kept my career and earning potential, so we could afford holiday clubs, take time off unpaid, so i had roles at levels where I could just tell my employer I couldn't go in due to school closure and id wfh, or make the time up and so on. If id taken years out the workplace I probably wouldnt have been able to do that as id still have been in a lower level role that tends to be less flexible.

When i hear women say theres no point in working due to childcare costs I do think its often shortsighted and is a huge gamble. And, gently, i dont think they can feel too hard done by when they see their peers have progressed, and progressed into situations where they can manage school holidays etc. especially as it was due to decisions they made through that short sighted lens.

Hi OP.

I'm not sure if you will ever read this as no reply since page two and you are probably busy BUT - it is best not to look at the lives of others. Firstly, at the beginning it can appear that some others have it better or easier, but I have come to see (I'm older now) that this is not always the case. In the end I am OK with my lot, no matter what it has turned out to look like.

I view it as my challenges, set exclusively for me, and whether I like it or not I am on a level where I need to master those skills, and even then I will move up a level and need to master those new skills. Aging has taught me this. It doesn't stop, it carries on.

Hugs tho xx I do get where you are coming from x just hunker down and be the best you can, and don't look at others aside from to cheer them on too.

Yes some people have the attitude we’ve brought our kids up we’re done now. Bit sad really. Wonder if they’ll be expecting help when they’re old and frail.