To be feeling like the whole house is an office because of endless meetings?

[Shatteredglasses]

I am slowly but surely losing my mind with never having the house to myself, honestly. DH started working from home permanently last year. It was presented to me as a good thing (I’ll be done with work much earlier, be able to help more with the kids) but it’s just turned the house into an office. Half term is coming up and it feels very suffocating. I can’t do basic things like hoover or have music playing or friends over. It’s starting to get me down a bit tbh.

I think it sounds like it’s too much time together in the house. I have experienced long time periods where DH would not go into the office and we both WFH and after some time I feel tense and snappy. Normally it is ok if we follow our normal office hybrid arrangements and we both go into the office on separate days and have the odd WFH together. But when we have been WFH together and then have weekends together with DC it can be too much (DC attends daycare during the working week).

But he's not complaining, she is. It's her who needs to just get on with stuff and stop making this an issue.

I was trying to help the OP shift her perspective. Because if she has the attitude in my post then she can do the things she wants (maybe with the addition of background music for visitors to drown out meeting noise).

The only reason for not hoovering is because she thinks she’s disturbing his work. If she shifts that perception to him disturbing her housework then it’s no longer her problem to solve (if it’s a problem at all).

I think you have to take back your home. If he wants to work from home, fine, but he has to accept that first and foremost it's your home. Have your friends around as usual, do what you need to do, vacuuming etc. when you need to.
DH started working in our dining room, because he liked the view. I moved him to the study, because he was in my way. I do everything I always have, except vacuum in the study when he is working.

Is he using headphones or relying on the laptop microphone. Hugh difference , with proper headset no need to raise voice at all

Again: not every organisation has this. You sound oddly sure about a company you don’t work for and know nothing about.

But working in an office isn’t silent , there is always background noise with people chatting face to face or on calls , traffic noise , etc. Home doesn’t have to be silent. And for hovering you could do that when he grabs his lunch.

Yep. Mine doesn't have this either. I don't doubt it exists but hardly universally.

The number of posts that don't understand this is astonishing. Plenty of anti-WFH posters who've obviously barrelled in with their own assumptions instead of taking the time to read the OP's posts properly.

And yes - as a woman who WFH full time, I'd have no sympathy if DH started acting like the OP, and nor do I think MN would have sympathy with him either.

I’m not really ‘acting’ like anything @gannett but I do have my own feelings about his near permanent presence. It feels very suffocating and not very enjoyable.

Like I said, if DH said he felt like this about my WFH, I wouldn't have much sympathy at all. I assume he's not actually acting in a suffocating way - hovering around you and so on - and merely using his house in a normal way?

Does he have feelings about your presence all this while, or is it OK for you to use your house as you see fit?

I can see both sides.

Actually, what is missing here is compromise and communication.

A good sit down discussion about boundaries and expectations are needed. Everyone needs their own space from time to time. That’s natural.

There are offices that provide space on an adhoc basis in most towns and cities. It would be good for the OP’s husband to go to a local version a couple of days a week. It will add more routine and structure to his life. He should also endeavour to keep noisy meetings and phone calls to office hours only.

Those shared office spaces are hellholes. The reason I love WFH is so I don't have to be around other people, why would I set foot in one of those?

I must admit I'm perplexed by people who can't make time and space for themselves if their spouse is in the same building. I need me time as much as anyone else and if DH is here then I'm perfectly capable of closing the door (and he's perfectly capable of respecting that). He doesn't WFH as much as me but I don't feel oppressed or suffocated when he does.

Likewise tbh. I'd have a lot of sympathy with OP if this was one where her husband was taking this piss with his expectations. But it evidently isn't that.

Yeah I know what you mean.
My ex used to come home early on the days I had friends round and he would be hovering making loud self important business calls in the kitchen so my friends would hear .

Urgh! Thank goodness he’s an ex!

And that’s fine, it’s just that we’re on different sides of this issue. (Not obviously suggesting your DH does feel like that about you, I’m sure he doesn’t.) The atmosphere in the house has changed massively and it isn’t very pleasant.

As for my presence in the house, I can’t answer that as he hasn’t said anything either way but I will say I am out much more than DH is; even before the WFH became constant my own work was outside of the home, plus I take the children out and about a lot, meet friends, do the school run. I am never in for 24 hour stretches which DH regularly is. The other distinction is between me being there and me working there. It makes a difference!

And to be fair I haven’t said anything and I have been considerate and supportive and all that, but privately I do have my own feelings about it.

I would give my DH very short shrift if he started whining about me WFH! Especially if it was because of some perceived change in 'the ambience'.

There are offices that provide space on an adhoc basis in most towns and cities. It would be good for the OP’s husband to go to a local version a couple of days a week. It will add more routine and structure to his life.

No, he shouldn't. He should stay working in his home office as he is already doing. And how on earth would you know what routine and structure he has? If DH suggested this as an option for me, he would soon be under no illusion as to how it was not an option.

I just don't get why you wouldn't communicate about this, if you're not worried or scared or anything. You've said you feel like you'd be disturbing him if you did certain things. A sensible chat and a pair of noise cancelling headphones could potentially remedy that problem.

There’s nothing to be gained by it @Flipperthepriest . it would just be like this thread’well what’s the issue?’ ‘Erm … you!’ 😂

Ok, so what do you think would happen if you said I worry I'll be disturbing you if I eg vacuum, so I'll order some noise cancelling headphones in case you need them?

Nothing would happen. Which is why it’s pointless; it changes nothing.

But there is probably little point in a back and forth on this. For my part, I feel I have lost my house as a home, and that does saddens me. I also don’t think it’s particularly healthy for DH to be in it so much but others seem to differ in that view.

I guess I don't get what you mean by 'nothing' here. Would he completely ignore you and not respond, refuse to wear them, would he be fine with you getting them and promise to wear them if he needed them but it still wouldn't make you feel any better?

Surely it’s up to him whether he feels it’s healthy to be at home! Many people prefer to wfh rather than commute to the office. It really does come across as though you’re trying to control everything that goes on in the house. I’m sure you don’t perceive it like that but it’s odd that you feel so worked up about it when he hadn’t complained and expected you to avoid housework or friends round

It isn’t the headphones or lack of that’s the issue, though.