DH gym behaviours and suspicious relationship with a woman

[Lowerbacksgone]

DH owns his own gym. Every weekday he’s out 6-10. Today he said he was exhausted and was just “popping in” and would be home in an hour. He was gone 4 hours.

We’ve previously had arguments about this because I think he should show some consideration to me and let me know if he’s going to be late/held up. This was about dinner being ready when he got in, but more generally it’s just nice to know when he’ll be back.

He didn’t text me or phone to say he was going to be back at 10, I was sitting thinking he’d be back at 715.

He told me sort my fucking head out, and that just because I want something doesn’t mean I get it (he’s previously agreed to text me and said it was basic courtesy).

He’s been overly friendly with another trainers wife in the last few months. Shes said she can get him a job in her company and that they should meet at hers (?) to discuss this. Long phone calls in his call history. She’s added me as friend despite me not knowing her and has followed him (he doesn’t follow her back). I find this disconcerting but can’t say why.

aibu to think he should let me know if he’s going to be late? Or am I being needy and controlling?

Shameless bump!

6am to 10am or 6am till 10pm?

Err he owns a gym, but she can get him a job...so the gyms going tits up?!? So he's gone in to sort stuff and it's got too much perhaps or he's completely overwhelmed?

I think there's a lot going on here and perhaps you need to ask him why she's offering him a job first of all

he does the gym in the evenings. He’s got a part time job on top of this.

6pm to 10pm

Then clearly its not going well....doesn't he have customers during the day? Has its always been part time?

It’s more of a hobby, he doesn’t intend to make any money from it. Its only a small gym

I'm confused he has a "hobby " gym? So thousands tied up in equipment, premises...is that possible.

I was married (note the past tense) to a guy who ran him.own company. And used the fact - "I've got to be here to deal with <stuff>" - without keeping me updated.

I'd be nursing the dinner, with no idea when he'd be back.

It is disrespectful to you and to the family life he supposedly wants to build with you.

In my case, my ex was using his business responsibilities to cover up at least two affairs.

To answer your question, he absolutely should be respecting you enough to let you know if he's going to be late. Anything else, he is taking you totally for granted - and possibly for a ride.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

But im a bloke who ran his own business (not past because I retired at 55) and I worked hard at it and was often late home and wasn't always in a position to call...but i wasn't having affairs unless you count my love of Radio 4. Its just often things get a bit mental and you need to get the job done

Thanks for replying. All I needed was a phone call or a text to say he was going to be late. I’m being called twisted and insane for mentioning this. When I said he agreed to it, he said so you just get what you want all the time.

when I asked about this woman he gets angry and says I don’t fucking know message her if you’re so bothered.

He's gaslighting you - in the true sense of the word, as in positioning you as off your rocker - if he is claiming no knowledge of an agreement that he'd keep you informed. That alone us a serious red flag for abusive behaviour - agreeing to let you know ifbhe'll be late, then being late without letting you know, then denying the agreement ever happened and telling you you're twisted and insane. And what's with the " twisted and insane" - that's strongly abusive language right there.

Did you ever promise to call your partner if you were going to be late, and then call him/her "twisted and insane" for remonstrating with you when you didn't?

He said I’ll be back when class fucking finishes. That’s it.

He threw his phone at me

He sounds like a complete arsehole and your updates just make him sound vile! He threw his phone at you? I'd leave before it gets any worse.

I'm a firm believer in intuition when it comes to men straying. I've known before anything has happened that it would and have nailed down who with too, with very, very little to go on. Most of my friends are the same, we just kind of know, we just have to get better at trusting ourselves.

I'm not sure that him being late is your biggest issue here OP. The rudeness, the sarcasm, the aggression, the swearing, all because you asked him to do something that he'd previously agreed to, all indicate he is a horrible person and has no respect for you

Adding you as a friend on social media would be so brazen if she was having an affair with your husband though?

It’s his gym, he’s going to stay there as long as the punters are there. He probably enjoys being there and couldn’t give two hoots about dinner. He’ll just heat it up when he’s home.

The only issue I would have with this is if he’s not around every night to help put the kids to bed (dinner, bath, story, bed).

@Lowerbacksgone do you have young kids that you need help with?

At the moment you’re nagging him. Well that’s what he thinks anyway.

Even if you are though, he shouldn’t be talking so horribly to you, or throwing his phone at you. He’s making the situation worse than it needs to be.

The ‘female’ friend has added you as a friend to show you there’s nothing to worry about. It’s purely her trying to help him out.

There’s no decent reason not to send a quick message to explain you’re held up. If my partner was heading out briefly and came back four hours later with no contact, leaving me with the kids, I’d be livid.

Also dated a gym owner who would disappear for multiple hours of the night under the guise of gym-related work, he was actually having multiple affairs. Don’t accept this OP, and don’t be gaslit into thinking YABU.

Nagging him by asking him if he could let me know if he’s running late? And that he agreed to this and said he understood? Wow

I’ve had a knot in my stomach since I was aware of her. He said he didn’t want to hurt her feelings by not taking the job.

I think he’s making promises he can’t keep for a quiet life and setting himself up to fail
If he athis gym from six till 10 to come on for his tea in between isn’t really practical

He has a hobby (not a money-earner) that takes him out of the house from 6pm-10pm, Monday to Friday, leaving you alone to deal with the kids, house and dinner etc.

What would he say if you also took up a hobby for 20hours a week, using up all of Saturday and Sunday, leaving him to look after the kids and cook, clean do bath and bed etc; would he be happy with that? Would he expect you to let him know what time you were arriving home? Would he expect you to update him if you said you were getting back at a certain time and instead turn up 3 hours later?

Be honest, would he be happy about that, or completely pissed off?