Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

When people have said her DS can sleep on the sofa, she said it is a no, because her DH likes to stay up late.

Do you want to read that again and see if you can see where that makes no sense? It's not about whether the 4 year is actively saying he has an issue with it... It's about the marriage that is supporting his entire existence (as evidenced by this very thread, and what happens to children when their parents are no longer together, as is the case for the 27 year old).

How is your relationship with him? I cannot imagine any situation where one of my children needed help and I turned my face.

She has barely mentioned the 4 year old, it's mostly about DH being put out.

I always find it odd when people say "there might be something she's not telling us" as if people arent just responding to the situation the OP has described in her own words.

Its like saying if my uncle were a woman he'd be my aunt. Sure but that's not the reality.

This place does my head in. It's so middle class that people simply can't imagine a tiny house with a living room that can only fit a corner sofa and nothing else. Or a life with a disabled child in the same two bedroomed tiny house. And they think that anyone can just go out and get a cleaning job or a job at Macdonald's. And that anyone can just dump a contract that they signed, and cycle to this job that was so easy to find, when they live rurally.

I agree. And the presumption that OP has a drive/garden they can plonk a caravan on.

I would squeeze him in. He would still get benefits I think so your husband would not be supporting him. Set a firm end goal and he can share with his brother.

That is assuming he had nowhere to go. I see all these clearly young homeless and mentally ill people around and wonder where their family support is. I could not watch my son be on the streets unless I was there right with him. I spent a year homeless as a child and my family did not let us take to the streets. There were 10 of us squeezed into a 3 bed for a year.

He also needs to learn to budget and save a proper buffer and he may need to get on his bike to find work.

Ok, but let's take that at face value for a second. What if that's true? She just divorces this husband - or goes down a pathway that she is telling us honestly might lead to that? (She has said numerous times her marriage might not survive her 27 year old son moving home.)

Because obviously that's in the best interests of her children?

If she didn't already have kids with him, yes, but that ship has sailed.

On the one hand we're bemoaning the 27 year old son having a mother who does not live with his father and who therefore just doesn't feel those bonds of kinship, and in the same breath advocating she acts in such a way that - she tells us - might very well lead to the same outcome for her 4 year old.

It is increasingly clear from OP’s updates that her DH has not actually said the son can’t move in, just as DS has not actually asked for ‘proper dinners’. These are assumptions that OP is projecting onto both men.

She's said a few times she thinks her marriage might not survive it. She might be wrong, but how do we know?

No i dont need to read it again thanks. You seem not to comprehend my post, I never said the 4 year old has actively said anything. Im talking about his mum.

Its a very strange and false argument that the presence of her son in the house would threaten the 4 year olds existence.

What is threatening the 4 year olds support is the OP's husband. Youre basically excusing a controlling man, he controls the purse strings so she should throw her older son on the street or the OP will leave and withdraw support for his own son. Really?! You think that's acceptable.

Then you're blind to the significance of the marriage to the four year old.

The OPs husband is the child's father.

It's incredible to me that you don't see that.

Her DH sounds controlling. That is the issue here, not her DS.

I agree it would be good if she just clarified what the actual situation is. Because right now she's making her DH and herself look quite bad.

He needs to make better decisions phone wise. I have a contract of £10 a month of Giff Gaff. A very old phone. £50 is a lot ot must a new phone latest. Get out the contract as soon as possible. Every penny counts. Get a cheaper car. Mynold suzuki 5 door .9litr engine was £30 road tax and £200 annual insurance.
Looking for rentals outside of the expensive zone or moving to a cheaper area of the UK is the best option. Have savings. At 27 he should have had savings. If he has worked all his adukt life 18 - 27 I would expect that to be the lowest £5k but in the ball park of £15k - 20k.

Try to help him out for a month or two while he navigates rehousing, house share and getting a Job. There are tonnes of jobs out there he has to be willing to do the qork and do anything. Bank work on the NHS, HCA, etc etc etc.

I think you should find a way to accommodate him but you absolutely should make it clear that you are not stumping up for “proper” dinners for him just because he expects it! It sounds like you’re also living on the brink of poverty if you can only spare some crackers and cheese for your own dinner in the evening, if he wants a “proper” meal then he needs to pay for it, and perhaps think about treating his mum to a proper meal as well!

my children will ALWAYS come before any man, regardless of the situation or their age. Absolute madness.

and he sounds like a nightmare anyway if having a toddler in with you to sleep for a while will DESTROY your marriage. Sounds horrendous op.

If helping your son when he really needs you is seriously going to damage your marriage then frankly your marriage is a joke anyway.

I read comments like this and very many others and realise what a sheltered and ridiculously unaware life so many mumsnetters have. Literally no awareness of how many people live hand to mouth, or how many people are one pay cheque away from being homeless. Utterly, utterly out of touch. There is nothing worse than people saying I managed to do x, y and z in the 1980s or 1990s, so young people can do that now. Or rent for an HMO can't possibly be £600 per month. Oblivious to the real world. So out of touch.

I dunno.

I am starting to wonder if the DH is just an excuse and it’s OP who would rather her DS was sleeping on a park bench in November…

Thank you! Glad im not the only person who can see this.

Also nobody is bemoaning the fact she didn't stay with the 27 year olds dad. Thats just been made up.

If you have to make your own son homeless in order for a father to support is own 4 year old, then there is something very wrong with that father.

The husband has said the 27 year old will have to move home, but OP says she doesn't think her marriage would survive it.

You diagnose husband as for sure the problem, and think OP should tear up this second relationship and start over, creating a third set of kids who don't live with their fathers.

Makes total sense.

I couldn’t pick a bloke over my DC. That seems to be the real bottom line here. DH or not he should be supporting you to find solutions imho.

Do you work? Your DS has always or mostly worked. He’s fallen on hard times through no fault of his own yet the one time he asks for help sounds like you’re made up there’s no room at the Inn.

Wouldn’t blame him if he never forgets that. If you can’t go to your parent, when you’re facing homelessness where do you go? If it was not for your DH, if he wasn’t so set in his ways, bet you’d have no problem with it. Bunk beds are cheap enough and people find a way or make one if they want to do something.

Feel for your eldest.

I would suggest he stays put. It will be harder for him to find somewhere to live again and your house does not seem a good long term solution. As a hard worker, he will find something soon if he’s willing to accept anything.

I'm shocked at the number of people saying he's 27 so not your problem, leave him too it. Age is irrelevant when this man is going to be homeless and he has family. I can't imagine many of us would just accept it if our own available relative so they'd we be homeless than squeeze us in. Surly that's what you do for family no matter how much you have to squeeze? He's either on the couch or in with the little one on a cot or blow up mattress. You take in your son though rather than see him homeless. Letting him become homeless would likely do so much damage to your relationship.

This.