To not have sex unless I actually want to

[OverOverOverAgain]

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

Going against the grain here to some degree. if you won't have sex he will find it elsewhere or the marriage is doomed. You deserve to be happy. Do you feel you'll never want sec again. If not let him go or discuss whether an open marriage might work.

I don't think coerced and unwanted sex is small stuff. If sex is such a small thing, why doesn't he decide not to sweat it?

I wouldn't want to save my marriage to a resentful, angry man who thought I was only there to service him anyway.

He must know the reverse “pitch” is that if he really wants access to your body he has to meet your needs. Begin to talk, physically connect without pressure (you can sleep in the same bed and talk and be close without anything sexual) and get into the habit of being closer before there’s any mention of sex.

He reveals his lack of commitment to a balanced relationship by denigrating you in expecting anything sexual when you’re not comfortable with it. He’s looking for sex regardless of his partner. That’s a pretty significant red flag.

FWIW, lots of women do have sex when they’re not that bothered about it for themselves and it’s either because they love & like their partner and it’s no big deal to them, or they feel obliged and resentment grows.

It doesn’t sound as if your marriage is based on mutual love and respect for each other.

And as we all know, men have their own hands, using yours is a way to demean you while things are already bad between you.

We are past the days when married women were expected to put out on demand to a husband whose bed she left because he wasn't talking to her or listening when she talked to him.

We don't know why,

But we do know why: OP has told us:
We have young kids amd full time jobs [...]
He said "I'll never understand your priorities. You get annoyed about tiny stuff like housework or remembering things, but you seem happy to go for months without sex. Our relationship should be intimate and loving, who cares about the small stuff."
I have tried, many times over the years, him not helping out makes me feel resentful and exhausted and less loving towards him. But he makes me feel ridiculous e..g "ah you'll shag me if I remember to pick up dishwasher tablets. Surrrrrrrre" (said sarcastically)

So basically he is lazy and selfish, doesn't pull his weight with the housework or do his share (which OP mistakenly calls "helping out"), and doesn't even care enough to do things when specifically asked like pick up supplies. And he sees this as "tiny stuff", instead of recognising that every time he fails to do what she asks that is equivalent to a great big "fuck you, I don't care about you or respect you".

So you’re his live-in housekeeper, and he wants to add sex to his benefits package without making any effort? He’s not your partner.

If he wants to reconnect he can show you this by

• taking some work off your shoulders by doing half of all domestic tasks
• wooing you with no-pressure moments of gentleness and interest in you as a person
• dates, where again he talks with you like you’re a person and not a facilitator of his lovely life

It’s really not hard! If he isn’t doing any of this it’s because at heart he doesn’t see you as a person and thinks that domestic labour and sex are part of what he is entitled to as a man, and what you should provide as a woman.

You’ve missed the point.

Small stuff = housework, dishwasher tablets
Big stuff = love, sex, marriage

In terms of whether I want sex with anyone, I certainly fancy the thought of having sex and im certainly not asexual. I just am exhausted and turned off hugely by him.

I know our relationship is dire. I also know it's not fair or reasonable that he could be expected to never have sex again

What I find shocking is him admitting his solution is me grinning and bearing it. Rather than say making an effort in any way whatsoever.

It's not small stuff when you're run ragged trying to keep on top of everything and work full time.

And if it is so trivial, then it's no big deal for him to do it.

How does a suggestion of a hand job give OP any pleasure? He clearly sees sex as something for him, not a mutually enjoyable experience (which likely means hes also shit in bed).

You don't get it.

Small stuff: forgetting dishwasher tablets once

Big stuff: I have tried, many times over the years, him not helping out makes me feel resentful and exhausted and less loving towards him.

It is a big, big thing that he leaves so much of the housework and running the home to her, when they are both working and have young children, that she is exhausted and resentful.

Its over op. Time to move on and divorce

Its not trivial.

He watches his wife struggle. Work full time. While doing 99% of everything else, including paying all bills. And yes remembering dishwasher tablets

You can reduce it to tiny tasks but what is feels like is I'm in the trenches by myself and he is coasting. And that feel shit. And also the respect has gone. Which makes him much less fanciable.

Wow, no wonder you don’t want to have sex with him. He sounds so unattractive.
Are you in a position where you could leave him?

When the respect has gone, it is over.

You could work on the marriage if it was just exhaustion, misunderstandings, lack of communication, etc.
But when you fundamentally don't respect him (because he is so lazy and selfish he is happy to leave it all to his wife and just coast) then it is impossible to find the love again.

Start a new thread when you are ready to divorce and need practical advice.

He is lazy and selfish and the OP is exhausted from doing it all and asking him for help.

He won't help.
He refuses to share the load.

But expects her to add sex to that chore list even if she doesn't want to.

Of course coercive sex is rape.
A lot of posters clearly don't understand consent.

She doesn't even want to share a bed with him because of his selfishness and treatment of her.

And posters think she should just do it to save the marriage?

How anout he tries to save the marriage by sharing the load?

Oh no, saving the marriage is her job too.🙄

I think we as women underestimate how important sex is to men. To them it is probably the most important thing in a relationship. It's probably at the bottom of the list for women. But a happy medium is needed, he needs to show you love before you can be physical with him. Can you do a date night and see if you can go and have fun, laugh together? Perhaps it will help you reconnect.

This is way past being fixable with a few date nights.

He is a lazy selfish man who simply refuses to do his fair share of to maintain the house and raise the children. He seems to think that his job begins and ends with his paid work, even though his wife also works full time.
He has so little care and respect for her that he is happy to have sex with her against her will, or failing that thinks that she ought to give him a hand job.

Because being responsible for the household, raising children, providing sex, and also working full time is just what women are supposed to do?

This thread is fucking grim grim grim

We’ve all been there. Working full time, having young children, yes it’s exhausting but it does end one day. Infact, I’m almost at the end of that chapter (3 years to go!). I’d rather have a loving marriage at the end of it and not have surrendered that in favour of housework and dish washer tablets.

Have you tried writing him a list of tasks you need doing? I know you shouldn't have to, but most men don't seem to see what's needed.

I need you this week to :

Vacuum whole house
Change all beds
Mop kitchen floor

My DH doesn't seem to see what's needed. I tell him, please clean the lounge and he does it. 😐

“You have to start sleeping with me”

NO YOU DON’T!!!

But this isn’t a loving marriage. He sees her as a skivvy who should wank him off because he’s too lazy to do that himself (as well as too lazy to tend to his household or be loving towards his wife). And if you did the same with coercive sex, yours isn’t very loving either. These men aren’t loving, they want a woman to wait on them and provide sex. They aren’t prepared to take her needs into account at all.

It really is!

I’m the opposite to this. I’ve been with my H 27 years, married for 10. I love that side of our relationship. Sex at least 3 times a week. It’s time away from the drudgery of life and for us to connect and show our love for each other. Yes, we show in other ways too but life is busy and not always possible.

I can’t relate, fortunately.

How’s your marriage?