To not have sex unless I actually want to

[OverOverOverAgain]

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

It’s incredibly hard to want sex with someone who is <insert relevant negative word> in general in your relationship, when as a woman you don’t feel loved/respected/wanted.

I do think this somewhat works the other way for some men which is a pity frankly.

It’s in his hands to fix this isn’t it really, in more ways than one. And that is because to have sex with an unwilling partner is <insert appropriate word> .

What can he do to reduce the ?resentment in your relationship. He should start there.

OP, please reach out to Women's for a chat.
They can clarify for you exactly how controlling, manipulative and abusive he is.

He has basically said that he believes he has the right to have sex without your consent.
That you should have coercive sex with him, because he wants it.

This is rape.
This is a crime.
He believes that is his right.

You need to educate yourself in Coercion and Coercive Sex and control.

These are crimes.
Do not agree.

Speak to your local domestic abuse charity for advice.

You need support.
We are here for you.
Have you family and friends that can support you.

Not the same things. Are you trying yo say you'd be completely fine with cajoling/guilting someone into having sex with you bc you just think they should have to whether they like it or not?

It's a shitty analogy bc human relationships should not be viewed like work contracts. However, if i really don't want want to go to work that day, i have a day off. And if i hate the job bc i'm being bullied or neglected, i leave. I'm not a slave and i have the right to make choices that are in my best interests.

You both sound utterly miserable and resentful of each other. He sounds lonely and missing the intimacy of a relationship. You sound like you’re drowning under everyday life and haven’t the bandwidth to add on this extra pressure.

You need to sit down and work out how you got in to this mess. Do you actually still love each other? Do you honestly want to make the relationship work? Can you remember what it was like to enjoy each other’s company? If the answer is yes, perhaps you need to start from scratch. If not, you need to consider letting each other go before you both become mean and bitter.

Guh, reminds me of the stuff I've unfortunately witnessed on the dead bedrooms subreddit where men call sex their love language and accuse their wives of needing choreplay.

An echo chamber of useless men who think they're entitled to a woman's vagina because they happen to have a penis.

Wouldn't be surprised if he's circling those drains.

This is such terrible advice, in response to how the OP described the situation.

I was married to one of these.

Get out

This sounds dead and if he is being that manipulative I'd wonder where its coming from.

There is a seed of truth in "use it or lose it" for sex - but that is usually in the context where you are both tired and feel more like you can't be bothered, not where one partner is so far adrift from the other.

It is also not an accident that a common first stage in sex therapy is "no sex" for a period of weeks or longer to enable basic intimacy to re-establish in order to rebuild the relationship.

Who is going to feel like sex from a demanding man child whose only interest is his own satisfaction whilst not pulling his weight at home?

Partners and fathers are not "helping" with the house when they do basic housework and childcare - they live there, its their responsibility just as much as the woman in the relationship.

I’m not sure I would want to stay married to him. We had to work on our marriage and sex was a part of that, but we worked towards it with more effort in other areas first. It’s not wrong to want physical intimacy from your marriage but obviously that intimacy has to be desired by both parties. If you’ve suggested things you think would help from your side and he’s not bothered then I think it’s clear that as far as he’s concerned your actual happiness doesn’t matter, he doesn’t care as long as he gets to have sex.

Does this make you want to vomit? Because if it doesn’t, you’ve become really desensitised to his nasty, abusive, rapey arse.

This man is disgusting. You are nothing but an object to him.

This isn’t loving. This isn’t intimacy.

He has zero idea what love and intimacy is

It makes me want to vomit just reading this.

Im sorry you’ve had to put up with this pig

He doesn't sound "lonely" and missing intimacy - he wants a shag, he feels entitled to a shag and doesn't care if the OP wants sex, he just wants his own wants satisfied.

He isn't interested in what the OP wants or how she feels about the relationship so long as he gets what he wants.

He's disgusting, and by his own logic, why the fuck cant he be nice to you and engage in conversation even if he doesn't want to? Hes a pig.

Man wants sex with his wife (who never wants sex and has left the marital bed)

Mumsnet answer =

He is manipulative
He is controlling
He is abusive
He is a rapist
He is a criminal

Fucking hell, this place is batshit sometimes. This marriage is at crisis point because Op has withdrawn all sex, affection and intimacy. We don't know why, but she hasn't said anything about abuse, people are just making that up. The DH is being honest and telling Op he needs sex. Some men would just have an affair. Op can listen to his clear message, and make an effort to get things back on track. Or she can ignore him. Decamping to the spare room, and putting her fingers in her ears whilst saying La La La, are going to make sure that the marriage ends at some point.

I predict Op will have a new thread in 2027 .... "My DH left me for another woman"

You both need a proper sit down chat, laying out your wants and needs and where you think the other is lacking. I'm sure when Op walked down the aisle she didn't envisage choosing dishwasher tablets over her DH.

Maybe you just don't fancy him anymore? If so, just split up. I didn't want sex with my first H, after repeated cheating on his part. I left him. I most definitely did want sex with DH. And still do, after 18 years. <shock, horror>

This reads like AI slop even if not intended as such.

Of course you shouldn't have sex unless you want to. Having said that sex is a normal part of a happy relationship. You have been sleeping separately for months.

You don't like each other let alone fancy each other. I think sex is the least of your worries.

I'd really think about separating tbh.

There are some very different views here and some quiet extreme.
I think there is a question for yourself first, before considering desire for sex with husband. Do you have sexual drive yourself, if not having sex with him, do you still like to satisfy yourself?
If not, that is something to consider/chat with GP.

Man wants sex with his wife when SHE DOESNT WANT IT, but cant even make the effort to talk to her or put effort into their relationship.

Horrific isn't it, that when men get married they aren't even granted access to their wife's body on demand without the crazy bitch demanding he bother to talk to her or be nice. Its like she thinks shes a human or something and not just a hole for her husband to ejaculated into.

Tell him you’ll have sex with him on Sundays if he does all bedtimes and dinners for a week (or pick two other tasks that help you). He may not like it, but the more he does those tasks the more he will learn to
love to them and support you which will help to generate intimacy between you as a couple. Or, remind him that you are more than a hole for him to stick his penis in and leave him.

DH's view of your relationship appears to be purely transactional. A one-sided transaction: this marriage will only work if you provide me with sexual services. Your emotional needs are not on his radar.

Your DH knows that in order to feel closer and more loving towards him you need him to share the household load and to demonstrate understanding of and care for you.

Yet - even to get what he wants - he is not prepared to meet you halfway by doing chores, nor to first develop nonsexual intimacy. He wants coerced sex without intimacy, without changing HIS behaviour. Without date nights. Without, yes let's say it, picking up the dishwasher tablets. Sex is his right, your conjugal duty - there is still a strong vein of this in marriages.

Love languages are ostensibly the ways people express love for others. But DH coercing you to have sex with him through manipulative argument is not expressing his love language. It's simply getting you confused, questioning yourself, pressuring you.

DH's crude suggestion that you provide him with, at the minimum, a hand job feels more like an attempt at intimate subjugation than love.

Forcing yourself to have sexual relations with your DH against your will, and knowing that he's perfectly OK with your acting under duress, is a repellent idea. Not surprising that it should drive you further from him.

Couples counselling could possibly help. Might get him to see you are not a sexual services provider, that he needs to pay attention to your needs. Otherwise, there are the usual options.

Show him this. There are plenty of studies that show the same.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11972672/Men-who-help-with-housework-have-more-and-better-sex.html

How do you know that for certain? There are two years of bitterness and resentment from both parties. Little digs here and there that build up and someone snaps something unkind. People say hurtful, manipulative and nasty things when they are angry. Doesn’t make it right or ok but it’s a vicious downward spiral.

Im not saying it is ok for him to pressure the OP in to sex- it isn’t. What I am saying is that the OP needs to decide if this is two years of misery that can be unravelled? If not the bitterness is just going to get worse.

In what way is this terrible advice?

He kind of has a point.

On your death bed, what regret is more likely for you?

I regret sweating the small stuff in life and losing my marriage over it or
I regret giving my marriage every chance of happiness.

Exactly this.

I'm sure he could ask the same sort of questions about working on his marriage. Did I give my life all the love and care that she needed? Did I do my best to look after my family and create a nice home for them?