To not have sex unless I actually want to

[OverOverOverAgain]

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

She can’t fix it but the husband can. He can start by giving her romance and especially more practical help - because sex or not he should be doing his fair share.

Possibly they can save their marriage if he does that and stick to it, because OP may potentially feel like having sex again.

Likely she did fancy him once and does not anymore.

I guess the real question is do you still love him.. do you still want to make this work? I’m also in this place, not as bad as he does help around the house, but the lack of communication and connection creates distance which doesn’t help. We are currently going through marriage counselling and it’s improving our relationship. Making time for one another and doing things together that is enjoyable requires some effort to begin with however you both have to want to try. Slowly the desire in our case for intimacy has returned because deep down we want this to work. You only know if you want this… otherwise it will end up potentially going down the divorce route.

It’s actually worrying that some people think a woman needs to have sex with a man for him to do his fair share domestically and financially.

Even if they never have sex again and they decide to separate in 6 months, between now and then he should still not be leaving it all to OP.

It’s utterly unacceptable the idea that he can leave it all to her until his sexual needs are met.

So hang on, he does nothing in the house and doesnt contribute financially?

What does he actually do?! Because I can't see any point in him!

"You expect me to do everything in the house, pay all the bills and run myself into the ground while you do nothing but go to the gym and sulk because you are not getting your leg over. If your sister/daughter had a husband who treated her like that what would you tell her to do?"

“Regular date nights if you can arrange child care, he starts pulling his weight around the house then the sex and intimacy will come”

fixed it for you

Him cheating and leaving would solve a problem for the OP. Ironic though, if this is how men think: be a useless husband so the wife no longer wants to touch me with a bargepole then find someone else to shag behind her back (until one day they also get a dose of reality and find out how lazy and useless I am).

He's obviously not going to change. She said he has no interest in date nights and dismisses all the housework she does as 'small stuff.' That alone would make me leave him tbh. If it's such 'small stuff' why doesn't he do any of it then, the lazy git?

That idea isn't even based in reality. Of course he's not going to step up and start hoovering and buying dishwasher tablets because he's getting his leg over once a week.

@OverOverOverAgain ,

The problem is that you have come to an impasse where you both resent one another.

Would you suddenly start to find him attractive if he started to pull his weight? I doubt it. Once you have ‘the ick’, as it is called these days, it rarely disappears.

Is there anything worth saving here? Divorce is often the best solution for everyone and to go your own ways and hopefully become amicable co-parents.

If there is something worth saving, you need to have some counselling, and sooner rather than later. Otherwise one of you (and it won’t necessarily be him) will be tempted elsewhere. And that will just open a whole new can of worms.

Time to go. Call it a day, and raise your self esteem so that a situation like this never happens again with any man. Have a good rest of your life OP.🌺

The marriage sounds dead anyway - why on earth have you not started divorce proceedings? You cant stand him - its clear, which is fine, just leave him. Find happiness elsewhere.

Have you tried setting out specific steps? I.e for the next 4 weeks:

He will be responsible for the laundry, food shopping & meal planning.
You will move back into the bedroom.
You will both focus on non sexual intimacy (with no expectation of sex) like hugs, kisses, hand holding
At least one date every two weeks

And then just re-assessing in 4 weeks time?

He needs to understand that he needs to take concrete steps to resolving this as well. The conditions need to be right for these things to flourish, the grass in greenest where you water it.

If he isn’t willing to do anything at all to resolve it then there is little point continuing the marriage.

Counselling may help, even if it is just to negotiate an amicable separation.

He needs to understand that it starts with talking not with sex. He is not accepting any part in this at all.

You need to attend marriage counselling so you can both air your problems with a neutral party and then you can decide whether or not the marriage is over.

I think he will refuse to attend and that tells you that the marriage is over.

You mentioned you paying for everything on top of doing all the housework child care etc. does he not work or does he have one of those hobby jobs that don't pay anything but take up all of his time?

Have you thought about divorcing him? I think it would be hard to fancy someone exhausted and just tired of doing everything while they do nothing but expecting sex.

In my case I put up with it for too long he was not employed and I was doing everything and paying for everything. I should have left years before and it took him cheating on me for me to leave.

You really do not have to stay married to him

Your marriage is over. I’m so sorry for the way he is treating you. I’d ask for a divorce.

Sure you agreed with a previous poster, but I responded to your comment because you said* *it's not unreasonable to want sex in a relationship, so I wanted to point out that wanting it is fine, but that doesn't mean that poor behaviour when they want sex is ok or reasonable as well, and in this particular case his behaviour is really not ok.

Exactly this! It’s always just a lose lose situation for the woman.

Me too - although 4 years - I’m 64 now - I do care about my H , we do actually have a very good friendship and make good business partners but I just went totally off it - I offered him a way out and said ‘this is the score’ it makes me unhappy’ - I know he would like me to be more interested but I simply am not . I would honestly rather be single than pretend I am even though it would make me sad to lose the connection if we did .

Which is fine until an enthusiastic third party comes along. We see thread after thread on relationships board 'found texts on my dh phone how could he do this to me! <although we haven't had any intimacy for 10 years>'.

I'm not surprised the op and her dh don't have any kind of physical connection their marriage seems irredeemable but in a good relationship intimacy should be a part of it or else what's the point we may as well all live with friends.

Those who think their dps/dh/dw are happy with a sexless reltionship are being very naive. They have to accept it, what choice do they have but I doubt any are any way happy with it.

The truth is that if you never want sex and he is not sympathetic, your marriage is over. Maybe try counselling first?

@OverOverOverAgain you've had loads of responses on this thread with all sorts of advice... but I just wanted to add that when I (we) were in a very similar situation, young kids, sex life dying a bit, we also had a chat about it. Lots of chats, in fact. And the solution that my DH came up with was that we schedule in a regular time where we did stop and make some time to be intimate. But the intimacy that he suggested was to have a cup of tea and a chat in bed together. He wanted sex more than I did, at that time, but he would never have suggested any sexual act as a starting point. Just actual mental and physical intimacy.

In my mind, that's the way a decent man approaches a problem like this.

Those who think their dps/dh/dw are happy with a sexless reltionship are being very naive.

This works both ways, it's certainly not uncommon for women like the OP to be the one who ends up meeting someone who starts to give them butterflies again when they start to talk to them and treat them like a person and a woman.

It is definitely not always the one who wants sex in a sexless relationship who is the one who cheats or leaves.

Yep I’m well aware this may happen , would I blame him, nope

I read somewhere that women need to feel loved and happy in a relationship in order to want sex. But men feel like your DH described it - “let’s have sex first” and only afterwards they are able to build the closeness and intimacy the women need in a first place.

if you already explained to DH what you need before having sex and he is not willing to put any effort in, you absolutely should not forced yourself to have sex with him.

It’s not a straightforward journey - navigating relationship with DH while having young DC. Hope you find a way forward 🤞