To not have sex unless I actually want to

[OverOverOverAgain]

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

OP maybe the trouble is he thinks your libido has gone (in general) and that you're just inventing the housework issue to explain it away?

I know it feels impossible to tell him directly, but it might help if he understands it's not sex in general you've gone off, it's sex with him.

But it's because of how he's treating you.

I think sex is actually a bit of a red herring - the real problem (that he doesn't care to see) is that you're not feeling loved and supported by him.

This. On the one hand, you should not be expected to have sex with a man who you never want to sleep with again. On the other hand, it is not unreasonable for someone in a marriage to want sex with their spouse.

This man does not care about you. He does not respect you, he does not like you. You are simply his servant and childminder. I was going to add whore, but at least they get paid and get something out of it. He does not care about your pleasure. And now he is using the line sex is his love language. Sex is not a love language, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of self service are. Does he do any of them?

I take it he makes no attempt to pleasure you or make sure you orgasm during sex? So it is not his love language, it is lust, he wants sex and does not care if you enjoy it. He is disgusting. Is this the kind of relationship you would want your children to have with their other half?

This does not sound like a relationship in any form. You do not speak to each other, you do not sleep in the same bed, he makes no effort for date nights even though you have asked for them, he dismisses all the work you do as trivial as he has no interest in doing them so has no appreciation the effort it takes. Why are you still with him?

He's a pig. Why cant he force himself to be a more desireable partner and pull his weight?
I have to ask OP, why are you with him?

Not unreasonable to want it maybe, because that's simply a feeling...it's definitely unreasonable in a relationship where you're not getting on and barely even speak to your partner to tell them you want them to force themselves to have sex with you.

So you pay for everything too.

Anyway, it sounds as though you’ve made your decision. Time to tell him.

I think a lot of men think sex first and intimacy follows, where women want to feel intimacy and then sex follows. In a functioning relationship, I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex sometimes when your preference might be to do something else.

However - this isn't a functioning relationship. He has dismissed your feelings, and demanded you meet his "needs" without any consideration for you. Very much like the behaviour in the 'I left my glass by the sink and she left me ' guys book. Whatever his personal belief, if it's important to you, it should be important to him. Without that, it's hard to see where this could go to improve things.

I wrote "He doesn't sound" not "he is saying".

IME as pp pointed out - men who whine about sex as a "need" rather than a want, who start staying that sex is their "love language" and talk about choreplay are generally spending too much time on mens rights sites and not enough thinking about eg what their partner might need or want to feel in the mood for sex.

The demands for sex knowing full well that the woman is not interested don't sound like a man likely to want to try eg sex therapy or relationship building - its symptomatic of a self centred want for sex, not repair of the relationship.

I used to do this but I could also feel my body reject the act. His hands would move to intimate places and I’d pull away involuntarily, I’d find myself really ticklish but not in a nice way. He’d say the same things to me like just give him a handjob or ‘suck him off’ to make him happy. When we ended I he said he knew I didn’t want it and he felt bad. I was repulsed by him that he could have sex with me when he knew I wasn’t 100% up for it. When I filed a non mol against him I ticked the box for sexual assault as that’s how it felt. He was surprised as didn’t see it as assault when you’re coercing someone into having sex by sulking, guilt tripping, nagging etc. with my new partner he never nags, sulks or makes me feel guilty if we don’t have it even if it was on the cards that night. Subsequently we have sex far more often as I want to and don’t feel I have too. He also shares the load so there’s no resentment. I’d say this marriage is over. This man is vile and seems he puts his needs above yours in all areas of your life.

Yes, sod that. There is no way I would put up with a coasting partner. My DH cooks almost every night, is great at DIY and gardening, and will sort out my minor car issues etc. I shop and clean. We share the laundry.

Yours is a lazy, entitled idiot. It’s a good job he isn’t married to me because he would know what explosive rage looks like by now if he was.

Im very curious as to why you seem to think keeping hold of a man like this, should be a womans top priority? What's he bringing to the table?

OP this man doesn’t like you. Sorry to be so blunt but there it is.

It’s not that a grown man doesn’t understand that his wife wants romance and affection and practical help. It is that he does not want to go on a date with you. He doesn’t want to cuddle with you in bed (unless it leads to sex) and he doesn’t want to lighten the domestic or financial load for you in any way.

He is happy at the minimal contribution he makes to the household, and the little effort he gives to your relationship because he doesn’t care about you.

The only thing he wants to change is that he gets more sex. So he is trying to get you to accept his lack of effort while expecting you to give him sex, because for him that’s part of the imbalanced relationship that he enjoys.
The dynamics in your relationship are off. He now feels entitled to get everything for nothing.

I dated a man like that briefly, after initial charm offensive wore off - he’d rather badger, manipulate and insult me into sex, than just be a bit affectionate and do nice things for me. I absolutely refused and just walked away.

IMO it’s also a misogynistic power thing. Some men want to be able to order women into having sex by mere virtue of being their husband/boyfriend/love interest. The idea of doing nice things for the woman they expect sex from is a turn off.

Really, he isn’t thick. He knows all this energy he spends trying to wear you down could be put into helping you and treating you better.

He chooses not to because he doesn’t like you or see you as worthy.

Why are you still with him? What's the point?

"U53rName · Today 12:20
Crushed23 · Yesterday 23:15
If you never want to have sex with him, you should knock the relationship on the head?
I didn’t fancy ex-DP one bit by the end and couldn’t bear to have sex with him. I forced myself to to keep the peace and it was a disaster. It made me so so angry and resentful.
Cut your losses and set both you and him free from this dumpster fire of a marriage.
This. On the one hand, you should not be expected to have sex with a man who you never want to sleep with again. On the other hand, it is not unreasonable for someone in a marriage to want sex with their spouse."

I agree with @U53rName and @Crushed23.

@OverOverOverAgain - what is stopping you from ending the marriage? It doesn't sound like you get anything from it or that you need him financially. You have told him you need emotional closeness and practical support in order to feel like having sex with him and he has refused to provide those things. Obviously, it's a big decision but it sounds like the obvious outcome in these circumstances.

Plus he gets to be at the gym every day because you're doing all the domestic work and childcare at home.

So you tell him why you are tired and how it makes you feel and why it turns you off sex with him and he just tells you that you are ridiculous?

If he can find time for the gym every day he can find time to pull his weight at home. Has he always been this self centred or is it a recent thing?

You can get marriage/relationship counselling as a single - you don't have to both go or both participate but it may help you work out what you want to do. But brutally at the moment you are working your arse off to pander to someone too self absorbed to consider your well being. Do you want to spend the next 20 years with this person or be free to have some time out and maybe in the future a relationship with someone who values you as something more than a house keeper, wage earner and sex provider?

Oh, I see. So the stuff he could do for OP doesn't matter, it's small stuff, but sex for him is big stuff and really matters. Got it.

Hope you're feeling ok OP.

I know from personal experience it's a terrible shock to the system to start realising that the person who you trusted with your life, doesn't even like you.

(don't know if that really is the case for you, only you and he know that)

It took me years AFTER the end of my marriage to be able to look back and clearly see he 100% couldn't have cared less about me.

Take it easy and get some real life support if you can.

edit: you mention you pay for everything. I did too. I think that made it even harder to realise I'd completely misunderstood his attitude. The 'sunk cost fallacy' adding to an already unthinkable realisation.

Looking after babies and young children leaves little room (if any) for sexual desire. This happens to many people and I know several friends and family members who just 'did the deed' during those years, to keep the marriage wheels in motion.
I didn't have this 'problem' as I was a single parent (so other problems).
I really hope you can communicate with each other OP, take care.

Forget the sex for a minute. Hes blamed all of the problems on you and not taken a shred of responsibility for himself. I think that speaks volumes.

Which is why they need to break up. OP never wants to have sex with him again. By being married to OP, this means he will never have sex again. It’s not like tennis—OP says she never wants to play tennis again, so he can find a new tennis partner. The relationship is over. I never said OP should have sex with him—I said it’s not going to work going forward.

I do think you need to say it OP, because just as he can’t force you to have sex if you don’t want to, you can’t force him to stay in a sexless marriage. You want the romance and the effort that leads to wanting to have sex again, and he wants the polar opposite - sex first and see if that reignites the romance. I don’t know how you start to fix that.

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Good. Lord. Almighty.

I would not want to have sex with somebody who viewed me as a fleshlight either. I do not understand being ok with having sex with somebody you know does not want it with you?

However I do think this is an issue to be talked through and resolved. At least if both of you want the relationship to survive.

I hope OP explains what’s making her stay put. Multiple posters have asked and there’s not really any explanation so far. It doesn’t make much sense as OP carries all the load anyways.

What is it that keeps you with him OP?