To not have sex unless I actually want to

[OverOverOverAgain]

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

“Her libido is her own responsibility, him taking an active role in the household is his.”

Do you not recognise that her libido is massively impacted by his behaviour though?

This is pretty unrecoverable really, op. He's happy to rape you, it wouldn't in any way impact his enjoyment.

He's telling you who he is. You should believe him.

Even if she forces herself to have sex with him, nothing will change. He will continue doing fuck all domestically. Believe me, I did it for YEARS, hoping he’d start picking up some of the domestic stuff, show me a bit of affection, ask me how my day was etc. but it didn’t happen. I felt like his wanksock.

Funny thing is, he’s now having zero sex and having to do everything domestically now we’re divorced. Good luck to any woman that has the misfortune of dating my ex.

@blackpooolrock

but what would be the compromise for her in this situation?

I agree in principle but in this instance he has not made any compromise, he’s not offering her loving physical touch with no expectation or concerned about her wellbeing at all.

There’s a big difference between being forced to have sex even though you’ve said no (which is obviously completely unacceptable) and agreeing to have sex sometimes because you love your husband and he wants to, even though you’re not feeling particularly randy yourself.

A number of people on here seem to think both those situations are equally dreadful, but I don’t.

@menopausallazy yes it's exhausting but she's doing it all by herself while he does the grand sum of fuck all and still laments that she won't wank him off?

What, exactly, is he bringing to the table?!

But you say you're feeling terrible before and after, which, like it or not, will be visible to your children,and affecting them.

For both your sakes, i would separate. Two people who are clearly miserable in a dead relationship. Throw in the towel and move on.

I don't know about other people, but i find it v difficult to have sex when I don't really want to. Sometimes I have tried with H and my body fights it. Feeling like "i really want this to end" and then stopping in middle. I find it upsetting. Seem other PP more able to lie back and think of england. But I find it physically difficult to do.

Exactly this

I agree. I had regular sex (or BJs if I really couldn't face it) with xh for years and it didn't make him love me again, or do more around the house, or even be kind to me.

At best, it might have delayed him leaving slightly. Even that I'm not sure of.

He doesn't love you anymore I'm afraid OP. He isn't listening to what you say, and isn't being good to you or treating you like a partner.

What a twat. Buy him a fleshlight for Xmas or better still file for divorce

That is the key distinction that some people enjoy it once it gets going (bit like going for a run) but if you are not enjoying it at all and just want it over with you shouldn’t be being compelled to take part. He has two hands of his own doesn’t he!

You need to get close again. Regular date nights if you can arrange child care, then the sex and intimacy will come. This is something mentioned regularly - men need sex for regenerating a close loving relationship whilst women need the close loving relationship to want sex. This sounds like a situation which would benefit from marriage or relationship counselling so you can have a middle person to reaffirm expectations on both sides, and how to compromise. He shouldn’t have said about you giving sex when you don’t want to, but might have just been clumsy with his phrasing? I remember similar when our DCs were young - it’s really difficult to give to everyone, and usually it’s the relationship with your dh that takes a hammering rather than the one you have with your DCs. It’s difficult, but in my case, the intimacy did return when the DCs were a little older and parenting isn’t quite as intense.

Giving you a handhold for having had those experiences. It's not okay and I'm sorry you went through it.

There is a grain of truth to it but MN won't tell you that.

I do understand he feels rejected or sad to not be desired. But it certainly isnt to do with physical appearance. He's at the gym everyday. And i dont really care about that stuff anyway but he is in great shape. He just cannot comprehend that the reason I dont want to sleep with him is because of the distance between us, the lack of communication, the lack of equal effort, and so on. He thinks im being ridiculous. We have talked many times about it and he refuses to accept or even to understand it. Last night was the first time he suggested the solution is i just force myself and then everything else will improve by itself.

His sad feelings do not justify his attempt to coerce you into accepting being raped.

Honestly, is disgusting for him to suggest this. He's a pig.

Will you discuss this again with him?

I would understand his POV if he was also willing to listen to what you need and start trying to help you out more. You may of had to talk yourself into sex more at the start, but if you felt respected and listen to, it would start happening more naturally.
but him just wanting access to you, without reflecting on himself is very disrespectful at best, abusive at worst. I don’t want to tell you to leave, but you may well be happier with that weight off of you.

His attitude is grim! If you’re paying for everything and doing everything, why don’t you separate? You’ve got the ick big time. It’s never going to resolve.

You’ll be happier without him and he will have lots of time to find a sex doll who has no expectations and can’t nag him.

I think your marriage is stone dead and beyond resurrection OP.

Get a divorce and see what the future brings.
I believe you will be much happier overall.

I suggest she either leaves the relationship or she makes it (as he seems to want to) transactional. To some point, all relationships are transactional - both parties need to get what they want from the other person, this doesn't mean it has to be cold and loveless, but beyond the initial romantic, exciting stage, this is what relationships become.

He has told her point blank what he needs, she needs to tell him point blank what she needs, and if her needs are met, his needs will be met.

She should ask for literally whatever she wants and if he responds negatively she should tell him that nothing will change, she'll continue to sleep in the spare room and he should make a decision on responding to what she wants, leaving things as they are, or ending the relationship.. . . .

If he makes small steps, then she can make small steps - the relationship could be built on a new foundation, and could become good again.

FFS, he doesnt even talk to her, that shouldnt be classed as making an effort, that's just basic human interaction, not a catch 22. How many people have you had sex with that refuse to even speak to you?

You sound like you can’t stand him, OP
Why not get divorced?
@OverOverOverAgain