Page 10 | To not have sex unless I actually want to

OverOverOverAgain · 2026-10-18T21:59:39+00:00

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days. He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it" He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on. Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

Beachtastic · 19/10/2026 11:03

I'm not surprised you don't want sex with your child oops I mean DH, OP. My first marriage was like this. You can only cope with their endless demands by feeling maternal towards them, yet they want you to be able to miraculously switch from that into sexy mode because they see that as yet another service you should be providing without complaint.

This doesn't get better. I'm afraid there is only one way to rescue yourself from this horrible relationship.

Imbusytodaysorry · 19/10/2026 11:04

@OverOverOverAgain he is never going to help 50/50 and you are always going to be resentful and rightly so . I think it’s sounds too late for you both .Are you able to split ?
If you were both doing your share and you were tired I’d say the argument to try schedule or make an effort to keep the closeness would be fair . However he sounds like you have to “put out” to fill his needs while he ignores yours .

Imseriouslyyouguys · 19/10/2026 11:07

ItsOnlyMee1 · 19/10/2026 10:42

"He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow"

It sounds like you are both withdrawing from the relationship for different reasons. His is lack of sex. What is missing in the relationship for you?

Not for one minute saying you should have sex if you don't want to. But this sounds like a catch 22 situation. His lack of intimate sexual contact is making him unhapy. Because he is then becoming a grump this makes you want sex even less.

This is not an uncommon situation and there is no middle ground. As has been said by somebody else - Men usually need physical contant and women need emotional contact. Neither of you are able to give what the other person wants.

This is a death spiral for any relationship.

Be mindful that you have asked this question a womens messageboard which is going to massively skew the responses. If you want to better understand things from his viewpoint consider also asking on a mens forum.

Edited

“What is missing in the relationship for you?”

It’s very clearly respect and support. He leaves everything to her.

nomas · 19/10/2026 11:07

menopausallazy · 19/10/2026 09:42

We’ve all been there. Working full time, having young children, yes it’s exhausting but it does end one day. Infact, I’m almost at the end of that chapter (3 years to go!). I’d rather have a loving marriage at the end of it and not have surrendered that in favour of housework and dish washer tablets.

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Are you not seeing that OP is doing all the work or are you ignoring it?

How can it be a loving marriage when it’s all at the expense of the wife?

startthedaywithkindnesd · 19/10/2026 11:07

There really isn’t any solution other than divorce.

No you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to.

He doesn’t want to improve his behaviour.

You can stay resentful of his lack of interest in playing his part in your life together. He can stay resentful of your lack of desire for him sexually due to this.

You shouldn’t have to meet his expectations without him showing respect and making changes. Which he isn’t going to do.

The only options are to spend the next 20 years resenting each other then divorce. Or divorce now. I know which one makes sense for both of you.

nomas · 19/10/2026 11:08

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 11:01

And I'd rather not come out the other side exhausted, broke and resentful because I've spent 15 years paying for everything, looking after everyone, and spending my precious evenings giving 5 min handjobs to keep him happy.

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Amen

LVPLVT · 19/10/2026 11:11

I have read hundreds of iterations of this on here over the years.

Do you want to be in your marriage anymore? If not, then keep on doing what you’re doing.

He wants to have sex with his wife, and presumably sleep in the same bed. You want more support. Neither of you can get what you want until you both make a change. You both need to stop warring about your individual needs and look at the big picture. You’re supposed to be a team.

Lovebombednotloved · 19/10/2026 11:17

Sex is a very difficult thing to ‘schedule’ when your real life is full of tedious duties and tasks. It’s not fun being used as a receptacle for semen and his pleasure, when in all other respects you feel anonymous and undervalued. How are you supposed to be ‘in the mood’ when you are overwhelmed, and let’s face it, you can live without having sex, but people find it very hard to live with another adult when the relationship lacks boundaries. He’s focusing on what matters to him. He doesn’t care about the tedious business of tidying up, caring for kids, paying bills, showing love and respect to the other adult in the household. If he doesn’t play his part, you are doing all the heavy lifting and he gets away with it. He’s happy with the status quo save in one respect, he wants his leg over. If he cared about the quality of your relationship, he’d be concerned about every aspect of your life together. Scheduling sex, the absence of sex etc etc is a symptom not a cause. He’s selfish and unreasonable. He’ll resent you less if he gets a regular bonk and you will resent him more and more, because it will symbolize yet more inequality. You want to bond with him and that involves SHARING the mundane exhausting tedious stuff and he just wants a shag.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 19/10/2026 11:19

LVPLVT · 19/10/2026 11:11

I have read hundreds of iterations of this on here over the years.

Do you want to be in your marriage anymore? If not, then keep on doing what you’re doing.

He wants to have sex with his wife, and presumably sleep in the same bed. You want more support. Neither of you can get what you want until you both make a change. You both need to stop warring about your individual needs and look at the big picture. You’re supposed to be a team.

So this is the OP's fault is it? Chin up and shag your husband, girl! Riiiiight.

I've also read many iterations of this over the years and unfailingly there are a few posts like yours that seem to miss the entire point of the OP which is that her husband isn't willing to make any effort whatsoever. THAT is the problem.

moderate · 19/10/2026 11:20

LVPLVT · 19/10/2026 11:11

I have read hundreds of iterations of this on here over the years.

Do you want to be in your marriage anymore? If not, then keep on doing what you’re doing.

He wants to have sex with his wife, and presumably sleep in the same bed. You want more support. Neither of you can get what you want until you both make a change. You both need to stop warring about your individual needs and look at the big picture. You’re supposed to be a team.

She tried this. He didn’t do his part. Now what?

BellesAndGraces · 19/10/2026 11:20

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 11:01

And I'd rather not come out the other side exhausted, broke and resentful because I've spent 15 years paying for everything, looking after everyone, and spending my precious evenings giving 5 min handjobs to keep him happy.

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Amen to this @OverOverOverAgain. You are not a service human. If your DH wants a loving, intimate marriage he will have to work for it too instead of adding handjobs to your to do list. Based on your updates, he comes across as rather entitled to everything he wants in life so it seems unlikely he will suddenly have a personality change and decide to put the work in to save your marriage.

Imseriouslyyouguys · 19/10/2026 11:24

LVPLVT · 19/10/2026 11:11

I have read hundreds of iterations of this on here over the years.

Do you want to be in your marriage anymore? If not, then keep on doing what you’re doing.

He wants to have sex with his wife, and presumably sleep in the same bed. You want more support. Neither of you can get what you want until you both make a change. You both need to stop warring about your individual needs and look at the big picture. You’re supposed to be a team.

“Neither of you can get what you want until you both make a change.”

No.

Yes he needs to make a change and start helping out around the house because that’s what a decent human being and responsible adult/parent does.

She doesn’t need to start having sex she doesn’t want but chances are that she’ll have more energy and inclination to do so once he starts being considerate of her.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 19/10/2026 11:25

Men don't get it.

For them, everything else is dependent on sex. But for women, sex is dependent on everything else.

Forcing yourself to have sex with him will put the last nail in the coffin of your marriage. Been there. You CAN force yourself. I've done it. But even more than lack of love, respect etc, physical disgust will show you the way out of your relationship.

Imseriouslyyouguys · 19/10/2026 11:28

jupiter2000 · 19/10/2026 09:33

I think we as women underestimate how important sex is to men. To them it is probably the most important thing in a relationship. It's probably at the bottom of the list for women. But a happy medium is needed, he needs to show you love before you can be physical with him. Can you do a date night and see if you can go and have fun, laugh together? Perhaps it will help you reconnect.

“I think we as women underestimate how important sex is to men”

and this man has underestimated how important it is not leaving all the household jobs and parenting to the woman.

Namechangewegovyjune26 · 19/10/2026 11:30

blondeseaside · 19/10/2026 08:54

Man wants sex with his wife (who never wants sex and has left the marital bed)

Mumsnet answer =

He is manipulative
He is controlling
He is abusive
He is a rapist
He is a criminal

Fucking hell, this place is batshit sometimes. This marriage is at crisis point because Op has withdrawn all sex, affection and intimacy. We don't know why, but she hasn't said anything about abuse, people are just making that up. The DH is being honest and telling Op he needs sex. Some men would just have an affair. Op can listen to his clear message, and make an effort to get things back on track. Or she can ignore him. Decamping to the spare room, and putting her fingers in her ears whilst saying La La La, are going to make sure that the marriage ends at some point.

I predict Op will have a new thread in 2027 .... "My DH left me for another woman"

You both need a proper sit down chat, laying out your wants and needs and where you think the other is lacking. I'm sure when Op walked down the aisle she didn't envisage choosing dishwasher tablets over her DH.

Maybe you just don't fancy him anymore? If so, just split up. I didn't want sex with my first H, after repeated cheating on his part. I left him. I most definitely did want sex with DH. And still do, after 18 years. <shock, horror>

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I think she has explained quite well why she doesn’t feel up to sharing a bed with him or having sex.

She has also explained this to him and he has refused to make any effort, yet expects her to just do it anyway regardless of if she wants to, which is disgusting.

He could very easily change his behaviour, by the way, but he’s lazy and doesn’t want to. So he’d rather let the marriage go to shit and complain about not getting handjobs.

Why are you blaming OP and not his laziness! Strange.

nomas · 19/10/2026 11:31

jupiter2000 · 19/10/2026 09:33

I think we as women underestimate how important sex is to men. To them it is probably the most important thing in a relationship. It's probably at the bottom of the list for women. But a happy medium is needed, he needs to show you love before you can be physical with him. Can you do a date night and see if you can go and have fun, laugh together? Perhaps it will help you reconnect.

It’s ironic how you know what is important to men but you haven’t even bothered to read OP’s posts to see what’s important to her.

She has suggested date nights, he doesn’t want to go.

moderate · 19/10/2026 11:32

Slightyamusedandsilly · 19/10/2026 11:25

Men don't get it.

For them, everything else is dependent on sex. But for women, sex is dependent on everything else.

Forcing yourself to have sex with him will put the last nail in the coffin of your marriage. Been there. You CAN force yourself. I've done it. But even more than lack of love, respect etc, physical disgust will show you the way out of your relationship.

Plenty of men get it. It’s not rocket science.

SandyCastles · 19/10/2026 11:33

LVPLVT · 19/10/2026 11:11

I have read hundreds of iterations of this on here over the years.

Do you want to be in your marriage anymore? If not, then keep on doing what you’re doing.

He wants to have sex with his wife, and presumably sleep in the same bed. You want more support. Neither of you can get what you want until you both make a change. You both need to stop warring about your individual needs and look at the big picture. You’re supposed to be a team.

I think you are right in theory, but in practical terms you need to factor in WHY it has got to this point, rather than just dismiss it as a communication issue that can be solved because it really isn't anymore.

Presumably they had a healthy sex life at one time, so he was having his 'needs' met, yet no matter how many times OP communicated that her needs weren't being met in the relationship, he ignored it because he was getting what he wanted and that's all that mattered to him. So why is okay for him to ignore her needs but not the other way around?

It's only now she is matching his energy that he is complaining and trying to coerce her into it instead (yuck), he could have solved the situation himself by being a decent husband in the first place, or actually wanting to meet his wife's needs in the relationship instead of only caring about himself.

NewGoldFox · 19/10/2026 11:33

Do you think if you started having sex with him you would enjoy it once it got going?

It sounds like you have much bigger problems in the marriage than the bedroom.
What is stopping you from leaving?

LVPLVT · 19/10/2026 11:34

Mangelwurzelfortea · 19/10/2026 11:19

So this is the OP's fault is it? Chin up and shag your husband, girl! Riiiiight.

I've also read many iterations of this over the years and unfailingly there are a few posts like yours that seem to miss the entire point of the OP which is that her husband isn't willing to make any effort whatsoever. THAT is the problem.

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No it isn’t her fault, it’s both of theirs, which is why I said they both need to make a change.

Her libido is her own responsibility, him taking an active role in the household is his.

Most people expect a fair division in the load, most people expect a healthy sex life. This relationship is failing due to both of those things.

As long as he doesn’t do his bit, and as long as she takes intimacy off the table, the relationship will continue to fail.

It’s just the reality. If neither of them actually do anything either she’ll leave through frustration or he’ll cheat and leave through frustration.

blackpooolrock · 19/10/2026 11:36

What I find shocking is him admitting his solution is me grinning and bearing it. Rather than say making an effort in any way whatsoever.

What if when you wanted sex and he didn't - would you expect him to grin and bear it?

I think your issues are as old as time. Relationships are all about compromise - without compromise on either side the relationship will fail.

NewGoldFox · 19/10/2026 11:38

blackpooolrock · 19/10/2026 11:36

What I find shocking is him admitting his solution is me grinning and bearing it. Rather than say making an effort in any way whatsoever.

What if when you wanted sex and he didn't - would you expect him to grin and bear it?

I think your issues are as old as time. Relationships are all about compromise - without compromise on either side the relationship will fail.

You are confusing compromise for coercion.

malefields · 19/10/2026 11:39

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 11:01

And I'd rather not come out the other side exhausted, broke and resentful because I've spent 15 years paying for everything, looking after everyone, and spending my precious evenings giving 5 min handjobs to keep him happy.

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But why not just leave? He’s obviously not bothered and you all but separated anyways.

moderate · 19/10/2026 11:40

LVPLVT · 19/10/2026 11:34

No it isn’t her fault, it’s both of theirs, which is why I said they both need to make a change.

Her libido is her own responsibility, him taking an active role in the household is his.

Most people expect a fair division in the load, most people expect a healthy sex life. This relationship is failing due to both of those things.

As long as he doesn’t do his bit, and as long as she takes intimacy off the table, the relationship will continue to fail.

It’s just the reality. If neither of them actually do anything either she’ll leave through frustration or he’ll cheat and leave through frustration.

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Why are you consistently ignoring that she tried to do her bit and he failed to do his bit?

blackpooolrock · 19/10/2026 11:43

NewGoldFox · 19/10/2026 11:38

You are confusing compromise for coercion.

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absolutely not. I said compromise is needed by both of them.