To think excluding SEN child

[bronteemily]

From birthday parties is often reasonable?
Allow me to explain further.

I work in reception year in a primary school and there have been 2 party invites given out this October. One of the SEN children has not received an invitation to either and their mum has been in to complain. We cannot dictate that any child must be invited to something outside of school anyway however without revealing this to the parent, I completely understand why this child hasn’t been invited.

From the children’s perspective, SEN child is very disruptive. Climbs on tables and shouts swear words in the middle of learning time. They kick and hit out at anyone in reach when being removed from the classroom. They scream as loud as possible throughout the day and actively seek out to upset others by ruining their pictures, things they’ve built or just intentionally hitting unprovoked.

Whilst we are working on managing these behaviours and figuring out what strategies will work, the other children are experiencing all of this whilst being only a few months into their first ever school year.

AIBU to think that on their special party day they shouldn’t have to include a child they’re scared of and that unsettles them daily at school? Inclusion is forced upon them at school but they deserve a birthday without having to compromise. They are only 4.

Might be worth pointing out that you can be a great parent but your child with autism can still be aggressive or disruptive. Sounds like the child is on the severe side of the spectrum and that isn't the fault of the parent.

Just to say I meant the parties were not the teachers issue. Obviously the bullying very much was!

My friends youngest is SEN whilst she was delighted to get an invite she’d rarely accepted because she didn’t think it was fair because of his issues and tbh he’s very regulated

Exactly. There are so many different profiles and factors to unpick, where a child is on the spectrum, the level of support required, whether behaviours are things that can or can't be helped, or perhaps an overlap, and whether a child is able to be around other kids without causing distress. It's never as black-and-white as people try to make it out to be. I think for that parent (if the parenting is good, it must be heartbreaking). I don't think she should have complained to school about it for a lot of reasons already mentioned, but she may have led with emotion.

This isn’t ablest, I do not want to think my child has to invite a child to their party who they don’t want there, that would tell my child that their feelings aren’t important.

Look at how SEN kids are being described and talked about on this thread.

Do you disagree with my point? You did not specify you thought was ableist

@Walkingthroughautumn Completely agree with this!
My DS has SEN and disabilities, he is in mainstream school and has attended most parties. There have been a few he hasn’t joined in with but he still enjoyed being there with his classmates and being part of it. Not all children with SEN are disruptive or have bad behaviours (I have seen lots NT children acting up at parties!)

i feel no guilt whatsoever at not inviting disruptive aggressive and physically abusive children to my children’s parties

my children have zero choice but to be educated alongside these children every day of their school lives. They shouldn’t have to be subjected to their behaviour outside of school as well

Completely agree. All reception kids go a bit nuts at parties, running around and climbing is usually standard for soft play. I've seen NT kids go home crying from being overwhelmed, too.
Unless a child is genuinely violent or hurting people, I don't see why they can't all play together. I say this as someone who has both a ND and a NT child.

@bronteemilybut a party is very different to sitting in a classroom with rules and boundaries and classmates compared to a party.

All children act differently in different situations and at parties activity levels and excitement is much higher, however that isn’t the point. The issue is as I see it is should a child have to invite a child they don’t want to their party , my view is that children have so little control but their party and who they invite is something they should have control over. If that means they choose not to invite a child who is unkind to them or who is deliver in class that in my view should be their choice, at school they have to play or be paired with that child etc but it is their party

I was the poster and I was referring specifically to NT kids because I was responding to another poster. I was not dehumanising children.

I couldn’t exclude 1/30 kids. Now I probably wouldn’t want to invite the child in the OP but I would probably then not do a whole class party and just go for 15-20 so it wasn’t as obvious.

I am so sorry @CatSquirrelDuck. I completely misread the context of your original post and wrongly thought you were referring to SEN children, rather than responding about NT kids.

I realised my mistake right after posting and edited an update at the bottom with a facepalm, but I wanted to reply properly. Entirely my mistake, and I apologise for taking it the wrong way, one of those days.

For me it depends how many other kids were invited. If it was most of the class. It's cruel and exclusion. Yes they have the right to not want that person at their party. But it's poor form for the parent to make them the only one left out

We've all done it. No worries :)

It's not cruel to keep the abuser away from the others.

These children should not be in a main stream school.

Easier said that done. Especially with the government pushing to have more SEND children in mainstream education.

Obviously for some SEND children it can work but some absolutely need alternate provision.

Please believe me that a lot of SEN parents know this and are desperate for their kids to be in more suitable environments. There is an absolutely chronic incredible shortage of special school places. Government policy is that kids should be in mainstream school unless they have the highest level of need.

Oh my god, hyperbole much? The kid has sen. It makes him act differently.

And even if it was just plain bullying, it would STILL be out of order to leave only one out.

But that’s not really the other parents responsibility though, is it? They want a party that is as stress free as possible and for their child to be able to enjoy it.

If my child was really set on a big hall birthday party then no I would not make them change it to a smaller party for the sake of someone bullying them. As an adult I don't deprive myself of the things I want for the sake of those who treat me badly and I wouldn't expect a child to.