To think excluding SEN child

[bronteemily]

From birthday parties is often reasonable?
Allow me to explain further.

I work in reception year in a primary school and there have been 2 party invites given out this October. One of the SEN children has not received an invitation to either and their mum has been in to complain. We cannot dictate that any child must be invited to something outside of school anyway however without revealing this to the parent, I completely understand why this child hasn’t been invited.

From the children’s perspective, SEN child is very disruptive. Climbs on tables and shouts swear words in the middle of learning time. They kick and hit out at anyone in reach when being removed from the classroom. They scream as loud as possible throughout the day and actively seek out to upset others by ruining their pictures, things they’ve built or just intentionally hitting unprovoked.

Whilst we are working on managing these behaviours and figuring out what strategies will work, the other children are experiencing all of this whilst being only a few months into their first ever school year.

AIBU to think that on their special party day they shouldn’t have to include a child they’re scared of and that unsettles them daily at school? Inclusion is forced upon them at school but they deserve a birthday without having to compromise. They are only 4.

I agree. It would also make me wonder how much is his SEN needs and how much is parenting. The Sen parents I know are very clued into their kids behaviour and some will even decline invites if they think it will be too tricky.

The mum complaining to school is bad behaviour in itself!

Absolutely!

"Those", "them"?
It's completely fine for a party host not to invite a child whose behaviour has been an issue, but the language used here is the problem. Referring to children, especially kids with additional needs as "those" and "them" is othering them like they aren't human beings who belong in our schools and communities. Dehumanising language like that helps nobody.

Oh sorry, I have realised you are meaning both ND and NT? 🤦‍♀️

I agree. My kids don’t like inviting kids who would hit them etc! Whether they are ND is of no concern. It’s behaviour. I know a few kids who are NT but don’t get many invites due to exactly that.

Yes, completely. It is progressively annoying me because when ever a child misbehaves, you hear people say, "Oh probably autistic etc." It hits a nerve with me because I have a high functioning AuADHD dc who is intelligent, polite, well behaved and so rule following due to rigid thinking, that we have to reinforce that it is okay to make a mistake, nobody is perfect, we all make them. Dc will come home say X did this at school today to another child, and comforts the child. I feel there is so much misconception and ignorant preconceived notions another ND children, it is very sad.

There are NT kids at school who are badly behaved due to parenting/lack of attention or other factors. I am sick of hearing such negativity about SEN children, so wanted to stand up for those that are stereotyped and stigmatised.

The party child is allowed to invite who he/she wants to. I don’t think it’s right to force a child to invite someone who is continually causing problems and who they don’t like. I do agree that the school should not be involved . The teacher should not be involved in this at all

It would be unpleasant to exclude a child "because they have SEN"
It's absolutely reasonable to exclude any child if their behaviour would ruin things for others.

110% agreed.

They did stay but they did very little if I am being honest. Just said...he cannot help it, he is autistic. I actually did more than they did. I tried to redirect him, got a smack in the face for my trouble but the poor boy was very overwhelmed.

"Those" and "them" are pronouns referring to nouns that have already been established in the context. They aren't "dehumanising language".

Let me guess, you work in HR or the public sector.

i agree.
though actually the birthday child will be 5 while the rest 4.

i would say the swearing seems likely parenting (unless much older sibling) what 4 yo are hearing and repeating swear words.

But it doesnt seem likely parenting school are managing the child well. Climbing on tables? Sounds like the kid needs a 1-2-1.
Honestly the not being invited is the least of the worries if the child is actually sen.
I dont really get the uk. Kids dont legally need to be in school until 5 at minimum. Why are we sending young kids who arent coping. ?

I actually clarified further down that I realised the poster might have meant both ND and NT kids which is fine, as I originally read it like SEN children were being lumped together as a collective group.
Call them pronouns all you like, but grouping kids together like that is othering and dehumanising, no matter how you dress up the grammar. In this specific case, I don't think the pp was doing that.

If the exclusion from parties is the DM’s main concern, not the hugely disruptive behaviour of her DS in class, her priorities are very wrong.

I cannot blame parent for not including any child who behaved like that. Presumably the parent is aware of their child behaviour, and that outside school parties are at parent discretion.

As someone who spent my primary school years in a class with a child who did thing to cause fear in the rest of us and who frequently disrupted class I would say we'll done to the parent for taking on board what their child has said and not dismissing their feelings.

My son is disabled but doesn't have any behavioural issues. Some parties are just not possible for him for several reasons and I fully understand when he isn't invited.

No, grouping people together is not dehumanising. The world must be quite a chaotic and incomprehensible place to you if you think it is.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff is she autistic? As my dc is similar but autistic. Mine reacts to bullying by others by hitting. For mine it’s because they cant react quickly nor use words (though language is above average).

I would point out ti those saying x kid behaved badly at scouts etc but is NT. Yes perhaps the kid is NT, there is a lot of bad behaviour at scouts, however it is possible the kid has asd or adhd. The leader thought mine was NT until they ran off.
i think the difference with ND kid is often - the ND kid doesnt respond normally to being told off. Most kids would be worried and stop after a warning. So ND are more likely to be excluded because the leader is like well i told the group off and children A-G stopped but child Z just kept going..! So they are thought defiant.

i dont think its helpful to say sen kids are like xyz. Clearly they arent all. But just because some asd kids follow rule rigidly doesnt mean there arent some who ignore all people in authority and eg run off or hit etc. in khr experience that can be due to queuing or boredom or sensory issues.

If you think it's fine to lump all SEN kids together as though they're all the same, then you do you. But don't pretend it isn't othering.

Those children have to accompandate his difficult behaviour everyday at school. Why do they have to do it on their birthdays as well? At reception age I bet he is hardly aware that everyone else is going except him (if that even is the case). His mother sounds very entitled and I fully expect her attitude and outlook has impacted her parenting style and exacerbated his SEN. Usual story, inclusivity gone too far.

If Jimmy has autism then yes he is disabled.

Haven't had an ablest thread for a day.

I am a parent of DC with SEND. I absolutely support the idea that people shouldn't have to invite kids their DC hates or is scared of to parties. As a parent it would be heartbreaking if my DC was literally the only one not invited though. I'd never complain to the school about it, that isn't on.

My DCs school won't hand out party invites in class unless the whole class is invited which I think is entirely appropriate.

My autistic son rarely got invited to party’s partly because he had no friends and partly because he was weird in the other kids eyes. He would make noises and shake his head. It was sad that the other children (and more significantly their parents) didn’t have capacity to be inclusive. But it’s also not surprising. Thankfully my son did not notice their exclusion of him (until it morphed into full on bullying) but I never considered it the teachers problem.

And how do you think it feels for the children with autism and the parents of those children in mainstream where they probably should be in a special school but they can't get a place? Probably a help of a lot worse than being the parent of one of their classmates.