To think excluding SEN child

[bronteemily]

From birthday parties is often reasonable?
Allow me to explain further.

I work in reception year in a primary school and there have been 2 party invites given out this October. One of the SEN children has not received an invitation to either and their mum has been in to complain. We cannot dictate that any child must be invited to something outside of school anyway however without revealing this to the parent, I completely understand why this child hasn’t been invited.

From the children’s perspective, SEN child is very disruptive. Climbs on tables and shouts swear words in the middle of learning time. They kick and hit out at anyone in reach when being removed from the classroom. They scream as loud as possible throughout the day and actively seek out to upset others by ruining their pictures, things they’ve built or just intentionally hitting unprovoked.

Whilst we are working on managing these behaviours and figuring out what strategies will work, the other children are experiencing all of this whilst being only a few months into their first ever school year.

AIBU to think that on their special party day they shouldn’t have to include a child they’re scared of and that unsettles them daily at school? Inclusion is forced upon them at school but they deserve a birthday without having to compromise. They are only 4.

Personally, I'm tired of children who are doing everything asked and expected of them, yet still coming second to disruptive, scary behaviour INSIDE classrooms, being expected to now also give up personal celebrations with their friends and behaving classmates OUTSIDE classrooms.

I don't think people truly understand what mainstream classes are now like in a lot of cases ...

I think it's so sad that you manage your daughters parties in a way that "comes at some cost to her experience" to teach her the values of inclusion. It's her bloody birthday party! The only purpose of a birthday party is to celebrate the child's birthday and for them to have as much fun as possible! To deliberately dampen that experience to teach her a lesson is horrible.

Inclusion is for things like workplaces and education, not private celebrations. There's no way in hell anyone would expect an adult to have a shitter party than they wanted because they invited people they don't want there out of obligation, it's awful that people expect children to.

Those young happy party years are short and they never get them back, they have the rest of their lives to tolerate other people's bullshit let children enjoy the parties they want with the people they want and make happy memories! Its so wrong that children are taught to put themselves after everyone else at their own celebrations, what does that tell them about their worth?

It wasn’t your fault at all. What happened to the parent of the SEN child? They should have stayed and intervened, and removed him if necessary. This doesn’t sound like an inclusion problem but a parenting problem.

I also think people don't understand that bad behaviour can equally be from NT kids. There are some in dc's school, they are NT with bad parenting. Equally there are exemplary behaved ND kids. Good and bad with both ND and NT, some can be helped and some cannot.

Listen if there is a situation where a third of the class is SEND leaving the teachers and kids traumatised, then fine - I’d agree with you. But then it would be a third of the class not invited, not one individual obviously excluded.

As it is, I don’t recognise what you’re describing and also where are the parents in what you’re describing. I have been to parties where a SEND child has been overwhelmed or found it too much and their parent has intervened and taken them home before they disrupt it. Why isn’t this happening?

I

“Those young happy party years”?!???!?

omg I think maybe why I’m at odds with others on this thread is that this is not something I could romanticise about at all

Even the most ordinary child (no SEN) ends up full of sugar and off the wall and probably in tears by the time they get home at big parties like we’re talking about

cannot personally wait til the big party years are over - hopefully I’m doing my last ever one next weekend (fingers crossed!)

Of course everyone completely understands the extremely simple concept that some kids are badly behaved, regardless of whether or not they have extra needs or challenges.

And children get to decide who not to invite to their birthday and if they don't want violent, badly behaved kids there, that's that.

Regardless of the reasons for the other child's behaviour.

However, the OP specifically said that a parent of a SEN child is trying to coerce other parents into an invitation for her child by hassling people who work at the school, so that's why specifically SEN kids are being discussed.

Well I was never bouncing off the walls or in tears by the end of my birthday parties. It's weird that you think it's normal for kids to be upset and crying at their own parties.

I have happy memories of the few of my birthday parties I remember around 5-8 years old. Playing with my friends, playing pass the parcel, some nice presents I still remember now, the fun party bags. Don't you realise they are supposed to make happy memories? That's the whole point. If I had been forced to invite the girl that bullied me and I'd left my own party in tears at 7 years old that would be a horrible memory and a waste of money. If my mum had forced me to invite her to teach me a lesson all I would have learned was that my happiness didn't matter as much as other peoples on my own birthday. I'll let you work out what effect that has on a child's self esteem by yourself. Luckily my mum wasn't like that other posters and told me I didn't have to invite her because she was a bully. We had a great time without her.

YANBU. One of the primary responsibilities of a parent is to raise their child so that by about the age of 5 they're someone other kids want to play with. There are very rare cases where this is genuinely impossible. The rest of the time it's just bad parenting, like kids not being toilet trained and everything else.

The apple doesn't fall far. Yet apparently it's not the parenting. Ok.

That's very admirable. I'm a Scout leader and absolutely wouldn't feel qualified to handle the kind of behaviour the OP is describing.

@moggerhanger and that is just how I did it at my dc's big SEND party.

Funnily enough once my dc wasn't treated like the naughty kid with a very bad (single) parent his 'disruptive' behaviour improved dramatically.

So much so he finished his secondary education in mainstream and is now at University. I give that hope to every parent who are made to feel that they are the problem.

In this case they could have included the child but ask that his / her parent comes too .

The mother sounds like she might have some of what the child has got.

To turn up and ask you about it is a little derranged.

From what you have described, if that child is being that disruptive it should not be around other children full stop. Why ruin the life of the rest of the children to suit someone mentally disturbed. We have gone overboard with inclusivity.

Exactly, the rule at the local primary school is that whole class invitations are the only ones that are allowed to be given out on school premises.

Let’s look at this way; when I was at primary school over 50 years ago no kids behaved like this. We had manners and discipline and respect; three things that seem old fashioned now. Kids were kids. Parents did the parenting. Teachers taught. Nowadays it’s a free-for-all. No cunt can be told off. No one can shit out. Teachers aren’t allowed to teach or point out bad behaviour for fear of having to fight the parent. All kids have a right to be invited to another kid’s party despite not knowing how to behave. What a fucking mess it all is

Spot on

You sound lovely

I sound right. Look around you. It’s all gone to shit which things tend to do when no one is told no. I don’t know how you can’t grasp that.

I sound lovely because I’m talking about manners and respect and discipline? Get real.

I totally agree with you and OP YANBU

We had a party that was completely ruined. My own child has needs too I should point out. The child had been excluded from a previous party which I thought was so mean.

My heart sank when parent walked away despite my strong hints that they should stay. I had just assumed they understood their own child's difficulties - clearly not. We saw the child escalating and no parent to be found. He ended up seriously hurting one of the other guests. We had to call and call the parents to come back and get their child under control. It was a nightmare for us and completely ruined the party.

The worst part is not a word of an apology from the parents who left him unsupervised. They took him home as a consequence and at least we could all breathe a sigh of relief. I feel sad for the child but his parents have their heads in the clouds and all that drama could have been prevented by them simply staying and giving their child the support THEY NEED!

By all means be inclusive but not at the risk of the safety of your child and other guests. We definitely learnt the hard way.

The mum is absolutely mental to complain about this.

Oh yes, we have those, too. And I would defend any parent who refused to have them in the house based on their behaviour at school, especially the ones who are happily and actively being constantly disruptive in the classrooms because they don't want to be there. It's exhausting and frustrating for the rest of the class and their education is being severely impacted, very unfair.

One of my boys tried the scouts; he lasted 2 weeks because of the behaviour of other children. He said there was no point in going if half the time there was spent monitoring and catering to the poor behaviour of a couple of children who were very poorly behaved. NT children, btw.

Scouts are always recommended on MN as some sort of bootcamp for unruly boys. Puts me off, this is not what it was when I was young.